Midlife women can walk away from manipulation   Photo by Mathias Reding on Unsplash

Midlife Women: When Disapproval Validates and Approval Undermines

By Joanna Poppink, MFT
Private Depth Psychotherapy for Midlife Women and Beyond
🌿 www.eatingdisorderrecovery.net

Introduction

Many midlife women who have survived narcissistic abuse find themselves confused by an unexpected dynamic: they feel validated by disapproval and undermined by approval. After years of navigating emotional control, they no longer seek praise from the narcissist—they brace against it. Approval often signals manipulation. Disapproval, though painful, can feel like confirmation that they’re growing beyond the narcissist’s reach.

These women enhance their homes, deepen their creativity, and expand their lives. And still, they imagine the narcissist—whether a former partner, adult child, parent, or friend—reacting. A frown. A stiff posture. A silent, judgmental stare. These signs of discomfort feel strangely satisfying.

Why? Because disapproval means they’ve done something the narcissist doesn’t control.

Over time, they begin to recognize the pattern: praise and criticism are not about truth—they are tools of manipulation. Praise rewards sacrifice and invisibility. Criticism punishes independence. Both tactics shrink a woman’s self-concept and tether her to roles that serve the narcissist’s ego.

This article explores how midlife women move through three psychological stages of awakening. It highlights how approval can undermine, how disapproval can validate, and how to rebuild a life that no longer performs for the narcissist’s gaze.

Stage 1: Believing the Narcissist’s Frame

“Their judgment must be right—so I’ll try harder to please.”

At this stage, the midlife woman accepts the narcissist’s worldview as her own. The narcissist—whether a partner, parent, adult child, sibling, or friend—offers selective praise for tasks that serve them: errands, emotional labor, invisibility. That praise feels like love, and criticism feels like truth.

She’s told:

• “You’re amazing at organizing.”
• “No one else could hold this family together.”
• “You’re strong because you never complain.”
• “You’re the perfect grandmother.”
• “You’re so generous with the children.”

Each statement is wrapped in a compliment but binds her to a narrow identity. She is celebrated only when she stays small. Her creative dreams, career goals, educational pursuits, or even interior design decisions are seen as threats to the narcissist’s control.

She learns:

• To equate usefulness with worth.
• To associate approval with self-erasure.
• To fear rocking the boat.

Eventually, she forgets she once wanted more.

Stage 2: Doubt and Resentment Emerge

“Something doesn’t feel right—but I’m afraid to say it out loud.”

The midlife woman begins to question the imbalance. Her wins are ignored, her thoughts dismissed, her joy met with resistance.

She hears:

• “The children miss you when you’re out doing your thing.”
• “We can’t have a family gathering without you cooking.”
• “You think your little classes are more important than us?”
• “We need you to babysit—don’t you want to help the family?”

And then come the threats:

• “If you leave, I’ll fight you for the children.” (Though the narcissist has never taken part in their care.)
• “You’ll have to live in your parents’ guest room.” (Even though she’s building independence.)
• “Everyone will blame you for breaking up the family.” (Though many already know the truth.)
• “You’re too old to start over.” (Even as she feels herself just beginning.)
• “No one will want you.” (Used to isolate and erode self-worth.)
• “You’ll be penniless.” (Despite her skills, education, or legal rights.)

These threats are usually empty. The narcissist has no intention of following through. Their power lies in how effectively they freeze a woman’s progress.

At this stage, fear and resentment signal the beginning of awakening. A woman may not speak her truth aloud yet—but she’s starting to know it.

Stage 3: Awareness of the Control Mechanism

“Both praise and criticism were tools to keep me small.”

The midlife woman now sees the pattern with clarity. The narcissist’s praise feels false. Their disapproval feels strangely validating. Why? Because it confirms that she is no longer controllable.

She realizes:

• Praise was doled out only when she complied.
• Criticism was used to punish autonomy.
• Threats were bluffs meant to keep her in place.

The very things that once brought criticism—her confidence, creativity, financial decisions, and spiritual growth—are now signs that she is alive and becoming whole.

She starts to act for herself:

• She no longer imagines the narcissist’s reaction before redecorating or taking a class.
• She doesn’t explain her decisions to win approval.
• She feels discomfort but doesn’t shrink from it.

Disapproval becomes evidence of progress. Praise loses its spell.

Summary

Narcissistic abuse distorts emotional meaning. For midlife women, the cycle often looks like this:

• Praise and criticism become tools of manipulation.
• Approval rewards self-erasure.
• Disapproval punishes autonomy.
• Threats paralyze growth with fear.

