Does she know the hidden marriage bargain?   Did you?

 

Deconstructing Marriage to Rebuild Identity: uncovering the control once accepted

Many midlife women look back on decades of marriage and ask: Was I ever truly seen? On the surface, they may have lived within what society called a successful marriage. But beneath that surface often lived a quiet erosion of self. They learn, over years, that they were trapped in a role they never consciously agreed to.

Karen Horney, a pioneer in women's psychology research at a time when the male vision more severely dominated the field, anticipated what so many midlife women now recognize: marriage has too often been less about love and more about compliance. Culture glorified the devoted wife, but in doing so, it demanded that women sacrifice their independence, ambitions, and even their truth. Women accepted the overt promises of marriage while also believing, over time, that their identity equalled a life of sacrifice. 

Narcissistic Marriage: A Hidden Contract

Horney described how marriage can become a narcissistic arrangement. The husband, often unconsciously, expects his wife to mirror his worth and protect his image. Society reinforces this by rewarding women who comply with praise for loyalty, selflessness, and “being a good wife.”

For many women, the bargain felt invisible at first. They were told, and often accepted, a male-dominated definition of marriage and a woman's role, even a woman's identity: This is what marriage is. But over time, the costs to a woman's heart and soul could become. Familiar Conversations:

• “You’re overreacting again. You always take things so personally.”
• “If you loved me, you’d support my decisions without question.”
• “Don’t make me look bad in front of the kids.”
• "Make sure I know where you are and what you are doing."
• "Make sure I know who you are with."
• "That class or course or hobby is a waste of time. You need to be home taking care of me and the kids."

These words sting because they are not about partnership, but about control.

The Hidden Control Bargains

These bargains are rarely spoken aloud. Instead, they emerge in subtle ways:

• Silence your anger, and you will be loved.
• Set aside your ambitions, and you will be safe.
• Reflect his worth, and you will be worthy.
• Stay loyal, even when neglected, and you will be respected.

Each hidden bargain limits a woman’s voice, narrows her choices, and confines her life. These agreements trap her by disguising control as care and domination as devotion.

The Trap Becomes the Norm

Because these bargains are reinforced by culture, religion, and family tradition, many women do not recognize them as traps. They are praised for being “good wives,” “devoted partners,” or “lucky women.” What is happening is the slow erosion of their real selves. A woman may find that she no longer remembers what she once wanted, or even what she likes, outside the confines of her role.

 

When Women Begin to See Clearly

Awareness begins when a woman notices the cost of the bargains she has made. She may realize that she has been living as a mirror to someone else’s needs, or that her freedom has been traded away for appearances. This realization is unsettling—sometimes frightening—because it threatens the entire foundation of her marriage. Yet it is also the beginning of liberation.

How Men React to Women’s Awareness

Not all men respond the same way when women refuse to keep the bargains:

Some reflect. They may begin to examine their own assumptions and step into a new, more equal form of partnership.

Some retreat. They withdraw rather than face equality, leaving the woman to choose between silence and loneliness.

Some resist fiercely. They may mock, dismiss, or punish a woman who asserts her autonomy.

Women need to prepare for all three possibilities.

The Risks and Rewards of Breaking Free

 

Breaking free from hidden control bargains does not always mean leaving the marriage—it means refusing to live trapped inside it. The risks are real: conflict, anger, cultural pushback. But the rewards are profound:

• Regaining one’s voice and choices.
• Rediscovering a sense of authenticity.
• Rebuilding life on terms that feel honest and free.
• Opening the possibility of genuine, reciprocal love.

Divorce: The Breaking of the Agreement

For midlife women, divorce often comes when the old compliance no longer feels possible. Sometimes it’s sparked by health challenges, children leaving home, or the deep fatigue of self-betrayal. A woman might quietly stop smoothing over conflicts, or she may finally declare: I need a life of my own.

The husband experiences this as shocking betrayal: the contract has been broken. But for the woman, it feels like oxygen rushing into a suffocating room.

After Divorce: What Men Seek

Men who relied on narcissistic marriage often look for a new partner who will comply. Age and physical appearance can play a role—youth offers both status and the promise of pliability—but the true currency is compliance. Will she mirror him? Will she protect the image? Will she defer to his needs?

This explains why some men pursue much younger partners: not only for beauty, but for power.

Women’s Awakening: New Eyes in Dating

Midlife women who leave such marriages approach dating differently. With awareness sharpened by experience, they no longer mistake charm for love. They listen for accountability, reciprocity, and respect. They may ask quietly: Does he see me as a partner—or a prop?

And because they know their worth, they are less likely to settle.

Choosing Singleness: A Powerful Path

A growing number of midlife and older women take their awakening one step further: they choose not to remarry at all.

This is not a rejection of intimacy or connection, but a refusal of the old bargain. Such women may enjoy relationships with men—dating, companionship, even love—but they no longer want or need a lifetime contract built on sacrifice.

