"What to Look For in an Eating Disorder Treatment Center" is an article in the New York Times. I wish it went a little beyond its content.
Lots of Passionate Words but Nobody's There: Understanding Irritation and Fury in Relationships
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You've been in a conversation that speeds into brief, passionate discourse and hurtles on to furious speech, familiar emotional agony, indignation and hurtful stalemate. Right? You've been in several or maybe many. Here's what may be happening. * info re picture below.
If you have or have had an eating disorder, the eating disorder's behavior and thinking distract you or block you from emotional knowledge you can't bear. Whatever that may be, it's below your awareness. It's unconscious.
But just because it's unconscious doesn't mean you don't know it.
The information is in you. You know it, but you are not aware of it. Sometimes something or someone will trigger that information, and out it all comes in a passion. But it's still out of your awareness.
You start speaking, reacting and acting like yourself or someone else from another time in your life...and you don't know it. You hurtle on without control. This is what "acting out" means. You are acting out your unconscious without conscious awareness.
If you do this almost routinely with another person, it's possible that you trigger something similar in them. They "act out" a section of their inner life that is a match for yours.
If that happens, neither you nor the other person is fully in the room.
Neither of you are aware of the meaning and ramifications of the exchange or capable of making any adjustments or accommodations to reality. You are both locked in your own histories and battling out a repetitive scenario that has no solution in this form.
It can happen between parent and child, between siblings, between husband and wife. It can happen between friends and acquaintances whose unresolved issues are a "match" for each other.
You can't make progress or come to a resolution when you are caught in this scenario. A powerful wave is carrying you on. You feel righteous. You feel, in a strange way, that you are in a familiar place where you know what you must say and do to prevail while, at the same time, knowing that the response you get from the other person is predictable and familiar, too.
An important part of your recovery work is to make your unconscious conscious.
Without that you will be vulnerable to this kind of interaction and repeat it when the triggers are present. You can make destructive decisions, be attracted to people who serve to give you an outlet for this acting out, drain your energy and contribute to your unhappiness.
To deal with these traps, you need to know they exist, recognize them, and help yourself heal your way out.
Many approaches exist to help you recognize and learn from your unconscious rather than act it out.
- How do these traps show up in your life?
- Do you know what triggers them?
- What methods do you use to learn from them?
- What methods do you use to catch yourself before such interactions go too far?
* I've seen this dance several times in Bali. The main character is Rangda, an uncontrollable evil. The dancers try to drive her away. It's a dance of great passion. What's key here is that it is a trance dance. The warriors and Rangda, and later the Barong, are all in a trance, as are you when you are caught in the acting out of your unconscious. The dance is repeated endlessly with no resolution. It's an incredibly gripping experience to see this, just as it is an incredibly gripping experience to be in it. The dancers need to be carried off at the end and revived by shamans.
Please share your thoughts in the comment section below.
Written by Joanna Poppink, MFT. Joanna is a psychotherapist in private practice specializing in eating disorder recovery, stress, PTSD, and adult development.
She is licensed in CA, AZ, OR and FL. Author of the Book: Healing Your Hungry Heart: Recovering from Your Eating Disorder
Appointments are virtual.
For a free telephone consultation, e-mail her at
Eating Disorders at Work: What Should You Do?
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Suppose you see or know or suspect that an employee has an eating disorder. What should you do? Here's a guest article by Joy Nollenberg, director of The Joy Project addressing this issue. She wants readers to know that legal issues abound in this realm and that her words are not legal advice. In other words, check out your legal position before embarking on a workplace confrontation.
There may be times when someone in the workplace appears to be very ill with an eating disorder. This can be a difficult situation with many potential pitfalls. It's important to keep these points in mind.
Night Eating and Weight Gain: Importance of Sleep
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"Sleep that knits the raveled sleeve of care." William Shakespeare
Body signals often are misinterpreted by a person with an eating disorder. You may have a tendency to avoid sleep when you are tired. When feelings of tiredness transform into food cravings rather than getting needed rest trouble is brewing.
Courage and Resistance through Psychotherapy
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Courage to think and know who you are often begins in depth psychotherapy
Courage Now: Psychotherapy as an Act of Courage and Resistance
By Joanna Poppink, MFT
Private Depth Psychotherapy for Women in Midlife and Beyond
Courage Now: Summary
Psychotherapy as an Act of Courage and Resistance explores how depth psychotherapy can serve as a powerful response to personal pain and collective injustice. Drawing on the author’s experience with renowned psychoanalyst Hedda Bolgar—who resisted Nazi oppression—the piece argues that therapy is not just self-care but moral action.
In a world where truth is censored and vulnerability punished, therapy helps individuals cultivate emotional resilience, inner authority, and the capacity to act from conscience. Featuring quotes from Carl Jung, Viktor Frankl, Audre Lorde, Toni Morrison, and others, the article positions psychotherapy as a space for liberation, truth-telling, and courageous self-examination.
Courage Now
Courage is needed more today than ever. In a time of polarization, disinformation, and institutional cruelty, psychotherapy may seem quiet or irrelevant. But in truth, it is one of the most subversive acts a person can undertake. Psychotherapy is a path to inner freedom, truth-telling, and moral clarity. It is an act of resistance—not only against the wounds of personal history, but against the numbing and coercive forces of modern life.
Disagreement is treated like crime. Books are banned. Diversity is punished. Poor families lose healthcare. Surveillance and silence rise. People are detained in ICE SUVs and deported in the night and broad daylight. In such a world, simply turning inward to face what is true—without censorship or shame—is not weakness. It’s courage. And it’s needed more than ever.
