"Sleep that knits the raveled sleeve of care." William Shakespeare

A person with an eating disorder often misinterprets body signals. You may tend to avoid sleep when you are tired. When feelings of tiredness turn into food cravings, rather than getting the rest you need, trouble is brewing.

When you suffer from an eating disorder, you've made an unconscious contract that involves your mind, spirit and body. Your contract states that any thoughts or feelings that are painful or disruptive must be blocked. Your body must process its energy so you can remain unaware of your authentic responses.

So you eat or starve or binge and purge or compulsively or mindlessly eat to block your feelings and thoughts. Over time, the contract gets refined so you can feel almost anything and register the feeling as hunger.

When you feel tired, you may experience fatigue as a trigger to eat. This situation develops into a pattern where you may avoid sleep by eating instead of sleeping.

                                              Courage to think and know who you are often begins in depth psychotherapy

Courage Now: Psychotherapy as an Act of Courage and Resistance

By Joanna Poppink, MFT

Private Depth Psychotherapy for Women in Midlife and Beyond

Courage Now: Summary

Psychotherapy as an Act of Courage and Resistance explores how depth psychotherapy can serve as a powerful response to personal pain and collective injustice. Drawing on the author’s experience with renowned psychoanalyst Hedda Bolgar—who resisted Nazi oppression—the piece argues that therapy is not just self-care but moral action.

In a world where truth is censored and vulnerability punished, therapy helps individuals cultivate emotional resilience, inner authority, and the capacity to act from conscience. Featuring quotes from Carl Jung, Viktor Frankl, Audre Lorde, Toni Morrison, and others, the article positions psychotherapy as a space for liberation, truth-telling, and courageous self-examination.

                                                                                                              Life disruption: Small protections matter

 

Life Disruption: How Inner Strength Prepares Us 

By Joanna Poppink, MFT

Licensed Psychotherapist – Depth-Oriented Healing for Adults

Life disruption preparedness is more than stored extra water, canned goods and board games in the closet. We often think of planning as a practical activity—saving money, assembling emergency kits, and organizing documents. But there's another layer to preparation, one that psychotherapy addresses: emotional and psychological readiness.

Before a crisis strikes—whether it's personal, collective, or existential—your ability to face what's difficult to imagine can become a quiet strength. You don't just plan for what to do. You prepare for how to be.

What Is Life Disruption?

 Emotional Holding and Inner Strength

 

Depth Psychotherapy: Understanding Emotional Holding

 

In the realm of depth psychotherapy, the emotional holding often leads us to necessary discomfort. This may sound counterintuitive—especially in a culture obsessed with quick relief and emotional "fixes." Nevertheless, if we hope to truly recover from eating disorders, trauma, or long-standing emotional pain, we need to understand a crucial distinction: the difference between comfort and holding.

Both have value. However, each serves different purposes—and only one supports lasting transformation.

 

Reflection in depth psychotherapy

 

 

Depth Psychotherapy: How to Get the Most Out of It

 

The Mindset That Supports Depth Psychotherapy and Real Healing.

What it really takes to grow, change, and heal from the inside out.

 

Depth Psychotherapy: How to Get the Most Out of It

 

The Mindset That Supports Depth Psychotherapy and Real Healing
What it really takes to grow, change, and heal from the inside out

 

What Is Depth Psychotherapy?

Depth psychotherapy is more than talk therapy. It’s a path of healing that goes beneath surface behaviors and symptoms to address the unconscious roots of suffering. This kind of therapy is especially meaningful for those of us who feel stuck, lost, overwhelmed, or caught in patterns we can’t seem to change—no matter how much we’ve tried.

Whether we’re beginning therapy for eating disorder recovery, trauma, anxiety, grief, or navigating a major life transition, the mindset we bring to depth psychotherapy makes a difference. In fact, our approach can determine how deeply the work takes root.

 

The Mindset That Supports Depth Psychotherapy and Real Healing

 

1. Begin with the Self

In depth psychotherapy, the journey always begins with the self—not as a fixed identity, but as something alive, changing, and layered. Like water, we must give ourselves space to move, to soften, and to reveal our deeper truths.

Therapy doesn’t begin with answers. Instead, it begins with willingness—the courage to change and the humility to not yet know how. Over time, this orientation becomes foundational.