Healing begins when a woman sees through the performance. She learns to live without the narcissist as her imagined audience. She reclaims the authority to define her own value.

FAQ

Q: Why did the narcissist’s approval feel good for so long?
Because approval was tied to safety. Many midlife women are conditioned to seek approval to survive—even at the cost of themselves.

Q: Why did I believe their threats?
Because the narcissist’s confidence masked their falsehoods, and because fear of abandonment can override logic—especially in long-term dynamics.

Q: Why does their disapproval feel validating now?
Because your actions no longer orbit their needs. Their disapproval confirms that you are becoming yourself.

Q: How do I stop performing for the narcissist, real or imagined?
Notice the performance. Ask: What would I do if I didn’t need anyone to approve? Then start doing that, in small ways, every day.

Resources

• Judith HermanJudith Herman – Trauma and RecoveryTrauma and Recovery
• Bessel van der Kolk – The Body Keeps the Score
• Elinor Greenberg – Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations
• Ramani Durvasula – Don’t You Know Who I Am?
• Wendy Behary – Disarming the Narcissist

Related Articles on This Site

 Midlife Women Worksheet: Power After Narcissistic Manipulation

• Eating Disorders and Narcissistic Abuse: Why you attract narcissists
• Narcissistic Abuse from a Parent: how to heal
• Power vs. Control: A Life-Changing Distinction for Healing and Survival
• Outgrowing Relationships: a Powerful Act of Self-Love

Journal Prompts & Recovery Worksheet

Use the companion Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Worksheet to explore:

https://www.eatingdisorderrecovery.net/recovery-healing/worksheet-reclaiming-power-after-narcissistic-manipulation

• What types of praise or criticism shaped your self-image?
• Which threats from the narcissist still echo in your mind?
• What do you want that you’ve been afraid to pursue?
• Where do you still seek permission to exist?

Work with Joanna

If this article resonates with you and you’re ready to heal from narcissistic abuse, I invite you to explore the possibilities of depth psychotherapy for midlife women and beyond 📧 Email: This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

Joanna Poppink, MFT, licensed private psychotherapist, online, CA, OR, FL, AZ

📧 Email: This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. for free telephone consultation appointment

Path to healing

Summary

Eating disorder behavior as panic attack reveals how the body tries to regulate overwhelming emotion. Understanding this connection between body and psyche opens a path to genuine recovery through depth psychotherapy and emotional awareness.

Eating Disorder Panic Attack: The Hidden Panic Beneath Control

For many people, eating disorder behavior can be a form of panic attack. What appears to be control — counting calories, restricting food, purging, or exercising beyond exhaustion — is often the body’s attempt to stop inner chaos. The surface appears disciplined, but underneath lives panic, anxiety, and emotional overwhelm. The person may not tremble or gasp for breath as in a typical panic attack; instead, the panic shows itself through urgent and repetitive behavior around food.

*pix   Diane Keaton RIP  Beloved and forever remembered   2025

(written in 2011) When I saw the headline, My five-year bulimia nightmare, by Diane Keaton, I felt pangs of sorrow and a tender connection with Diane. (Her book,Then Again, discusses her bulimia experience).

Midlife Women and the Cost of Compliance: Which path do you take?

How cultural roles shape identity—and how to claim a life of your own

At a Glance

• Compliance can appear as kindness or devotion—but often comes at a cost to women, erasing their autonomy and identity.
• Midlife brings a reckoning: the roles once rewarded no longer fit or sustain us.
• Suppressing needs and desires often leads to anxiety, depression, eating disorders, or compulsions.
• Depth psychotherapy offers a path to rediscovering your authentic self and living life on your own terms.
• Also see Worksheet: Midlife Women's Compliance, Reflections on Cost and Current Choices.

I. The Shape of a Life Not Chosen

For many women, compliance begins as a means of survival. It looks like kindness, generosity, and cooperation. But, beneath the surface, it can mean living according to pressures and expectations that originated outside of her true self.

These pressures aren’t always overt. Sometimes they arrive wrapped in love, guidance, or reward. Other times, they’re enforced through punishment or exclusion. Over time, they become internalized.

A woman learns to police herself. She believes her desires are excessive, her needs inconvenient, her longings shameful. She stays quiet. She adapts. She tries to be what is wanted.

By the time she reaches midlife, the shape she has formed herself into may be all she knows. But it doesn’t fit. It never did.