The Train at the Station
Years ago, I stood at the downtown Los Angeles train station beside a massive engine. My head barely reached the center of its wheel. I imagined a train just like this one, filled with Jewish families, faces pressed to the windows, silent and exhausted, being taken to the concentration camps. I saw them as if it were real, in that very station. It didn’t happen in Los Angeles, but in my heart it did. And now, in a way, it is happening here—only the trains have become white ICE SUVs, and the ghettos are immigrant detention centers.
I once asked my analyst, Dr. Hedda Bolgar, about this. She had been a Nazi resister in Austria. When Jews were stripped of their rights and confined to ghettos, she and her friends filled supplies into a dark limousine, curtained, elegant, and slow-moving. It projected authority through the streets of Vienna. No one questioned it. Hedda used used o that limo to deliver food and medicine to Jewish families.
I asked her, “If I had been there—at the station, watching that train—what could I have done? If I screamed, ‘No!’ I would’ve been thrown on the train too.”
Hedda looked at me and said, “It would have been wasted effort. You would have been killed too. To fight injustice, we must examine ourselves from within our own world. What are your skills, your gifts, your connections, your community? That’s where you begin. You do the most you can with the little you have, from where you are.”
I never forgot that. And I remember it now. So I continue as a psychotherapist and I write.
Therapy Requires Courage—Especially Now
“Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage, you can’t practice any other virtue consistently.”
—Maya Angelou
Therapy asks us to look within—to tell the truth, to remember what hurts, to imagine something better. This is not passive or self-indulgent. In a society that thrives on suppression, speed, and silence, therapy is active resistance. It’s a refusal to abandon the soul.
“Your silence will not protect you.”
—Audre Lorde
The Courage of the Client
Each person who enters therapy performs a quiet revolution:
- They initiate therapy despite stigma and opposition.
- They reveal secrets despite shame.
- They face grief, rage, and trauma despite fear.
- They challenge old patterns even when comfort tempts them back.
- They claim inner authority, even when their culture demands compliance.
“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”
—Viktor E. Frankl
The Courage of the Therapist
Therapists don’t offer easy answers. We offer presence. And presence requires courage:
- To hold space for pain without fixing it.
- To challenge avoidance while respecting defenses.
- To witness truth even when it threatens systems—family, political, cultural, institutional.
- To stay human, especially when pathology is easier than empathy.
“A writer’s life and a therapist’s life are similar: to go into the darkest part of the self and the culture and return with something useful.”
—Toni Morrison (paraphrased from interviews and lectures)
Therapists, like writers and artists, walk into darkness not to escape, but to bring back light.
Psychotherapy as a Sanctuary for Free Thought
“People will do anything, no matter how absurd, to avoid facing their own souls.”
—Carl Jung
Symptom management, diagnostic codes, and productivity metrics increasingly dominate modern mental health care. But depth psychotherapy supports the deeper work: What am I afraid to see? What part of me has been silenced? What is worth living for, even now?
“You think your pain and your heartbreak are unprecedented in the history of the world, but then you read.”
—James Baldwin
Reading helps. But being witnessed—truly seen by another—changes everything. Therapy becomes a sanctuary where free thought, personal truth, and moral responsibility can emerge.
Therapy as Moral Action
When a woman begins to speak honestly in therapy—about her trauma, her silence, her rage, her longing—she disrupts more than her personal history. She interrupts cultural patterns of erasure. She brings breath into spaces that were choked with fear.
Her healing becomes an act of moral resistance.
“Where love and rage meet, healing begins.”
—Marion Woodman
As Hedda Bolgar taught me: real change begins from within your own world. And that’s what therapy helps us uncover. What part of you has been exiled? What power have you left untapped? What vision for justice lies hidden inside your longing?
FAQ: Psychotherapy as Courage and Resistance
Q: How can psychotherapy be considered a form of resistance?
Psychotherapy allows individuals to confront truth, break free from cultural conditioning, and reclaim their inner authority. In a climate of repression and disinformation, that kind of honesty and emotional integrity is a quiet but radical act of resistance.
Q: Is therapy only about personal healing, or does it have broader social implications?
Both. Therapy helps individuals process trauma, grief, and identity, but it also builds the capacity for moral clarity and civic action. Personal healing often leads to more courageous choices in relationships, work, and community.
Q: Why does therapy require courage?
It takes courage to face painful memories, challenge internalized beliefs, and change lifelong patterns. For many, speaking the truth aloud—for the first time—is a profound act of bravery.
Q: How is this relevant in today’s political climate?
With rising polarization, censorship, and fear, psychotherapy offers a rare protected space for emotional freedom and dissent. The internal work done in therapy supports resistance to conformity and cruelty on a larger scale.
Q: What does the story of Hedda Bolgar add to this conversation?
Dr. Hedda Bolgar, a psychoanalyst and anti-Nazi resister, modeled how moral action can arise from grounded inner awareness. Her legacy connects depth psychology with direct humanitarian courage and reminds us to act from within our own sphere of influence.
Q: Who is this article for?
This piece speaks especially to women in midlife and beyond, therapists, activists, survivors, and anyone seeking meaning, healing, or courage in the face of injustice and inner struggle.
Q: What kind of psychotherapy does this article support?
Depth psychotherapy—an approach that honors unconscious processes, long-term healing, emotional truth, and the moral dimension of the psyche.