Ultimately, a conscious, honest relationship with ourselves becomes the root system from which all other meaningful relationships grow: with others, with our story, with the unconscious, and with what is sacred.

2. Cultivate Humility Over Performance

Healing isn’t about proving our strength or demonstrating insight. Rather, depth psychotherapy invites modesty. It asks us to show up without performance. Therefore, we don’t need to impress or get it “right.”

What matters is our devotion to the process—returning to it with openness, even when it feels slow, painful, or unclear.

Over time, therapy deepens when we stop evaluating our progress and begin trusting that the work itself is the progress. As a result, we start measuring healing not by milestones but by presence.

3. Be in the World, But Not of It

As we continue in-depth psychotherapy, we learn to live in the world without becoming absorbed by its distractions, speed, or rigid expectations. That doesn’t mean shutting down or becoming avoidant. On the contrary, it means staying inwardly spacious.

We begin listening for the symbols, dreams, emotional shifts, and unspoken longings that guide a different kind of knowing. Meanwhile, we learn to attune to what is both ordinary and extraordinary.

Eventually, we hold the capacity to wash the dishes while also tending to the soul. In doing so, we cultivate a psyche that is both grounded and alive.

4. Prepare the Ground Before Growth

Real progress often follows deep internal correction. Like a garden that must be cleared of weeds before it can bloom, the psyche must be cleared of outdated defenses, distorted beliefs, and unconscious loyalties before something new can take root.

At first, stillness often comes. Depth psychotherapy honors the value of pausing, reflecting, and letting the dust settle. Only then does a more authentic direction begin to emerge—not from willpower, but from truth.

As a result, the path may still look the same on the surface, even while profound reorganization is taking place within.

5. Tolerate What We Once Rejected

One of the most powerful—and complex—skills we develop in depth psychotherapy is learning to stay with what we once avoided. Not everything that arises in the healing process will feel good or make sense. For example, some truths may conflict with our self-image or with others' expectations. Some emotions may seem too messy, too painful, or too inconvenient to let in.

And yet, healing requires this kind of inner strength. It means allowing what is unwanted to exist—without controlling it, pushing it away, or pretending it’s not there.

The grief that lingers. The anger that resurfaces. The longing we hoped had vanished. These are not failures. Instead, they are thresholds.

In fact, our capacity to tolerate emotional discomfort without collapsing, fleeing, or judging it is what makes deep healing possible.

Insight alone is not enough. More importantly, patience with the emotional truth of our lives—especially when it challenges our habits of control—is what liberates the psyche.

6. Let the Process Be Enough

In our results-driven world, depth psychotherapy can be quietly radical. It asks us to stop grasping for outcomes and instead attend to the process itself. Insight doesn’t always come with resolution. Sometimes, progress looks like sitting through confusion, naming an emotion, or noticing a shift in our body’s response.

Bit by bit, we begin to trust the moment-to-moment work. When we stop chasing transformation and show up for what is real, something in us begins to change in lasting, subtle ways.

Consequently, we start to recognize that healing is not an event—it’s a way of being.

7. Beware of Hurry and Bypass

There is a gentle warning here: we must not rush. We must not assume that awareness equals healing. Also, we must not bypass the uncomfortable places by turning every insight into a checklist.

Depth psychotherapy is not a fix.  It's a practice of staying conscious and balanced over time.

While our therapist may offer guidance, containment, and reflection, ultimately, it is our own inner presence that carries the work forward. In the end, we must learn to balance ourselves.

Moreover, this kind of balance can only be achieved through practice, not performance.

Ancient Wisdom Still Applies in Depth Psychotherapy

The temple at Delphi once bore two inscriptions that remain relevant to therapy today: “Know thyself” and “Nothing in excess.”

To know ourselves—not conceptually but through sustained inner experience—is the heart of depth psychotherapy.

To bring nothing in excess—neither urgency, avoidance, nor self-judgment—allows the work to unfold with honesty and depth.

In this way, these ancient teachings reflect the rhythm of real healing: engaged, balanced, and quietly transformative.

Healing Means Reclaiming the Whole Self

In depth psychotherapy, we do more than resolve problems. We recover lost parts of the self. We make space for what was once pushed away. We bring light to the shadow and voice to the silence.