They find fulfillment in friendships, creative pursuits, spirituality, careers, grandchildren, travel, or quiet independence. For these women, singleness is not loneliness—it is liberation. It is the ability to say: I belong to myself, and anyone in my life is here by choice, not obligation.

Men’s Reactions to Women’s Refusal to Accept the Old Bargain

Not all men welcome this shift. Some develop. They recognize that the old contract was destructive for them as well. They discover new intimacy in partnerships rooted in equality.

But others resist, angry at what they see as rejection. They may accuse women of being “cold,” “selfish,” or “too independent.” These reactions reveal how deeply the narcissistic marriage contract has been normalized in culture.

Positive and Negative Outcomes

The outcomes vary. On the positive side, many women are building relationships—romantic or platonic—that are deeply authentic. They also thrive in communities of women, in creative expression, and in a sense of dignity they once thought impossible.

On the negative side, polarization grows. Some women feel alienated in dating scenes where old dynamics still dominate. Some men, unwilling to change, grow bitter.

But even these tensions mark progress. As Horney argued, real growth always disrupts before it heals.

Practical Takeaways for Midlife Women

1. Awareness is protection. Recognizing the narcissistic contract is the first step to refusing it.
2. Partnership is optional. Companionship, dating, and love can flourish without a binding contract.
3. Boundaries create freedom. If a relationship requires the erasure of your independence, it is not love.
4. Singleness is not failure. Choosing yourself is a profound act of strength.

Resources

• Karen Horney, Feminine Psychology (1967) – Internet Archive
• Karen Horney, The Problem of the Monogamous Ideal (1928) – PEP-Web
• Horney’s Theory of Neurotic Needs – Verywell Mind
• Womb Envy Explained – Britannica

Summary

Karen Horney’s psychology of women reveals how many marriages were sustained by narcissistic contracts of compliance rather than love. Divorce often follows when women break this contract, choosing freedom over erasure. Some men seek replacements, while women—with new awareness—reshape dating, or in many cases, decide to remain single. For these women, relationships are chosen, not required. Fulfillment comes not from lifelong contracts, but from authenticity, independence, and dignity.

FAQ

What is a narcissistic marriage?

A marriage where one partner expects the other to serve as a mirror for their worth and image, often at the cost of the other’s self.

Why do many midlife divorces happen?

Because women stop complying with the unspoken contract, choosing to honor more of their emerging and authentic self. They move toward development and independence.

Do women need marriage for fulfillment?

No. Many find deep meaning in singleness, building lives rich with community, creativity, and self-determination.

How do men react to women’s refusal to maintain compliance to the narcissistic model?

Some men gain more awareness and develop themselves. They grow into healthier and respectful partnerships; others resist with anger or blame. Some resort to emotional, financial or physical violence.

What is the positive outcome of this shift?

For the man: the opportunity to develop beyond his previous limitations and expectations.

For the woman: the ability to shape her life and relationships by choice, not cultural obligation.

 

 

A midlife breakthrough can reveal unexpected, magnificent vistas for your life

 

 Protecting Women's Midlife Breakthrough and Renew Your Life

Summary

A midlife breakthrough, even in its first glimmer, involves a choice. You can honor it so it grows, expands, and becomes part of your life—or you can turn away from it. Often, a breakthrough means you’ve been resisting certain truths about yourself, your perceptions, and the people and events around you—without even knowing you were resisting. Over time, you begin to move through that resistance. You break through. You start to recognize the limits of your old way of thinking alongside the beginnings of a new way of thinking, seeing, and perceiving. This unfolding can be exhilarating, but it can also be unsettling—stirring fear, grief, or uncertainty as well as relief, wonder, and hope. For midlife women, these moments can be turning points, and this article offers guidance for protecting personal breakthroughs through every stage until they become a strong and lasting part of your life.

 

What Is a Midlife Breakthrough?

 

A breakthrough is more than a sudden flash of insight. It can begin quietly—sometimes as a small thought, a shift in feeling, or a moment you almost dismiss. Often, without realizing it, you’ve been resisting certain truths about yourself, your perceptions, and the people and events around you. This resistance can be so deep and familiar that it feels invisible.

Then, over time, something changes. You begin to move through that unseen resistance. You start noticing the limits of your old way of thinking and catching glimpses of a new way of thinking, seeing, and perceiving. These glimpses can be exhilarating, but they can also feel unsettling—stirring fear, grief, or uncertainty alongside relief, wonder, and hope.

For midlife women, such moments can be part of self-discovery midlife and deep personal growth midlife women long for. They are also fragile. A midlife breakthrough needs care, protection, and the right conditions to survive. Without that care, the insight can fade under the pressures of daily life, relationship patterns, and cultural expectations.

Stage 1: Recognition

You notice something—a feeling of relief when you say no, a sense of energy after spending time with certain people, an unease in a situation you’ve always accepted. It might be so subtle you question whether it matters.