Resources for Further Exploration
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“Addiction to Perfection” by Marion Woodman
Invitation
If you feel overwhelmed, silenced, or frozen in the face of cultural cruelty or personal pain, psychotherapy may be your way through. It’s not quick. It’s not easy. But it is true, and it is yours.
I offer private, depth-oriented psychotherapy for women in midlife and beyond. Together, we can explore what it means to live with conscience, courage, and compassion—even now.
📍 📞 Free phone consultation available. e-mail me at
Life Disruption: How to be prepared
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Life disruption: Small protections matter
Life Disruption: How Inner Strength Prepares Us
By Joanna Poppink, MFT
Licensed Psychotherapist – Depth-Oriented Healing for Adults
Life disruption preparedness is more than stored extra water, canned goods and board games in the closet. We often think of planning as a practical activity—saving money, assembling emergency kits, and organizing documents. But there's another layer to preparation, one that psychotherapy addresses: emotional and psychological readiness.
Before a crisis strikes—whether it's personal, collective, or existential—your ability to face what's difficult to imagine can become a quiet strength. You don't just plan for what to do. You prepare for how to be.
What Is Life Disruption?
Disruption doesn't always dramatically announce itself. Sometimes, it begins with a slow unraveling. Other times, it arrives with a shock. These disruptions can be natural, economic, physical, emotional, or relational. And while no therapist or plan can cover every possibility, awareness of what may come allows for grounded, compassionate preparation.
1. Natural Disasters
Earthquake, wildfire, blizzard, flood.
You may want to prepare by storing water, medications, and pet food and creating an evacuation plan. But what about the moment you realize your home isn't safe anymore? The grief of losing place, routine, or cherished objects?
2. Economic Collapse
Job loss. Career change. Retirement derailment.
Even with financial planning, there is often emotional fallout: fear of irrelevance, shame about asking for help, and identity confusion when you're no longer who you were professionally.
3. Loss of Access to Education or Job Training
Programs are cut. Schools close. A promotion requires a credential you can no longer obtain.
This disruption is quieter, but the grief is real—especially if you saw learning as your future. You may feel blocked from growing, contributing, or moving forward.
4. Illness, Aging, and Death
Your diagnosis. A partner's dementia. The sudden loss of someone you love.
These bring both practical challenges and inner disorientation. You may grieve not only the person or function that has gone, but also the assumptions you held about time and safety.
5. Political or Social Upheaval
National Guard in the streets. Deportations. Local economies are collapsing.
Even if not personally targeted, the collective nervous system absorbs these shocks. You may find yourself sleepless, numb, hypervigilant, or profoundly disoriented.
What Kind of Life Disruption Preparation Are We Talking About?
Let's be clear: psychotherapy is not a substitute for logistical planning. A therapist doesn't provide legal advice, financial strategies, emergency blueprints, or technical fixes. And no one psychotherapist can guide someone through every type of life disruption.
What depth-oriented psychotherapy can do is help you prepare for the internal dimensions of these events:
- Facing your fear of the unknown
- Examining your attachment to roles, identities, and routines
- Processing anticipatory grief
- Surfacing unconscious resistance to change
- Exploring what it means to rebuild meaning after loss
This is emotional groundwork—psychological readiness. It doesn't prevent disruption. However, it strengthens your ability to navigate it without losing your way.
Life Disruption: The Difference Between Preparing and Recovering
It's also important to note that psychotherapy before a crisis is different from psychotherapy during or after one.
Before a crisis, therapy may help you:
- Explore avoidance or magical thinking ("It won't happen to me")
- Confront fears around aging, dependence, or loss
- Strengthen your sense of self outside your roles or achievements
- Clarify what matters to you—so your plans reflect your values
This is proactive work. The disruption hasn't arrived yet—but your psyche is preparing.
During or after a crisis, therapy shifts focus:
- Managing trauma responses and overwhelm
- Containing acute anxiety or grief
- Processing events too fast or too big to integrate
- Rebuilding agency and internal coherence
That's reactive, stabilizing work. Many psychotherapists do both—but not all. And that distinction matters when choosing support.
Why Do Some People Avoid Preparing for Life Disruption?
Even when the need seems obvious, people often resist planning. Why?
- Overwhelm: Daily survival consumes so much energy, leaving little to think ahead.
- Shame: Some people feel they don't deserve to prepare—especially if they've internalized trauma or scarcity.
- Denial: Imagining disaster feels worse than the false comfort of ignoring it.
- Cultural Pressure: In a culture that glorifies spontaneity and "good vibes only," preparation is often mislabeled as pessimism.
- Fear of Change: To prepare is to admit things might change. For many, that's unbearable.
Psychotherapy can gently bring these dynamics into awareness—not to push you into action, but to help you choose with your eyes open.
Being Mocked for Preparing for Life Disruption
Another barrier is social ridicule. You may be called paranoid, dramatic, or joyless for wanting to prepare.
If you've been mocked for storing supplies, budgeting carefully, updating your résumé, or keeping a go-bag, you're not alone. Many thoughtful people—especially women—are dismissed for "worrying too much."
Mockery often comes from others' fear, shame, or discomfort. Your foresight reminds them of what they've avoided. Ridicule becomes a way to push that discomfort back onto you.
Psychotherapy can help here, too. It can support you in:
- Understanding why their mockery stings
- Separating your truth from others' projections
- Affirming your motivations (love, care, caution—not fear)
- Setting boundaries or finding more supportive communities
In time, what seemed like "paranoia" may be recognized as wisdom.