We create the conditions for the psyche to become whole again. Therefore, integration becomes our goal—not perfection.

Of course, this work is not fast. It is not always easy. However, it is alive, soulful, and real. And it calls for a particular mindset: humility, receptivity, patience, and strength.

This is what makes depth psychotherapy work.
This is the path to true healing.

Summary for Depth Psychotherapy Principles

Beginning depth psychotherapy is not about getting quick answers—it’s about cultivating a mindset that allows for real transformation.

In depth-oriented therapy, we do more than manage symptoms; we enter a relationship with ourselves that is honest, steady, and soulful.

By approaching therapy with humility, patience, and curiosity, we prepare the inner ground for lasting change.

The work invites us to reclaim lost parts of the self, to tolerate emotional truths, and to resist the cultural pressure to hurry or to perform.

This is not easy work. But it is real, and it leads us toward greater freedom, wholeness, and inner peace.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)

Q: What’s the difference between depth psychotherapy and regular therapy?
A: Depth psychotherapy goes beyond symptom management. It explores unconscious material, early life experiences, defenses, and inner symbolism to foster lasting, soulful change.

Q: How can I prepare myself mentally before starting therapy?
A: Come with openness, not certainty. Therapy asks for humility and a willingness to experience—not just analyze—our inner life.

Q: I’ve been in therapy before but didn’t feel real progress. Will this be different?
A: Possibly. Depth therapy focuses on deeper emotional truths rather than strategies or behavioral tips. Progress can look subtle at first but often creates more lasting shifts over time.

Q: Can depth psychotherapy help if I don’t know what’s wrong—just that something feels off?
A: Yes. Often, we begin therapy with only a vague sense of disconnection or distress. That’s enough. The clarity tends to emerge through the work.

Q: How long does depth therapy take?
A: This is long-term work. There is no quick fix. But if we're ready to slow down, be honest, and stay with the process, it can be life-changing.

Q: Do I have to talk about my childhood?
A: Not always, but early experiences often shape how we relate to ourselves and others. We go there only as it becomes relevant and safe to do so.

Ready to Begin?

Therapy isn’t just about feeling better. It’s about being more fully alive.

If you’re ready to begin depth psychotherapy with a seasoned guide, I offer virtual sessions for adults in California, Oregon, Florida, and Arizona. I specialize in eating disorder recovery, trauma, and the inner life of high-functioning women navigating change, loss, or longing.

Contact me for a free consultation. This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

 

Resources

📚 Books

1. The Art of the Psychotherapist by James F. T. Bugental
   
   

2. Lover, Exorcist, Critic: Understanding Depth Psychotherapy by Alan Michael Karbelnig
   
   

3. Classical Adlerian Depth Psychotherapy: Volume I by Henry T. Stein
   
   

4. Deep Play: Exploring the Use of Depth in Psychotherapy with Children edited by Dennis McCarthy
   
   

5. Psychodynamic Therapy: A Guide to Evidence‑Based Practice (2nd ed.) by Summers, Barber & Zilcha‑Mano
   

6. The Doctor and the Soul: From Psychotherapy to Logotherapy by Viktor E. Frankl
   
   

7. Reaching Through Resistance: Advanced Psychotherapy Techniques by Allan Abbass MD
   
   

8. Working at Relational Depth in Counselling and Psychotherapy (2nd ed.) by Dave Mearns & Mick Cooper
   

9. Dreamwork in Holistic Psychotherapy of Depression by Greg Bogart
   
   

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🌐 Websites & Articles

• Depth Psychotherapy – Kara Swedlow, PhD (overview of unconscious roots and therapeutic process)
  
  

• Anderson Depth Therapy – Depth Therapy Reading List (annotated bibliography)
  
  

• Why Depth Therapy is More Enduring Than a Quick Fix of CBT (Reddit discussion, citing efficacy)
  
  Joanna Poppink, MFT, is a depth-oriented psychotherapist specializing in midlife and older women's particular challenges, trauma integration, and healing from eating disorders. She offers virtual psychotherapy in California, Arizona, Florida, and Oregon. For a free telephone consultation, write to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..