Hidden resistance: Up to this point, you may have been unconsciously avoiding or minimizing these feelings to keep life predictable.

Choice: You can dismiss it—or you can honor it by giving it space.

Strategies:

• Write it down before you talk yourself out of it.
• Share it only with trusted people who will respect its importance.

Why it matters: This is the first step in the breakthrough stages. Recognizing and honoring breakthrough moments early is essential to give them a chance to grow.

Stage 2: Adjustment

You begin to explore how this awareness fits—or doesn’t fit—into your life. The old way of thinking starts to feel confining, while the new perspective feels open but uncertain.

Hidden resistance to a midlife breakthrough: The pull of old habits can be strong, especially when they’ve kept you safe.

Choice: Continue exploring the new perspective or retreat to the familiar.

Strategies:

• Build daily support practices like journaling, grounding exercises, and reflection time.
• Expect some pushback from others; prepare calm, short responses so you’re not caught off guard.

Why it matters: The adjustment stage is where midlife women transformation begins to take shape. Protecting the insight here prevents it from fading back into resistance.

Stage 3: Integration

You start acting in ways that align with your breakthrough—setting boundaries, making different choices, or speaking more honestly.

Hidden resistance: Old patterns can resurface as self-doubt, telling you the change isn’t “real” or sustainable.

Choice: Reinforce the new behavior or slip back into the old pattern.

Strategies:

• Adjust your environment to support your new direction—change routines, reorganize spaces, and seek supportive relationships.
• Keep visible reminders of your insight where you’ll see them daily.

Why it matters: Integration is where midlife insight and change become visible to you and others. This stage solidifies personal growth midlife women can build on for the rest of their lives.

Stage 4: Stabilization

The new way of thinking or behaving starts to feel natural. You no longer have to focus on it constantly—it’s becoming part of you.

Hidden resistance: External pressures—health issues, caregiving, work stress—can still shake the foundation if you’re not prepared.

Choice: Maintain the practices that keep your breakthrough alive, or let them fade.

Strategies:

• Keep rituals or symbols that anchor the insight.
• Use the breakthrough in small, consistent ways each day to keep it strong.

Why it matters: In this part of the breakthrough stages, stability ensures that protecting personal breakthroughs becomes an ongoing practice, not a one-time effort.

Stage 5: Growth and Expansion

With the first breakthrough stable, you begin to notice other areas of life where you’ve been unconsciously resisting change. New insights start to appear.

Hidden resistance: Fear of “too much change” all at once can slow your momentum.

Choice: Apply what you’ve learned to these new areas or hold back until you feel ready.

Strategies:

• See each breakthrough as part of your life’s unfolding story.
• Use your experience with this one to guide the next.

Why it matters: Growth and expansion are where midlife women transformation truly accelerates. Your first midlife breakthrough becomes the foundation for ongoing self-discovery in midlife.

 

Why This Matters in Protecting and Honoring a Midlife Breakthrough

 

For midlife women, a breakthrough can open the door to living with more authenticity, freedom, and self-respect. But it is always a choice. You can nurture it so it becomes a steady force in your life—or you can turn away and let it fade.

By recognizing that breakthroughs often begin as small, easily overlooked moments, understanding the hidden resistance that can delay or block them, and making deliberate choices at each stage, you give your insight the best chance to grow into lasting change.

.

Q1: What is a midlife breakthrough?
A midlife breakthrough is a shift in understanding or perception that changes how you see yourself, your life, and your relationships. It often begins quietly, as part of self-discovery midlife, and unfolds over time.

Q2: Why are breakthroughs fragile for midlife women?
They disrupt familiar patterns and can be met with self-doubt, resistance from others, and life responsibilities that compete for attention. This is why protecting personal breakthroughs is essential.

Q3: Why focus on midlife women transformation?
Midlife women often face unique challenges—ageism, caregiving, career shifts, and cultural expectations—that make midlife insight and change harder to act on without strong support.

Q4: What are the breakthrough stages?
Recognition, Adjustment, Integration, Stabilization, and Growth & Expansion. Each stage requires strategies to keep honoring breakthrough moments and turning them into lasting personal growth midlife women value.

Q5: How can I protect my breakthrough?
Limit early exposure, build supportive habits, anticipate resistance, create nurturing environments, and revisit the insight daily. This is how you turn midlife women transformation from an idea into a lived reality.