Why Plan If the Life Disruption Might Never Happen?
Because the act of preparing isn't just about what might come. It's about who you become in the process.
You become someone:
- More attuned to reality
- Less driven by denial
- More grounded in what matters
- Better able to face, not flee, difficulty
- Clearer in your values and relationships
Even if the crisis never comes, these changes enrich your life.
And if it does come? You're not scrambling. You've already begun the inner work of meeting change with presence and purpose.
You Don't Have to Do It All Alone
This article is not meant to suggest that psychotherapy—or any single person—can solve all of life's disruptions. What it does propose is this:
Emotional and psychological preparation matter. Emotions and psychological preparation significantly influence how we experience disruption, recover, and rebuild.
Depth psychotherapy can be one part of that preparation. It helps you face what you'd rather avoid—before it takes you by surprise. And it supports your internal alignment so that even in loss, you are not lost.
Summary
- Life disruptions come in many forms: illness, job loss, disaster, social collapse, aging, and grief.
- Practical planning is crucial—but so is psychological readiness.
- Depth psychotherapy helps you build emotional resilience before disruption strikes.
- Therapy for crisis preparation differs from therapy during a crisis.
- Not all therapists are trained to provide support for every kind of disruption.
- Mockery for planning is common and often rooted in others' avoidance.
- Preparing for the unthinkable can strengthen you, even if the crisis never materializes.
When to Seek Help
If preparing brings up overwhelming emotion—or if you feel stuck in avoidance, shame, or fear—psychotherapy may be right for you. It won't make you invulnerable. But it can help you become more inwardly steady, clear-eyed, and self-compassionate.
You may not be able to control what's coming. But you can prepare your inner world to meet it with strength, depth, and dignity.
FAQ: Preparing for Life Disruption
Q: Can psychotherapy really help me prepare for something that hasn't happened yet?
A: Yes. Depth psychotherapy helps you face the possibility of loss, change, or disruption without denial or panic. It supports emotional processing, clarifies values, and allows for internal strengthening—so you are more grounded if and when disruption occurs.
Q: What's the difference between therapy to prepare for disruption and therapy after a crisis?
A: Preparing in advance focuses on uncovering fears, confronting avoidance, and developing resilience. Therapy after a crisis often centers on trauma recovery, grief support, and psychological stabilization. Both are valuable—but they involve different types of work.
Q: Are therapists trained to help with every kind of crisis?
A: No. While many psychotherapists are skilled in emotional support, they are not substitutes for professionals in legal, financial, medical, or emergency matters. Therapy complements—but does not replace—other forms of planning and expertise.
Q: What if people mock or dismiss me for trying to prepare?
A: That's common, especially for thoughtful people who go against the cultural grain. Ridicule often stems from others' denial, fear, or discomfort with the situation. Therapy can help you establish boundaries, affirm your values, and remain grounded in your intentions—even when you're misunderstood.
Q: What's the point of preparing if the crisis never happens?
A: The process of preparing fosters self-trust, emotional clarity, and deeper alignment with your priorities. It's not wasted effort—it's self-care. And if disruption does arrive, you'll meet it with more inner strength and less chaos.
Life Disruption Self-Examination Questions: How Prepared Are You—Emotionally and Practically?
Use these prompts for journaling, contemplation, or discussion in therapy. They can help you identify areas of resistance and readiness in your relationship to disruption.
Emotional Awareness
- What kinds of disruption do I fear the most? Why?
- Do I tend to avoid thinking about future loss, illness, or instability?
- What emotions arise when I imagine preparing for something hard?
- Have I ever been through a crisis that caught me off guard? What did I learn?
- What meaning do I attach to the idea of being prepared?
Relational & Social Influences
- Do people in my life support or dismiss my efforts to prepare?
- How do I feel when others mock or minimize my concerns?
- Can I discuss my fears or plans openly with anyone I trust?
- Do I feel isolated in my awareness of potential disruption?
Identity & Self-Concept
- How would my self-image change if I were no longer able to work, provide, or function in my usual way?
- Who am I outside of my current roles and routines?
- Do I believe I am worth protecting, caring for, and preparing for?
Practical Reflection
- Have I made any practical plans for emergencies (e.g., disaster, illness, job loss)?
- What kind of support (emotional, legal, or financial) would I need if a disruption were to occur?
- What resources—both internal and external—could I rely on in a crisis?
Resources
Books (with URLs)
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**Anticipatory Grief: The Journey of a Thousand Losses and Endless Grace**
by Susan G. Goldberg (2019)
Explores grief before a major loss
https://www.amazon.com/Anticipatory-Grief-Journey-Thousand-Endless/dp/194597642X -
The Body Keeps the Score
by Bessel van der Kolk, M.D.