II. Where Compliance Comes From

From childhood, women are trained to please, adapt, and serve. Culture, religion, family, school, and peer relationships all participate in shaping this early conditioning.

• A girl is praised for being quiet and cooperative.
• She’s rewarded for meeting others’ needs before her own.
• She’s criticized or excluded when she asserts herself.
• Her education often prepares her to support others rather than lead.

Over time, she learns to take pride in being useful and supportive—even as her contributions are overlooked or absorbed into someone else’s success.

The tragedy isn’t just that others fail to recognize her value. It’s that she’s been conditioned not to claim it herself.

III. The Voice That Lives Inside Her

By adulthood, external control is no longer necessary. Compliance becomes self-policing. Now an adult, the woman hesitates to speak her mind. She shames herself for wanting more—more respect, more rest, more life.

Signs that compliance has become self-erasure include:

• Reluctance to ask for recognition or support.
• Avoiding conflict at any cost.
• Dismissing her ambitions or desires before naming them.
• Feeling guilty when setting boundaries.

And symptoms emerge: anxiety, depression, compulsions, fatigue, and eating disorders. These are often treated in isolation, but they’re rarely random afflictions.

“The self she has had to suppress to comply is demanding to be heard.”

(Read more: Women and the Stages of a Midlife Breakthrough)

IV. Outliving the Script

Women are raised into roles with clear cultural value: to be desirable, supportive, fertile, and emotionally available. These roles are rewarded—but they have an expiration date.

By midlife, a woman may find she no longer fits into any recognizable cultural category. She has outlived the script, but she hasn’t died.

“When a woman crosses a certain age, the culture doesn’t know what to do with her.”

For many, the response is to hold onto earlier roles with intense effort. We see it in:

• Cosmetic surgeries and Botox treatments.
• Rigorous exercise and restrictive diets.
• Striving to preserve a youthful appearance to maintain social acceptance.

But when a woman shows up fully—intelligent, sexual, assertive—she risks criticism or mockery. Her presence challenges the narrative that she is supposed to disappear.

(Related reading: Midlife Women: When Disapproval Validates and Approval Undermines)

V. History Repeats

This isn’t new. During World War II, when men left to fight, women stepped into roles in factories, shipyards, and offices. “Rosie the Riveter” became a national symbol of women’s strength and capability.

But when the war ended, women were fired, sent back home, and expected to resume domestic roles so men could return to the workforce. Their competence was acknowledged only temporarily.

We see this pattern repeated: a woman is allowed to step forward only under exceptional circumstances—and only for a limited time.

VI. The Consequences of a Life Deferred

Long-term compliance has consequences. A woman who has spent decades shrinking herself, denying her needs, and internalizing blame may not recognize the cost until something breaks.

Common consequences include:

• Depression and anxiety
• Compulsions and addictions
• Fatigue and chronic stress
• Eating disorders and body image distress
• Loss of identity and diminished self-worth

Too often, treatment focuses on the symptom rather than the cause. The compliance—the life lived under imposed roles—remains unexamined.

Worse, a woman’s desire for autonomy, freedom, and vitality may itself be pathologized. She may be told she’s unstable, selfish, or erratic for refusing to comply. But the disturbance isn’t in her—it’s in the system that demanded her silence.

(Read more: Midlife Women as Consciousness Pioneers)

VII. She Is Not Alone

Some women, at great cost, stop complying. Not to rebel, but because they can no longer lie to themselves.

They begin to listen inwardly. They ask hard questions:

• Who decided this life for me?
• What if I want something different?
• What does freedom look like for me?

At first, they may feel lost. There is no script for the woman who refuses to vanish. But she is not alone.

Across generations and cultures, more women are choosing to live on their own terms, meeting their true identities for the first time, and discovering how to stand, speak, and hold ground—even when the world pushes back.

Summary

Midlife often brings a quiet reckoning. The roles that once kept you safe no longer fit. Compliance may have protected you, but it has also constrained you.

You are not wrong for wanting more. You are not unstable for seeking freedom. You are discovering what has been limited and stepping into your authentic life.

And you are not alone.

From My Library

• Midlife Women: When Rage Becomes a Healing Force
• Midlife Women Worksheet: Power After Narcissistic Manipulation
• Women and the Stages of a Midlife Breakthrough
• Midlife Women as Consciousness Pioneers: Claiming Your Unlived Life

Feminist & Depth Psychology

• Karen Horney — Feminine Psychology
• Virginia Woolf — A Room of One’s Own
• George Sand — Memoirs and Letters

An Invitation to Depth Psychotherapy

“If these themes resonate with you, I invite you to explore depth psychotherapy with me. Together, we can uncover the patterns holding you back, heal what has been silenced, and help you claim a life that is fully your own.”