 

Resources that support midlife breakthrough

 

Books

• Why We Can’t Sleep: Women’s New Midlife Crisis – Ada Calhoun
  https://groveatlantic.com/book/why-we-cant-sleep/
• Midlife: Humanity’s Secret Weapon – Andrew Jamieson
  https://www.nyrb.com/products/midlife-humanitys-secret-weapon
• Breakdown, Breakthrough – Kathy Caprino
  https://www.amazon.com/Breakdown-Breakthrough-Professional-Claiming-Passion/dp/1576755592
•  

Podcasts

• A Slight Change of Plans – Maya Shankar
  Wiser Than Me – Julia Louis-Dreyfus
  Mind Your Midlife
  
  

Articles & Media

• The Midlife Revolution Has Arrived – People
  
  

This Website

Midlife Women: When Rage Becomes a Healing Force

Midlife Women: When Disapproval Validates and Approval Undermines

Midlife Women Worksheet: Power After Narcissistic Manipulation

 

Joanna Poppink, MFT
Licensed Psychotherapist — California, Arizona, Florida, Oregon — online private practice for midlife women
Specializing in eating disorder recovery, narcissistic abuse recovery, transitions, and depth psychotherapy for women in midlife and beyond
To request a free telephone consultation, write This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.Bottom of Form

 

Midlife Women Worksheet for Healing After Narcissistic Abuse

Worksheet Introduction: Healing for Midlife Women After Narcissistic Abuse

This midlife women worksheet is for those recovering from narcissistic abuse. It explores how praise and criticism were used to manipulate your choices, undermine your worth, and prevent emotional autonomy. Each section offers reflection prompts and tools to help dismantle internalized control mechanisms and rebuild your connection to your own voice.

Use this in quiet reflection, therapy sessions, or supportive group discussions. You are not alone. You are awakening.

🌘 Stage 1: Praise, Obedience, and Emotional Manipulation

Understanding Praise as Control in Midlife Women’s Lives

1. What were you most often praised for?

• Were you praised for being self-sacrificing, silent, helpful, or invisible?

• How did that shape your self-image?

2. What desires or dreams did you abandon because they were discouraged or ridiculed?

• Educational? Creative? Personal?

3. Did you feel your worth depended on staying small or useful?

• What was the cost of that belief?

🖋 Reframe Prompt:
Write one sentence praising a disowned or minimized part of yourself.

“I honor my boldness, even when it made others uncomfortable.”

⚡ Stage 2: Midlife Women Confront Narcissistic Threats

Recognizing Empty Threats and Reclaiming Truth

4. What threats were used to stop you from growing?

• “No one will love you.”

• “You’ll lose the kids.”

• “You’ll be alone.”

• “You’ll never make it.”

5. Which of those threats were never followed through on?

• Write them out and evaluate their truth.

6. When did resentment toward the narcissist first appear?

• What sparked it?

• What did it teach you about your values?

🖋 Reframe Prompt:
Choose one false threat and rewrite it as an empowering truth.

“They said I’d be penniless. I’ve learned to manage my finances and invest in my future.”

🌞 Stage 3: Rebuilding Self-Worth for Midlife Women

When Disapproval Validates Growth and Confidence

7. What compliments now feel like manipulation?

• Identify moments when praise was used to silence or redirect you.

8. What types of criticism used to wound you that now signal your liberation?

• Boundaries, joy, confidence, ambition?

9. Where in your life are you still imagining the narcissist’s disapproval?

• Are you performing for an internalized audience?

🖋 Affirmation Prompt:
Choose or create one grounding belief to carry with you.

“My worth isn’t dependent on anyone’s approval—not then, not now.”

🔄 Integration: Reclaiming the Midlife Woman’s Voice

Complete these sentences:

• “I used to think disapproval meant ______. Now I believe it means ______.”

• “I thought I had to be ______ to be loved. Now I know I’m lovable when I ______.”

• “I once feared rejection. Now I fear living a life that isn’t my own.”

Self-Celebration List:
List 5 traits or choices that once brought disapproval but now bring you pride.

1. ---

2. ---

3. ---

4. ---

5. ---

🌱 Practice: Keep Returning to Your Truth

Return to this midlife women worksheet each month to track your healing and notice shifts in voice, strength, and self-permission. Share it in supportive spaces or bring it to depth psychotherapy as part of your recovery journey.

 

Resources:

Midlife women: When rage becomes a healing force

Midlife Women: When Disapproval Validates and Approval Undermines

Healing Your Hungry Heart: recovering from your eating disorder  Each chapter contains exercises for personal empowerment and healing.

 

Joanna Poppink,MFT, private online psychotherapist. Licensed in CA, OR, AZ, FL

Contact Joanna for free telephone consultation
📧 This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

 

 

Midlife women can walk away from manipulation   Photo by Mathias Reding on Unsplash

Midlife Women: When Disapproval Validates and Approval Undermines

By Joanna Poppink, MFT
Private Depth Psychotherapy for Midlife Women and Beyond
🌿 www.eatingdisorderrecovery.net

Introduction

Many midlife women who have survived narcissistic abuse find themselves confused by an unexpected dynamic: they feel validated by disapproval and undermined by approval. After years of navigating emotional control, they no longer seek praise from the narcissist—they brace against it. Approval often signals manipulation. Disapproval, though painful, can feel like confirmation that they’re growing beyond the narcissist’s reach.