Foundational text on trauma, embodied memory, and healing
https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748 -
Women Who Run with the Wolves
by Clarissa Pinkola Estés
Depth-psychology, story and soul-healing
https://www.amazon.com/Women-Who-Run-Wolves-Archetype/dp/0345409876
Online Articles & Reports
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**“Anticipatory Grief”** – Wikipedia (2025)
Clinical background and emotional dimensions
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anticipatory_grief -
“Anticipatory Grief and Mourning: Suggested Resources” – Grief Healing Blog
Therapeutic practices and coping strategies
https://griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/anticipatory-grief-and-mourning.html -
“How to Prepare for a Disaster, Emotionally and Mentally” – WIRED (2021)
Emphasizes internal preparation to complement external planning
https://www.wired.com/story/how-to-prepare-disaster-emotionally-mentally -
Psychological Preparedness for Natural Hazards – UN/UNDP PDF Report (2019)
Global perspective on mental readiness in disasters
https://www.preventionweb.net/files/66345_f357zulchpsychologicalpreparednessf.pdf-
Depth Psychotherapy: How to Get the Most Out of It
https://www.eatingdisorderrecovery.net/psychotherapy-and-recovery-work/depth-psychotherapy-how-to-get-the-most-out-of-it eatingdisorderrecovery.net+9eatingdisorderrecovery.net+9eatingdisorderrecovery.net+9 -
Emotional Holding in Depth Psychotherapy
https://www.eatingdisorderrecovery.net/psychotherapy-and-recovery-work/difference-between-comfort-and-holding-in-recovery-work en.wikipedia.org+2eatingdisorderrecovery.net+2eatingdisorderrecovery.net+2 -
Strength in Economic Crisis: How Depth Psychotherapy Supports You
https://www.eatingdisorderrecovery.net/psychotherapy-and-recovery-work/strength-in-economic-crisis-how-depth-psychotherapy-supports-you eatingdisorderrecovery.net+9eatingdisorderrecovery.net+9eatingdisorderrecovery.net+9 -
Dictators Fear Depth Psychotherapy: Why?
https://www.eatingdisorderrecovery.net/psychotherapy-and-recovery-work/why-dictators-fear-depth-psychotherapy eatingdisorderrecovery.net -
Power vs. Control: A Life-Changing Distinction for Healing and Survival
https://www.eatingdisorderrecovery.net/psychotherapy-and-recovery-work/power-vs-control-a-life-changing-distinction-for-healing-and-survival eatingdisorderrecovery.net+2eatingdisorderrecovery.net+2eatingdisorderrecovery.net+2 -
Reclaim Inner Freedom: How Authoritarian Systems and Trauma Limit You
https://www.eatingdisorderrecovery.net/psychotherapy-and-recovery-work/reclaim-inner-freedom-how-authoritarian-systems-and-trauma-limit-you eatingdisorderrecovery.net+2eatingdisorderrecovery.net+2eatingdisorderrecovery.net+2
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Podcasts
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Beyond Trauma, Episode 11: “Post-traumatic Growth”
Discusses healing, meaning-making, and growth after life disruption
https://beyondtraumapodcast.com/2021/01/episode-11-post-traumatic-growth
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And that old story that grownups forget:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl5rvGmwBfk
Contact Joanna
Joanna Poppink, MFT. Depth psychotherapist. Private sessions. All appointments are virtual. licensed in CA, OR, AZ, FL. For a free telelphone consultation write:
Emotional Holding in Depth Psychotherapy
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Emotional Holding and Inner Strength
Depth Psychotherapy: Understanding Emotional Holding
In the realm of depth psychotherapy, the emotional holding often leads us to necessary discomfort. This may sound counterintuitive—especially in a culture obsessed with quick relief and emotional "fixes." Nevertheless, if we hope to truly recover from eating disorders, trauma, or long-standing emotional pain, we need to understand a crucial distinction: the difference between comfort and holding.
Both have value. However, each serves different purposes—and only one supports lasting transformation.
Recovery Requires Feeling What We'd Rather Not Feel
Recovery isn't a straight line toward peace and wellness. On the contrary, it often involves confronting the very emotions we've long avoided. Naturally, this can be overwhelming. When pain surfaces, it's tempting to escape—perhaps through bingeing, restricting, compulsive exercise, or emotionally numbing behaviors.
Yet, depth psychotherapy asks us to do something radically different: to stay with the feeling without acting out. At this point, the concepts of comfort and holding become essential.
What Is Comfort in Depth Psychotherapy Work?
Comfort offers relief. It softens the intensity of your feelings, occasionally transforming them into something more manageable or distracting you entirely.
For example:
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A friend offers kind words and sympathy.
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You binge-watch a familiar show.
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You talk endlessly about your pain but never sit with it.
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You reach for romance, fantasy, or food.
These actions don't harm the way your eating disorder or other destructive patterns might. Therefore, comfort has a place. It can give you a break from emotional strain, temporarily buying time and space when you're overwhelmed.
Still, comfort is not healing. It's a pause button—not a path forward. Relying too heavily on comfort may breed dependency. We may confuse soothing attention with intimacy, or temporary relief with progress. As a result, comfort alone can keep us stuck and fearful that we cannot escape from time-consuming behaviors that accomplish less over time.
After comfort, you feel temporary relief—but soon return to the same painful emotional terrain.
What Is Emotional Holding in Depth Psychotherapy Work?
Holding is the emotional and psychological containment that allows you to feel without falling apart. It creates a safe space—internally and relationally—so that you can stay with difficult emotions long enough to understand and metabolize them.
Examples of holding include:
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A therapist who remains steady and calm while you rage or cry.
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A journaling practice where you stay with the truth of your feelings.
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A support group that listens without trying to fix or distract you.
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A friend who witnesses your pain with presence but without rescue.
Unlike comfort, holding doesn't soothe us out of pain. It doesn't distract, fix, or diminish our emotional intensity. Instead, it anchors us so we can ride the wave of feeling and survive it—perhaps even transform through it.
After holding and learning, we can bear our own feelings. We feel a little stronger, more grounded, and more capable. And we know we are not kidding ourselves. We have real evidence from our own experience. We bore our own experience.