Even if compliance shaped your life, it doesn’t mean your life was empty. You may have had sincere joy, delight, and meaning within the roles you were given. But those joys were often time-limited and role-limited. Now, in midlife and beyond, you may want more—and different. You may not even know yet what that “more” is.

Depth psychotherapy with me offers a space to discover it. Together, we explore what compliance has cost, what joy has already lived in you, and what is waiting beyond roles handed down by others. You don’t need to make this journey alone.

Joanna Poppink, MFT

Licensed in CA, AZ, FL, and OR, online appointments only

For a free telephone consultation, write: This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

The Narcissist’s Playbook: What One Midlife Woman’s Awakening Reveals Herself and Our World

By Joanna Poppink, MFT
Private Depth Psychotherapy for Women in Midlife and Beyond

Introduction: Midlife Woman Sees What Was Always There

Louise, a 63 year old now divorced professional woman with an active professional career, adult children and growing grandchildren, has spent a lifetime under the influence of narcissists.

She didn’t always know it. She remembered fragments—sharp criticisms, confusing praise, the constant undertow of self-doubt. But she couldn’t see the pattern clearly. Not yet.

Over time, with determination and support, she began to heal. She saw how the praise was a trap, the criticism a leash. She began to build her own life, one breath and boundary at a time. Yet even as she stepped into freedom, echoes of the past haunted her—unconscious beliefs, old fears, hidden loyalties to the very people who hurt her.

Then one day, Louise opened her phone.

Recognition on a National Scale

Her screen filled with alerts:

• Medicare and Medicaid under attack

• Public education gutted

• Free speech threatened

• Programs for hungry children slashed

• Federal agents kidnapping people from public parks, homes, and shelters—disappearing them into detention centers

• Local businesses closing, unable to survive

• Asylum seekers and refugees brutalized

• Global hunger ignored

A terrible recognition passed through her body.

This isn’t just politics. It’s personal.
These are the same tactics the narcissist used on me.

Gaslighting. Threats. Withholding care. Attacking vulnerability. Enforcing silence. Destroying hope. Hollowing out meaning.

She saw the narcissist’s playbook now operating on a national scale.

The Parallel: Personal Abuse and Public Betrayal

For those who’ve lived under narcissistic control, the tactics of authoritarianism are not abstract—they are familiar.

When you've been groomed to accept cruelty as love, and erasure as protection, it becomes easier to miss the signs in public life.

But once you see it, you can’t unsee it.

The rage rises. The body tightens. The grief comes. The betrayal feels total.

This midlife woman—like many midlife survivors—is not just reacting to headlines. She is reliving her trauma, this time reflected on the world stage.

This Midlife Woman's Rage Is Sacred

Louise feels her rage in her gut. Her throat. The base of her skull. Behind her eyes.
She feels sick. She’s exhausted. But beneath the weariness is a rising, ancient, undeniable truth:

She is furious.

And that anger is not a problem. It is a power.

Rage, when witnessed and directed, becomes moral clarity. It tells us what we will no longer tolerate—what must never be allowed again.

Therapeutic Steps Toward Healing and Action

How can Louise or any midlife woman carry this awareness—this grief, rage, and recognition—and not be crushed by it?

She must turn inward, ground herself, and choose how to live from this new level of truth.

1. Validate the Echo

• Say to yourself: “This is real. What I’m seeing—and what I’m feeling—is real.”

• You are not too sensitive. You are attuned.

2. Care for Your Body

• Drink water. Walk in nature. Breathe deeply. Nap.

• These are not escapes—they are strategic replenishment.

3. Channel the Anger

• Write. Paint. Scream. Organize. Vote. Speak.

• Let your rage fuel you toward protecting what you love.

4. Choose Your Focus

• You don’t need to fix everything. Focus on one realm where you can take meaningful action—education, hunger, civil rights, the environment, community healing.

5. Connect with Others Who See

• Find a group, a circle, a friend. Let your clarity grow stronger with others.

• Mutual witnessing transforms pain into power.

Midlife Women's Reflection Questions

• Where do I see the tactics of personal abuse echoed in public life?

• What part of me is being reawakened by what I see around me?