These women enhance their homes, deepen their creativity, and expand their lives. And still, they imagine the narcissist—whether a former partner, adult child, parent, or friend—reacting. A frown. A stiff posture. A silent, judgmental stare. These signs of discomfort feel strangely satisfying.

Why? Because disapproval means they’ve done something the narcissist doesn’t control.

Over time, they begin to recognize the pattern: praise and criticism are not about truth—they are tools of manipulation. Praise rewards sacrifice and invisibility. Criticism punishes independence. Both tactics shrink a woman’s self-concept and tether her to roles that serve the narcissist’s ego.

This article explores how midlife women move through three psychological stages of awakening. It highlights how approval can undermine, how disapproval can validate, and how to rebuild a life that no longer performs for the narcissist’s gaze.

Stage 1: Believing the Narcissist’s Frame

“Their judgment must be right—so I’ll try harder to please.”

At this stage, the midlife woman accepts the narcissist’s worldview as her own. The narcissist—whether a partner, parent, adult child, sibling, or friend—offers selective praise for tasks that serve them: errands, emotional labor, invisibility. That praise feels like love, and criticism feels like truth.

She’s told:

• “You’re amazing at organizing.”
• “No one else could hold this family together.”
• “You’re strong because you never complain.”
• “You’re the perfect grandmother.”
• “You’re so generous with the children.”

Each statement is wrapped in a compliment but binds her to a narrow identity. She is celebrated only when she stays small. Her creative dreams, career goals, educational pursuits, or even interior design decisions are seen as threats to the narcissist’s control.

She learns:

• To equate usefulness with worth.
• To associate approval with self-erasure.
• To fear rocking the boat.

 

Eventually, she forgets she once wanted more.

Stage 2: Doubt and Resentment Emerge

“Something doesn’t feel right—but I’m afraid to say it out loud.”

The midlife woman begins to question the imbalance. Her wins are ignored, her thoughts dismissed, her joy met with resistance.

She hears:

• “The children miss you when you’re out doing your thing.”
• “We can’t have a family gathering without you cooking.”
• “You think your little classes are more important than us?”
• “We need you to babysit—don’t you want to help the family?”

And then come the threats:

• “If you leave, I’ll fight you for the children.” (Though the narcissist has never taken part in their care.)
• “You’ll have to live in your parents’ guest room.” (Even though she’s building independence.)
• “Everyone will blame you for breaking up the family.” (Though many already know the truth.)
• “You’re too old to start over.” (Even as she feels herself just beginning.)
• “No one will want you.” (Used to isolate and erode self-worth.)
• “You’ll be penniless.” (Despite her skills, education, or legal rights.)

These threats are usually empty. The narcissist has no intention of following through. Their power lies in how effectively they freeze a woman’s progress.

At this stage, fear and resentment signal the beginning of awakening. A woman may not speak her truth aloud yet—but she’s starting to know it.

Stage 3: Awareness of the Control Mechanism

“Both praise and criticism were tools to keep me small.”

The midlife woman now sees the pattern with clarity. The narcissist’s praise feels false. Their disapproval feels strangely validating. Why? Because it confirms that she is no longer controllable.

She realizes:

• Praise was doled out only when she complied.
• Criticism was used to punish autonomy.
• Threats were bluffs meant to keep her in place.

The very things that once brought criticism—her confidence, creativity, financial decisions, and spiritual growth—are now signs that she is alive and becoming whole.

She starts to act for herself:

• She no longer imagines the narcissist’s reaction before redecorating or taking a class.
• She doesn’t explain her decisions to win approval.
• She feels discomfort but doesn’t shrink from it.

Disapproval becomes evidence of progress. Praise loses its spell.

Summary

Narcissistic abuse distorts emotional meaning. For midlife women, the cycle often looks like this:

• Praise and criticism become tools of manipulation.
• Approval rewards self-erasure.
• Disapproval punishes autonomy.
• Threats paralyze growth with fear.

Healing begins when a woman sees through the performance. She learns to live without the narcissist as her imagined audience. She reclaims the authority to define her own value.

FAQ

Q: Why did the narcissist’s approval feel good for so long?
Because approval was tied to safety. Many midlife women are conditioned to seek approval to survive—even at the cost of themselves.

Q: Why did I believe their threats?
Because the narcissist’s confidence masked their falsehoods, and because fear of abandonment can override logic—especially in long-term dynamics.

Q: Why does their disapproval feel validating now?
Because your actions no longer orbit their needs. Their disapproval confirms that you are becoming yourself.

Q: How do I stop performing for the narcissist, real or imagined?
Notice the performance. Ask: What would I do if I didn’t need anyone to approve? Then start doing that, in small ways, every day.