How Depth Psychotherapy Provides Emotional Holding
In depth psychotherapy, the therapeutic relationship itself becomes a container—a living vessel—for holding. Our therapist doesn't rescue us or give us answers to our life questions. Rather, they help us bear what once felt unbearable, allowing us to reflect and slowly develop emotional tolerance and insight.
Over time, as we are consistently held rather than comforted, we discover:
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We can endure deep emotional pain without regressing into old patterns.
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Our emotional truth has meaning and can be worked through.
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We have resources within us we didn't know existed.
This is the alchemy of depth work. It's not about relief; it's about transformation.
Can We Use Both Comfort and Emotional Holding?
Yes, and in fact, we must.
There are moments when emotional intensity is too much. We may need a small degree of comfort—just enough to stay afloat. A warm bath, a movie, a kind word, a walk around the block, or even a distraction can help us avoid flooding.
Nonetheless, the goal is to return to the holding space as soon as we're able. That's where the real work happens. That's where the inner scaffolding of recovery is built.
With consistent effort, our tolerance for holding grows, and our reliance on comfort naturally decreases.
Journaling: A Bridge Between Comfort and Emotional Holding
Journaling offers a unique dual role. Initially, it may feel like a comfort—a safe outlet to release emotions. But over time, it becomes a form of holding.
As we return to the page, again and again, we begin to witness our inner experience with steadiness. We see patterns. We feel the waves but don't collapse under them. We learn to dialogue with ourselves on the page. We discover different or new perspectives. We move beyond raw emotion and numbness. Gradually, the page becomes a steady container that reflects our truth—and our growth.
How to Tell the Difference Between Comfort and Emotional Holding
| After Comfort | After Holding |
|---|---|
| Temporary relief | Increased strength |
| Feel dependent | Feel more capable |
| Emotional avoidance | Emotional processing |
| Need others to soothe | Trust yourself more |
To clarify your experience, ask yourself these questions:
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What soothes me, but leaves me unchanged?
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What helps me stay present with my emotions?
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What actions deepen my understanding of myself?
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What support encourages me to grow?
Summary of Emotional Holding Principles
Comfort gives us a break. On the other hand, holding provides us with the strength to face what's hard. In depth psychotherapy, we prioritize holding because it leads to insight, resilience, and genuine healing. At the same time, in moments of overwhelm, comfort can provide a temporary shelter. Used wisely, both serve your recovery.
Ultimately, as we become more familiar with our emotional landscape, we learn to choose what we need—and when—to do so more wisely. Most importantly, we learn to trust that we can face our truth without retreating. We can hold onto who we are and be sturdy and brave as we make thought-out choices.
FAQ
Q: Is it wrong to seek comfort during recovery?
No. Comfort is necessary at times, especially when emotional distress becomes overwhelming. It's only a problem when comfort becomes a substitute for doing the deeper work.
Q: How does a therapist provide holding?
A depth psychotherapist provides holding through emotional presence, steady attunement, and not interrupting your process with quick solutions. They help us stay with what is and explore it safely.
Q: Can friends provide holding?
Sometimes, but it isn't easy. Holding without trying to comfort or fix can strain a friendship. Therapists and therapy groups are more reliable sources for consistent holding.
Q: What if I mistake comfort for healing?
This is common. Over time, we notice the difference. Comfort leaves us unchanged. Holding leaves us stronger.
Q: How can journaling help?
Journaling can begin as comfort and become a holding space as we return regularly and stay with our feelings. It offers structure and containment for emotional expression and insight. Once we start dialoguing with what we write, we accelerate our understanding, strength, healing, and growth.
Resources
Why Dictators Fear Depth Psychotherapy – Insight into psychological autonomy and holding https://www.eatingdisorderrecovery.net/psychotherapy-and-recovery-work/why-dictators-fear-depth-psychotherapy
Addiction to Perfection by Marion Woodman –https://www.amazon.com/Addiction-Perfection-Studies-Jungian-Psychology/dp/0919123112
How Journaling Can Help You in Hard Times by Kira M. Newman - https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_journaling_can_help_you_in_hard_times
The Trauma Therapist by Guy Crawfod Macpherson - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-trauma-therapist/id899009517
Depth Psychotherapy: How to Get the Most Out of It
- Details
Reflection in depth psychotherapy
Depth Psychotherapy: How to Get the Most Out of It
The Mindset That Supports Depth Psychotherapy and Real Healing.
What it really takes to grow, change, and heal from the inside out.
Depth Psychotherapy: How to Get the Most Out of It
The Mindset That Supports Depth Psychotherapy and Real Healing
What it really takes to grow, change, and heal from the inside out
What Is Depth Psychotherapy?
Depth psychotherapy is more than talk therapy. It’s a path of healing that goes beneath surface behaviors and symptoms to address the unconscious roots of suffering. This kind of therapy is especially meaningful for those of us who feel stuck, lost, overwhelmed, or caught in patterns we can’t seem to change—no matter how much we’ve tried.
Whether we’re beginning therapy for eating disorder recovery, trauma, anxiety, grief, or navigating a major life transition, the mindset we bring to depth psychotherapy makes a difference. In fact, our approach can determine how deeply the work takes root.
The Mindset That Supports Depth Psychotherapy and Real Healing
1. Begin with the Self
In depth psychotherapy, the journey always begins with the self—not as a fixed identity, but as something alive, changing, and layered. Like water, we must give ourselves space to move, to soften, and to reveal our deeper truths.