• What kind of world do I want to protect—and how can I begin, even in a small way, today?

You Are Not Alone

This moment of recognition is not a breakdown. It’s a breakthrough.

The woman in this story could be any one of us. She could be you.

You are not crazy. You are waking up.
You are not weak. You are responding with your full humanity.
And you are not alone.

Resources for Support and Action

Psychological Healing

• Joanna Poppink, MFT – Depth Therapy for Midlife Women
  🌿 https://www.eatingdisorderrecovery.net

• The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk
  📘 https://www.besselvanderkolk.com/resources/the-body-keeps-the-score

Civic Awareness and Resistance

• Protect Democracy
  ⚖️ https://protectdemocracy.org

• States United – The Authoritarian Playbook
  📄 https://statesuniteddemocracy.org/report/the-authoritarian-playbook/

• Gaslit Nation Podcast
  🎙️ https://www.gaslitnationpod.com

• The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron
  🎨 https://juliacameronlive.com/the-artists-way/

Call to Action

If this story resonates with you—if you’re waking up to the pain, the patterns, and the truth—know that support is here.

I work with midlife women who are reclaiming their voice, their power, and their vision for a more just and loving world.

I'm licensed for private online psychotherapy work in CA, AZ, FL, OR.

✨ To arrange a free telephone consultation, email me: This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

Summary

This article explores how a midlife woman’s awakening from narcissistic abuse parallels her growing awareness of national and global injustice. As she recognizes the same manipulative tactics in politics that once controlled her personally, she experiences rage, grief, and clarity. The post offers a therapeutic arc from overwhelm to empowerment, encouraging readers to honor their anger, care for their bodies, and take focused, values-based action.

FAQ

Q: Why does the news make me feel like I’m reliving my trauma?
A: Because you are witnessing patterns—gaslighting, cruelty, control—that mimic what you once survived. Your nervous system is responding to real danger and past memory.

Q: Is anger bad for my healing?
A: No. Anger is a natural, protective emotion. When acknowledged and channeled, it becomes fuel for healthy boundaries and right action.

Q: I feel overwhelmed. How can I do anything useful?
A: Start small. Choose one area of focus. Even one aligned act—calling a representative, writing a letter, comforting a neighbor—builds strength and integrity.

Q: Can psychotherapy really help with this level of pain?
A: Yes. Depth therapy can help you understand how past trauma shapes your reactions, build resilience, and reclaim your full self so you can live with clarity and purpose.

Transparent information as part of the No Surprise Act. Your Good Faith Estimate shows costs and the diagnosis range.

For a free telephone consultation, e-mail her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

Perfection as Safety through Restricting Food

1. Perfectionism and Food Restriction as Coping Mechanisms: Individuals with eating disorders often strive for perfection by restricting food intake to manage anxiety and fear, equating thinness with safety and control. This drive serves as a way to soothe and distract from emotional suffering.
 
2. The Illusory and Exhausting Nature of Perfection: The relentless pursuit of perfection is unachievable and exhausting, leading to constant anxiety about maintaining an unattainable standard. This obsession undermines self-worth and emotional stability, impacting relationships and overall life satisfaction.
 
3. Path to Genuine Recovery: True safety and health come from abandoning the fantasy of perfection and embracing imperfection. Building trust with a therapist and committing to recovery allows individuals to develop internal strength, ultimately leading to more fulfilling and authentic lives.

Perfection is often the goal in early eating disorder recovery work. Whether clients suffer from bulimia, anorexia, compulsive overeating, or binge eating, the desire for perfection often looms large. When anxious and frightened, they may attempt to control their body shape and size by restricting their food intake in their drive to be perfect.

This drive to restrict food is viewed as a way to soothe, numb, and distract from suffering. The idea of becoming smaller can be thrilling because, in their minds, being thin and tiny equates to a fantasy of ultimate safety.

While self-improvement and striving for excellence are natural, the relentless pursuit of perfection is exhausting and can blind individuals to opportunities for joy and satisfaction.

How Perfection Relates to Restricting and Eating Disorders

"Do I have an eating disorder if I only binge on healthy foods?

Desperate Hope

This question speaks of a desperate hope to find a way to be safe and healthy. You want to give yourself good nourishment. You want to take care of yourself. You want to live. Yet you know that a binge, even quality food, harms your body and your life.

Compulsion to Binge Eat

At the same time, you can't stop bingeing. Since you are helpless to stop, you try to make your binge and yourself as safe from negative consequences as possible.