Resources

• Judith HermanJudith Herman – Trauma and RecoveryTrauma and Recovery
• Bessel van der Kolk – The Body Keeps the Score
• Elinor Greenberg – Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations
• Ramani Durvasula – Don’t You Know Who I Am?
• Wendy Behary – Disarming the Narcissist

Related Articles on This Site

 Midlife Women Worksheet: Power After Narcissistic Manipulation

• Eating Disorders and Narcissistic Abuse: Why you attract narcissists
• Narcissistic Abuse from a Parent: how to heal
• Power vs. Control: A Life-Changing Distinction for Healing and Survival
• Outgrowing Relationships: a Powerful Act of Self-Love

Journal Prompts & Recovery Worksheet

Use the companion Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Worksheet to explore:

https://www.eatingdisorderrecovery.net/recovery-healing/worksheet-reclaiming-power-after-narcissistic-manipulation

• What types of praise or criticism shaped your self-image?
• Which threats from the narcissist still echo in your mind?
• What do you want that you’ve been afraid to pursue?
• Where do you still seek permission to exist?

Work with Joanna

If this article resonates with you and you’re ready to heal from narcissistic abuse, I invite you to explore the possibilities of depth psychotherapy for midlife women and beyond 📧 Email: This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

 

Joanna Poppink, MFT, licensed private psychotherapist, online, CA, OR, FL, AZ

📧 Email: This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. for free telephone consultation appointment

Path to healing

Summary

Eating disorder behavior as panic attack reveals how the body tries to regulate overwhelming emotion. Understanding this connection between body and psyche opens a path to genuine recovery through depth psychotherapy and emotional awareness.

Eating Disorder Panic Attack: The Hidden Panic Beneath Control

For many people, eating disorder behavior can be a form of panic attack. What appears to be control — counting calories, restricting food, purging, or exercising beyond exhaustion — is often the body’s attempt to stop inner chaos. The surface appears disciplined, but underneath lives panic, anxiety, and emotional overwhelm. The person may not tremble or gasp for breath as in a typical panic attack; instead, the panic shows itself through urgent and repetitive behavior around food.

 

 

*pix   Diane Keaton RIP  Beloved and forever remembered   2025

(written in 2011) When I saw the headline, My five-year bulimia nightmare, by Diane Keaton, I felt pangs of sorrow and a tender connection with Diane. (Her book,Then Again, discusses her bulimia experience).

Midlife Women and the Cost of Compliance: Which path do you take?

How cultural roles shape identity—and how to claim a life of your own

At a Glance

• Compliance can appear as kindness or devotion—but often comes at a cost to women, erasing their autonomy and identity.
• Midlife brings a reckoning: the roles once rewarded no longer fit or sustain us.
• Suppressing needs and desires often leads to anxiety, depression, eating disorders, or compulsions.
• Depth psychotherapy offers a path to rediscovering your authentic self and living life on your own terms.
• Also see Worksheet: Midlife Women's Compliance, Reflections on Cost and Current Choices.

I. The Shape of a Life Not Chosen

For many women, compliance begins as a means of survival. It looks like kindness, generosity, and cooperation. But, beneath the surface, it can mean living according to pressures and expectations that originated outside of her true self.

These pressures aren’t always overt. Sometimes they arrive wrapped in love, guidance, or reward. Other times, they’re enforced through punishment or exclusion. Over time, they become internalized.

A woman learns to police herself. She believes her desires are excessive, her needs inconvenient, her longings shameful. She stays quiet. She adapts. She tries to be what is wanted.

By the time she reaches midlife, the shape she has formed herself into may be all she knows. But it doesn’t fit. It never did.

II. Where Compliance Comes From

From childhood, women are trained to please, adapt, and serve. Culture, religion, family, school, and peer relationships all participate in shaping this early conditioning.

• A girl is praised for being quiet and cooperative.
• She’s rewarded for meeting others’ needs before her own.
• She’s criticized or excluded when she asserts herself.
• Her education often prepares her to support others rather than lead.

Over time, she learns to take pride in being useful and supportive—even as her contributions are overlooked or absorbed into someone else’s success.

The tragedy isn’t just that others fail to recognize her value. It’s that she’s been conditioned not to claim it herself.

III. The Voice That Lives Inside Her

By adulthood, external control is no longer necessary. Compliance becomes self-policing. Now an adult, the woman hesitates to speak her mind. She shames herself for wanting more—more respect, more rest, more life.

Signs that compliance has become self-erasure include:

• Reluctance to ask for recognition or support.
• Avoiding conflict at any cost.
• Dismissing her ambitions or desires before naming them.
• Feeling guilty when setting boundaries.

And symptoms emerge: anxiety, depression, compulsions, fatigue, and eating disorders. These are often treated in isolation, but they’re rarely random afflictions.

“The self she has had to suppress to comply is demanding to be heard.”

(Read more: Women and the Stages of a Midlife Breakthrough)

IV. Outliving the Script

Women are raised into roles with clear cultural value: to be desirable, supportive, fertile, and emotionally available. These roles are rewarded—but they have an expiration date.

By midlife, a woman may find she no longer fits into any recognizable cultural category. She has outlived the script, but she hasn’t died.