Therapy doesn’t begin with answers. Instead, it begins with willingness—the courage to change and the humility to not yet know how. Over time, this orientation becomes foundational.
Ultimately, a conscious, honest relationship with ourselves becomes the root system from which all other meaningful relationships grow: with others, with our story, with the unconscious, and with what is sacred.
2. Cultivate Humility Over Performance
Healing isn’t about proving our strength or demonstrating insight. Rather, depth psychotherapy invites modesty. It asks us to show up without performance. Therefore, we don’t need to impress or get it “right.”
What matters is our devotion to the process—returning to it with openness, even when it feels slow, painful, or unclear.
Over time, therapy deepens when we stop evaluating our progress and begin trusting that the work itself is the progress. As a result, we start to measure healing not by milestones, but by presence.
3. Be in the World, But Not of It
As we continue in depth psychotherapy, we learn to live in the world without becoming absorbed by its distractions, speed, or rigid expectations. That doesn’t mean shutting down or becoming avoidant. On the contrary, it means staying inwardly spacious.
We begin listening for the symbols, dreams, emotional shifts, and unspoken longings that guide a different kind of knowing. Meanwhile, we learn to attune to what is both ordinary and extraordinary.
Eventually, we hold the capacity to wash the dishes while also tending to the soul. In doing so, we cultivate a psyche that is both grounded and alive.
4. Prepare the Ground Before Growth
Real progress often follows deep internal correction. Like a garden that must be cleared of weeds before it can bloom, the psyche must be cleared of outdated defenses, distorted beliefs, and unconscious loyalties before something new can take root.
At first, stillness often comes. Depth psychotherapy honors the value of pausing, reflecting, and letting the dust settle. Only then does a more authentic direction begin to emerge—not from willpower, but from truth.
As a result, the path may look still on the surface, even while profound reorganization is taking place within.
5. Tolerate What We Once Rejected
One of the most powerful—and complex—skills we develop in depth psychotherapy is learning to stay with what we once avoided. Not everything that arises in the healing process will feel good or make sense. For example, some truths may conflict with our self-image or expectations of others. Some emotions may seem too messy, too painful, or too inconvenient to let in.
And yet, healing requires this kind of inner strength. It means allowing what is unwanted to exist—without controlling it, pushing it away, or pretending it’s not there.
The grief that lingers. The anger that resurfaces. The longing we hoped had vanished. These are not failures. Instead, they are thresholds.
In fact, our capacity to tolerate emotional discomfort without collapsing, fleeing, or judging it is what makes deep healing possible.
Insight alone is not enough. More importantly, patience with the emotional truth of our lives—especially when it challenges our habits of control—is what liberates the psyche.
6. Let the Process Be Enough
In our results-driven world, depth psychotherapy can be quietly radical. It asks us to stop grasping for outcomes and instead attend to the process itself. Insight doesn’t always come with resolution. Sometimes, progress looks like sitting through confusion, naming an emotion, or noticing a shift in our body’s response.
Bit by bit, we begin to trust the moment-to-moment work. When we stop chasing transformation and simply show up for what is real, something in us begins to change in lasting, subtle ways.
Consequently, we start to recognize that healing is not an event—it’s a way of being.
7. Beware of Hurry and Bypass
There is a gentle warning here: we must not rush. We must not assume that awareness equals healing. Also, we must not bypass the uncomfortable places by turning every insight into a checklist.
Depth psychotherapy is not a fix—it’s a practice of staying conscious and balanced over time.
While our therapist may offer guidance, containment, and reflection, ultimately, it is our own inner presence that carries the work forward. In the end, we must learn to balance ourselves.
Moreover, this kind of balance can only be achieved through practice, not performance.
Ancient Wisdom Still Applies in Depth Psychotherapy
The temple at Delphi once bore two inscriptions that remain relevant to therapy today: “Know thyself” and “Nothing in excess.”
To know ourselves—not conceptually but through sustained inner experience—is the heart of depth psychotherapy.
To bring nothing in excess—neither urgency, avoidance, nor self-judgment—allows the work to unfold with honesty and depth.
In this way, these ancient teachings reflect the rhythm of real healing: engaged, balanced, and quietly transformative.
Healing Means Reclaiming the Whole Self
In depth psychotherapy, we do more than resolve problems. We recover lost parts of the self. We make space for what was once pushed away. We bring light to the shadow and voice to the silence.
We create the conditions for the psyche to become whole again. Therefore, integration becomes our goal—not perfection.
Of course, this work is not fast. It is not always easy. However, it is alive, soulful, and real. And it calls for a particular mindset: humility, receptivity, patience, and strength.
This is what makes depth psychotherapy work.
This is the path to true healing.
Summary for Depth Psychotherapy Principles
Beginning depth psychotherapy is not about getting quick answers—it’s about cultivating a mindset that allows for real transformation.
In depth-oriented therapy, we do more than manage symptoms; we enter a relationship with ourselves that is honest, steady, and soulful.
By approaching therapy with humility, patience, and curiosity, we prepare the inner ground for lasting change.
The work invites us to reclaim lost parts of the self, tolerate emotional truths, and resist the cultural pressure to hurry or perform.
This is not easy work. But it is real, and it leads us toward greater freedom, wholeness, and inner peace.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
Q: What’s the difference between depth psychotherapy and regular therapy?