 

 

 

 

 

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                                                                           Protests and the National Guard on Los Angeles streets

Protests and the National Guard: Finding Your Stability in Confrontation

By Joanna Poppink, MFT
Licensed Psychotherapist – Depth-Oriented Healing for Adults

 

Summary

When National Guard troops appear in our neighborhoods and streets, our emotional and psychological safety can be shaken—even if we are not directly involved. Joanna Poppink, MFT, offers a grounded path forward: anchoring yourself with inner practices, differentiating between reality and fear-fueled imagination, and recognizing that emotional upheaval is not failure but a sign of transformation. This article offers practical steps for cultivating resilience and restoring stability amid public unrest.

Protests and the National Guard, plus Marines on the streets of Los Angeles, are not just a political issue. Rather, it is a profound emotional and psychological shock. Peaceful protesters—people motivated by compassion, a desire to protect the vulnerable—are also driven by rage, sorrow, and indignation in the face of injustice, cruelty, and the presence of armed forces in our streets.

At the same time, even so, those who are not directly involved find themselves anxious, angry, frightened, and powerless. Some are motivated to join the protests. In contrast, others express their views through letters, social media, and signs in their neighborhoods. Still, others provide support for those on the front lines with encouragement, food, water, and safe harbors.

Meanwhile, others are overcome with anxiety, numbness, insomnia, gut pain, or tearful breakdowns. Not surprisingly, many are disoriented by their own reactions. Their hard-won methods of maintaining emotional balance—meditation, yoga, therapy, prayer, walking, routine—begin to break down under the pressure.

So, what do we do when our inner structure is strained to near collapse in the face of outer chaos?

How Boundary Trauma Leads to Eating Disorders

By Joanna Poppink, MFT | Licensed Psychotherapist

 

                                                                              Boundary respect and healthy support

 

Summary

Many people believe eating disorders are about food, weight, or appearance. In reality, they are often rooted in boundary trauma—both the kind we recognize, like abuse, and the kind we overlook, like overindulgence. Both forms limit a person's ability to recognize and cope with life challenges. This article explores how ignoring a child's individuality and needs through boundary violations can distort a person's sense of self and lead to eating disorders. Healing begins with understanding the deeper causes and learning to restore and protect one's inner limits.

Introduction: Why Do Eating Disorders Begin?

Hundreds of people have asked me why someone develops an eating disorder. While many factors are involved, one critical theme runs through every story I've heard: the relentless violation of boundaries early in life. Eating disorders are not about food—they are about survival. They are responses to a chronic lack of safety, autonomy, and respect.

Understanding Importance of a Boundary: More Than Saying "No"

Think of a traffic light: red for stop, green for go, yellow for caution. Our boundaries function the same way. But when those signals are ignored or overridden—especially in childhood—they stop working altogether. When our internal "lights" are disabled, we lose track of what's safe or dangerous. Chaos, confusion, and emotional collapse often follow.

Total Boundary Invasion: The Core Wound

People who develop eating disorders often endure ongoing invasions of their physical, emotional, psychological, intellectual, and even creative boundaries. With no power to protect themselves, they internalize helplessness, despair, and the belief they are worthless.

Most people recognize physical abuse, sexual assault, and emotional cruelty as traumatic boundary invasions and attacks on the sense of self. But few acknowledge that overindulgence, overgratification, and overprotection can also be harmful. These violations, which give a child a sense of no boundaries, can be psychologically damaging, often without being acknowledged as dangerous.

When "Caring" Crosses a Boundary: The Hidden Harm of Overgiving

When a child is given everything without earning it, or when adults remove every challenge "to help," the child doesn't learn to cope with reality, develop motivation and skills to achieve her goals or appreciate the limits of others. She doesn't learn limits, effort, or empathy. She may grow up expecting the world to adjust to her needs and fall apart when it doesn't.

Similarly, when a child's autonomy is stifled under the guise of safety or caretaking, she loses trust in her instincts. She adapts to please others but cannot define herself. Over time, this results in deep psychological disorientation—fertile ground for an eating disorder to take root.

How It Manifests in Different Eating Disorders

• The Compulsive Overeater eats for emotional relief, not hunger. She has no inner voice that says, "That's enough."
• The Anorexic refuses food to the point of danger or death. She is unable to define her limits. She often fantasizes about disappearing.
• The Bulimic binges past her limits and purges to continue, disconnected from consequence or self-care. She blasts through boundaries and feels in control.