“When a woman crosses a certain age, the culture doesn’t know what to do with her.”

For many, the response is to hold onto earlier roles with intense effort. We see it in:

• Cosmetic surgeries and Botox treatments.
• Rigorous exercise and restrictive diets.
• Striving to preserve a youthful appearance to maintain social acceptance.

But when a woman shows up fully—intelligent, sexual, assertive—she risks criticism or mockery. Her presence challenges the narrative that she is supposed to disappear.

(Related reading: Midlife Women: When Disapproval Validates and Approval Undermines)

V. History Repeats

This isn’t new. During World War II, when men left to fight, women stepped into roles in factories, shipyards, and offices. “Rosie the Riveter” became a national symbol of women’s strength and capability.

But when the war ended, women were fired, sent back home, and expected to resume domestic roles so men could return to the workforce. Their competence was acknowledged only temporarily.

We see this pattern repeated: a woman is allowed to step forward only under exceptional circumstances—and only for a limited time.

VI. The Consequences of a Life Deferred

Long-term compliance has consequences. A woman who has spent decades shrinking herself, denying her needs, and internalizing blame may not recognize the cost until something breaks.

Common consequences include:

• Depression and anxiety
• Compulsions and addictions
• Fatigue and chronic stress
• Eating disorders and body image distress
• Loss of identity and diminished self-worth

Too often, treatment focuses on the symptom rather than the cause. The compliance—the life lived under imposed roles—remains unexamined.

Worse, a woman’s desire for autonomy, freedom, and vitality may itself be pathologized. She may be told she’s unstable, selfish, or erratic for refusing to comply. But the disturbance isn’t in her—it’s in the system that demanded her silence.

(Read more: Midlife Women as Consciousness Pioneers)

VII. She Is Not Alone

Some women, at great cost, stop complying. Not to rebel, but because they can no longer lie to themselves.

They begin to listen inwardly. They ask hard questions:

• Who decided this life for me?
• What if I want something different?
• What does freedom look like for me?

At first, they may feel lost. There is no script for the woman who refuses to vanish. But she is not alone.

Across generations and cultures, more women are choosing to live on their own terms, meeting their true identities for the first time, and discovering how to stand, speak, and hold ground—even when the world pushes back.

Summary

Midlife often brings a quiet reckoning. The roles that once kept you safe no longer fit. Compliance may have protected you, but it has also constrained you.

You are not wrong for wanting more. You are not unstable for seeking freedom. You are discovering what has been limited and stepping into your authentic life.

And you are not alone.

 

From My Library

• Midlife Women: When Rage Becomes a Healing Force
• Midlife Women Worksheet: Power After Narcissistic Manipulation
• Women and the Stages of a Midlife Breakthrough
• Midlife Women as Consciousness Pioneers: Claiming Your Unlived Life

Feminist & Depth Psychology

• Karen Horney — Feminine Psychology
• Virginia Woolf — A Room of One’s Own
• George Sand — Memoirs and Letters

An Invitation to Depth Psychotherapy

“If these themes resonate with you, I invite you to explore depth psychotherapy with me. Together, we can uncover the patterns holding you back, heal what has been silenced, and help you claim a life that is fully your own.”

Even if compliance shaped your life, it doesn’t mean your life was empty. You may have had sincere joy, delight, and meaning within the roles you were given. But those joys were often time-limited and role-limited. Now, in midlife and beyond, you may want more—and different. You may not even know yet what that “more” is.

Depth psychotherapy with me offers a space to discover it. Together, we explore what compliance has cost, what joy has already lived in you, and what is waiting beyond roles handed down by others. You don’t need to make this journey alone.

Joanna Poppink, MFT

Licensed in CA, AZ, FL, and OR, online appointments only

For a free telephone consultation, write: This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

 

The Narcissist’s Playbook: What One Midlife Woman’s Awakening Reveals Herself and Our World

By Joanna Poppink, MFT
Private Depth Psychotherapy for Women in Midlife and Beyond

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Introduction: Midlife Woman Sees What Was Always There

Louise, a 63 year old now divorced professional woman with an active professional career, adult children and growing grandchildren, has spent a lifetime under the influence of narcissists.

She didn’t always know it. She remembered fragments—sharp criticisms, confusing praise, the constant undertow of self-doubt. But she couldn’t see the pattern clearly. Not yet.

Over time, with determination and support, she began to heal. She saw how the praise was a trap, the criticism a leash. She began to build her own life, one breath and boundary at a time. Yet even as she stepped into freedom, echoes of the past haunted her—unconscious beliefs, old fears, hidden loyalties to the very people who hurt her.

Then one day, Louise opened her phone.

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Recognition on a National Scale

Her screen filled with alerts:

• Medicare and Medicaid under attack

• Public education gutted

• Free speech threatened

• Programs for hungry children slashed

• Federal agents kidnapping people from public parks, homes, and shelters—disappearing them into detention centers

• Local businesses closing, unable to survive

• Asylum seekers and refugees brutalized

• Global hunger ignored

A terrible recognition passed through her body.