A: Depth psychotherapy goes beyond symptom management. It explores unconscious material, early life experiences, defenses, and inner symbolism to foster lasting, soulful change.
Q: How can I prepare myself mentally before starting therapy?
A: Come with openness, not certainty. Therapy asks for humility and a willingness to experience—not just analyze—our inner life.
Q: I’ve been in therapy before but didn’t feel real progress. Will this be different?
A: Possibly. Depth therapy focuses on deeper emotional truths rather than strategies or behavioral tips. Progress can look subtle at first but often creates more lasting shifts over time.
Q: Can depth psychotherapy help if I don’t know what’s wrong—just that something feels off?
A: Yes. Often, we begin therapy with only a vague sense of disconnection or distress. That’s enough. The clarity tends to emerge through the work.
Q: How long does depth therapy take?
A: This is long-term work. There is no quick fix. But if we're ready to slow down, be honest, and stay with the process, it can be life-changing.
Q: Do I have to talk about my childhood?
A: Not always, but early experiences often shape how we relate to ourselves and others. We go there only as it becomes relevant and safe to do so.
Ready to Begin?
Therapy isn’t just about feeling better. It’s about being more fully alive.
If you’re ready to begin depth psychotherapy with a seasoned guide, I offer virtual sessions for adults in California, Oregon, Florida, and Arizona. I specialize in eating disorder recovery, trauma, and the inner life of high-functioning women navigating change, loss, or longing.
Visit www.eatingdisorderrecovery.net to learn more, or contact me for a free consultation.
Resources
📚 Books
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The Art of the Psychotherapist by James F. T. Bugental
https://www.amazon.com/Art-Psychotherapist-develop-psychotherapy-science/dp/0393309118 -
Lover, Exorcist, Critic: Understanding Depth Psychotherapy by Alan Michael Karbelnig
https://www.karnacbooks.com/product/lover-exorcist-critic-understanding-depth-psychotherapy/97101/ -
Classical Adlerian Depth Psychotherapy: Volume I by Henry T. Stein
https://adlerian.us/cadp-v1.htm -
Deep Play: Exploring the Use of Depth in Psychotherapy with Children edited by Dennis McCarthy
https://us.jkp.com/products/deep-play-exploring-the-use-of-depth-in-psychotherapy-with-children -
Psychodynamic Therapy: A Guide to Evidence‑Based Practice (2nd ed.) by Summers, Barber & Zilcha‑Mano
https://www.amazon.com/Psychodynamic-Therapy-Guide-Evidence-Based-Practice/dp/1462554083 -
The Doctor and the Soul: From Psychotherapy to Logotherapy by Viktor E. Frankl
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Doctor_and_the_Soul -
Existential Psychotherapy by Irvin D. Yalom
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Existential_Psychotherapy_(book) -
Gestalt Therapy by Frederick Perls, Ralph Hefferline & Paul Goodman
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gestalt_Therapy_(book) -
Reaching Through Resistance: Advanced Psychotherapy Techniques by Allan Abbass MD
https://www.amazon.com/Reaching-Through-Resistance-Psychotherapy-Techniques/dp/0988378868 -
Working at Relational Depth in Counselling and Psychotherapy (2nd ed.) by Dave Mearns & Mick Cooper
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/working-at-relational-depth-in-counselling-and-psychotherapy-dave-mearns/1128921092 -
Dreamwork in Holistic Psychotherapy of Depression by Greg Bogart
https://www.amazon.com/Dreamwork-Holistic-Psychotherapy-Depression-Underground/dp/0367102919
🌐 Websites & Articles
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Depth Psychotherapy – Kara Swedlow, PhD (overview of unconscious roots and therapeutic process)
https://karaswedlow.com/depth-psychotherapy-and-psychoanalysis/ -
Anderson Depth Therapy – Depth Therapy Reading List (annotated bibliography)
https://www.andersondepththerapy.com/depth-therapy-reading-list -
Why Depth Therapy is More Enduring Than a Quick Fix of CBT (Reddit discussion, citing efficacy)
https://www.reddit.com/r/psychology/comments/foqkf3 -
Dictators Fear Depth Psychotherapy: Why?
- Dictators Fear Depth Psychotherapy: Why?
- https://www.eatingdisorderrecovery.net/psychotherapy-and-recovery-work/why-dictators-fear-depth-psychotherapy?highlight=WyJkaWN0YXRvcnMiLCJkaWN0YXRvcnNoaXAiLCJkaWN0YXRvcnNoaXBzIiwid2h5LWRpY3RhdG9ycy1mZWFyLWRlcHRoLXBzeWNob3RoZXJhcHkiXQ==
- Protests and the National Guard: Finding Your Stability in Confrontation
- How Boundary Trauma Leads to Eating Disorders
- Fierceness and Tenderness in Eating Disorder Recovery
- Power vs. Control: A Life-Changing Distinction for Healing and Survival
- Strength in Economic Crisis: How Depth Psychotherapy Supports You
- Reclaim Inner Freedom: How Authoritarian Systems and Trauma Limit You
- Dictators Fear Depth Psychotherapy: Why?
- Hidden Loneliness of High Achievers: What it costs and the antidote
- Love in Psychotherapy is the Heart of Healing and Growth
- Gratitude and Independence: Women's key to prevail over misogyny
- Eating Disorders: Why does it take courage to heal?
- How Sleep Affects Your Weight
- How to Make Friends and Support Your Eating Disorder Recovery
- Secret to a Success Journal
- Friends Change as You Heal in Eating Disorder Recovery