In each case, the individual's relationship with food mirrors their damaged relationship with boundaries. The eating disorder becomes a reenactment of boundary violations, only now self-inflicted.

Damaging Boundary Violations

Not all invasions are dramatic. These may look like love or support:

• Reading a child's diary or taking their belongings
• Choosing their clothes, friends, or meals without consent
• Shielding them from responsibility or natural consequences
• Giving without teaching effort or accountability

These acts can teach the child that her needs, preferences, and voice do not matter.

For the older child:

• Buying cars
• Paying for cell phones,
• Paying for the upkeep of the child's possessions
• Giving free access to credit cards

These examples create a void where the child does not recognize her needs, preferences, or voice. She'll run her life on impulse and gratification.

These boundary assaults teach the child to perform or manipulate rather than connect. Her identity fractures. And later, her eating disorder helps her cope.

Psychological Fallout: When Coping Becomes Destruction

Over time, the person may:

• Rely on manipulation instead of honesty
• Lose authentic self-expression
• Be unable to understand limits, consequences, or effort

As relationships suffer, she grows more isolated. Her eating disorder becomes her most consistent companion—and eventually her most damaging one.

The Paradox of Protection

What once seemed to protect her now can destroy her. The eating disorder numbs pain in the short term but deepens it over time.  Numbing pain prevents her from seeing realistic challenges in her life. She doesn't see an opportunity to cope with that reality because she is numb. To lessen her dependence on her eating disorder feels dangerous, because it requires her to experience the very pain the disorder was designed to avoid.

The Turning Point: Choosing Life

Healing begins when the person says, "I've had enough pain. I need something different."

This requires learning new things she's never been taught:

• What a healthy limit feels like
• How to say no and mean it
• How to be honest without manipulating

This is hard—but possible.

Real Healing: Learning to Honor Boundaries

With support, she can:

• Reclaim her inner space
• Build relationships with people who respect her limits
• Become her own most trustworthy caretaker

Recovery is more than symptom relief. It's a return to the self that was once silenced or split apart. That early self is immature. With eating disorder numbing in place, the person didn't develop the skills and awareness to grow and cope with challenges in a healthy, realistic way. Recovery is about growing up again, this time without the abuse and boundary invasions.

📌 FAQ: Boundary Trauma and Eating Disorders

What is boundary trauma?

Boundary trauma includes any experience where your physical, emotional, or psychological space is repeatedly crossed, whether through abuse, control, or overindulgence.

How does boundary trauma cause eating disorders?

When someone feels powerless, they may turn to food behaviors—restricting, bingeing, purging—as a form of control or escape from fear, pain, or being overwhelmed by challenges they can't meet.

 Can too much love be harmful?

 No.

Love is a deep appreciation and respect for the essence of the beloved. Joy and delight are part of appreciating the loved one's development and growing mastery in life. Encouragement, support, stability, and honest communication, taking into consideration the loved one's developmental state, promote the healthy maturation of the child.

 It replaces respect. It's a force that overrides the child's capacity to understand and cope. It erodes a child's sense of effort, limits, and reciprocity. This form of "love" can unintentionally damage autonomy and emotional development.

 

Overindulgence is not love.

Overindulgence gratifies the giver, allowing them to feel powerful and in control.  Eventually, overindulgence leads the giver to feel unappreciated and taken advantage of. At the same time, the person on the receiving end becomes entitled, demanding, and full of high expectations, with little effort or ability to achieve what they want through their efforts.

How do I know if boundary trauma affected me?

If you struggle with guilt for saying no, fear limits, feel overwhelmed by others' needs, or use food to manage emotion, boundary trauma may be at the root.

Is recovery possible?

Absolutely. With guidance, you can rebuild your internal compass, learn self-respect, and live without relying on disordered eating for emotional survival.