This isn’t just politics. It’s personal.
These are the same tactics the narcissist used on me.

Gaslighting. Threats. Withholding care. Attacking vulnerability. Enforcing silence. Destroying hope. Hollowing out meaning.

She saw the narcissist’s playbook now operating on a national scale.

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The Parallel: Personal Abuse and Public Betrayal

For those who’ve lived under narcissistic control, the tactics of authoritarianism are not abstract—they are familiar.

When you've been groomed to accept cruelty as love, and erasure as protection, it becomes easier to miss the signs in public life.

But once you see it, you can’t unsee it.

The rage rises. The body tightens. The grief comes. The betrayal feels total.

This midlife woman—like many midlife survivors—is not just reacting to headlines. She is reliving her trauma, this time reflected on the world stage.

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This Midlife Woman's Rage Is Sacred

Louise feels her rage in her gut. Her throat. The base of her skull. Behind her eyes.
She feels sick. She’s exhausted. But beneath the weariness is a rising, ancient, undeniable truth:

She is furious.

And that anger is not a problem. It is a power.

Rage, when witnessed and directed, becomes moral clarity. It tells us what we will no longer tolerate—what must never be allowed again.

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Therapeutic Steps Toward Healing and Action

How can Louise or any midlife woman carry this awareness—this grief, rage, and recognition—and not be crushed by it?

She must turn inward, ground herself, and choose how to live from this new level of truth.

1. Validate the Echo

• Say to yourself: “This is real. What I’m seeing—and what I’m feeling—is real.”

• You are not too sensitive. You are attuned.

2. Care for Your Body

• Drink water. Walk in nature. Breathe deeply. Nap.

• These are not escapes—they are strategic replenishment.

3. Channel the Anger

• Write. Paint. Scream. Organize. Vote. Speak.

• Let your rage fuel you toward protecting what you love.

4. Choose Your Focus

• You don’t need to fix everything. Focus on one realm where you can take meaningful action—education, hunger, civil rights, the environment, community healing.

5. Connect with Others Who See

• Find a group, a circle, a friend. Let your clarity grow stronger with others.

• Mutual witnessing transforms pain into power.

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Midlife Women's Reflection Questions

• Where do I see the tactics of personal abuse echoed in public life?

• What part of me is being reawakened by what I see around me?

• What kind of world do I want to protect—and how can I begin, even in a small way, today?

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You Are Not Alone

This moment of recognition is not a breakdown. It’s a breakthrough.

The woman in this story could be any one of us. She could be you.

You are not crazy. You are waking up.
You are not weak. You are responding with your full humanity.
And you are not alone.

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Resources for Support and Action

Psychological Healing

• Joanna Poppink, MFT – Depth Therapy for Midlife Women
  🌿 https://www.eatingdisorderrecovery.net

• The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk
  📘 https://www.besselvanderkolk.com/resources/the-body-keeps-the-score

Civic Awareness and Resistance

• Protect Democracy
  ⚖️ https://protectdemocracy.org

• States United – The Authoritarian Playbook
  📄 https://statesuniteddemocracy.org/report/the-authoritarian-playbook/

• Gaslit Nation Podcast
  🎙️ https://www.gaslitnationpod.com

• The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron
  🎨 https://juliacameronlive.com/the-artists-way/

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Call to Action

If this story resonates with you—if you’re waking up to the pain, the patterns, and the truth—know that support is here.

I work with midlife women who are reclaiming their voice, their power, and their vision for a more just and loving world.

I'm licensed for private online psychotherapy work in CA, AZ, FL, OR.

✨ To arrange a free telephone consultation, email me: This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

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Summary

This article explores how a midlife woman’s awakening from narcissistic abuse parallels her growing awareness of national and global injustice. As she recognizes the same manipulative tactics in politics that once controlled her personally, she experiences rage, grief, and clarity. The post offers a therapeutic arc from overwhelm to empowerment, encouraging readers to honor their anger, care for their bodies, and take focused, values-based action.

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FAQ

Q: Why does the news make me feel like I’m reliving my trauma?
A: Because you are witnessing patterns—gaslighting, cruelty, control—that mimic what you once survived. Your nervous system is responding to real danger and past memory.

Q: Is anger bad for my healing?
A: No. Anger is a natural, protective emotion. When acknowledged and channeled, it becomes fuel for healthy boundaries and right action.

Q: I feel overwhelmed. How can I do anything useful?
A: Start small. Choose one area of focus. Even one aligned act—calling a representative, writing a letter, comforting a neighbor—builds strength and integrity.

Q: Can psychotherapy really help with this level of pain?
A: Yes. Depth therapy can help you understand how past trauma shapes your reactions, build resilience, and reclaim your full self so you can live with clarity and purpose.