📚 Recommended Resources

Books

• The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk – https://www.besselvanderkolk.com/resources/the-body-keeps-the-score
• Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend – https://www.boundariesbooks.com/book/boundaries/
• Eating in the Light of the Moon by Anita Johnston – https://www.dranitajohnston.com/eating-in-the-light-of-the-moon/

Articles

• "The Psychology of Boundary Violations" – Psychology Today – https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/pieces-mind/202103/the-psychology-boundary-violations
• "Why Boundaries Matter in Healing" – PsychCentral – https://psychcentral.com/lib/why-boundaries-matter-in-healing/

Websites

• National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) – https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org
• Eating Disorder Hope – https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com
• PsychCentral – https://psychcentral.com
• Eatingdisorderrecovery – https://www.eatingdisorderrecovery.net

Documentaries

• Thin – HBO Documentary on eating disorders – https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0841150/
• The Mask You Live In – https://therepresentationproject.org/film/the-mask-you-live-in/
• Miss Representation – https://therepresentationproject.org/film/miss-representation/

Podcasts

• Food Psych with Christy Harrison – https://christyharrison.com/foodpsych
• Therapist Uncensored – https://therapistuncensored.com
• The Eating Disorder Recovery Podcast – https://rebeccascritchfield.com/eating-disorder-recovery-podcast/

Closing Words

Boundary invasion or neglect may have shaped your pain—but establishing healthy boundaries can also shape your healing. If you're struggling, know this: you can learn to protect, love, and trust yourself again. You are worth that journey.

Joanna Poppink, MFT, licensed in CA, OR, FL, AZ; private practice psychotherapy, all appointments are virtual.  For free consultation, contact her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..

www.eatingdisorderrecovery.net

For a free telephone consultation, e-mail her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

 

 

Summary

This article explores the essential dual roles of fierceness and tenderness in eating disorder recovery, especially when rooted in trauma. It invites you to rethink assumptions about people-pleasing and compassion. Additionally, it introduces tools for cultivating self-responsiveness, healthy boundaries, and self-love. Fierceness is not aggression, and tenderness is not weakness.  Together, they form the backbone of authentic healing.

________________________________________

1. Beyond Food and Weight: What Fierceness and Tenderness Reveal About Eating Disorder Recovery

To begin with, eating disorder recovery is not just about food, weight, or appearance. For many, especially those with trauma histories, the eating disorder often served or still serves as a survival strategy. In fact, people are unaware they have experienced trauma. Abusive behavior may have been so familiar that they considered it normal or what they deserved, never recognizing the toll it took. Consequently, recovery, therefore, becomes a journey of self-reclamation. It's about healing the relationship with the Self and reawakening the capacity for presence, choice, and emotional honesty.

________________________________________

2. Trauma and Eating Disorders: Why Fierceness and Tenderness Are Essential for Recovery

 

Not all eating disorders are trauma-based, but a significant number are. When trauma is present, it often leaves behind invisible patterns. For instance, abuse, neglect, chronic invalidation, or relational instability can lead to disordered eating as a form of self-regulation.

Signs of unresolved trauma in recovery include:

• Dissociation or emotional numbing
• Hypervigilance or panic around food
• Shame around rest, needs, or dependency
• A felt sense that your body is not your own

In this context, understanding trauma as the root context helps explain why fierceness and tenderness are not luxuries—they're survival tools.

Recommended Reading:

• Bessel van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score – https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/227264/the-body-keeps-the-score-by-bessel-van-der-kolk-md/

________________________________________

3. Fierceness in Eating Disorder Recovery: Standing Up for the Self

 

Let's start with fierceness is the refusal to abandon yourself.

Importantly, fierceness is not about rage or dominance. Rather, it's about declaring:

• I matter.
• I will not live in submission to my eating disorder.
• I will not live in submission to other people to avoid punishment or rejection
• I will no longer accept exploitation.
• I will no longer be self-sacrificing with no recognition or appreciation.
• I will protect the parts of me that were never protected.

Fierce moments may include:

• Saying no to a harmful person or behavior
• Resisting relapse during vulnerable times
• Showing up for therapy when you want to disappear
• Stepping into activities you love but never dared claim for yourself.

According to trauma expert Peter Levine, reclaiming your "fight" energy is essential for trauma healing. Fierceness is not the enemy—it's your nervous system remembering how to defend life.

Source: Peter Levine, Waking the Tiger – https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/72613

________________________________________

4. Tenderness in Recovery: How Gentle Self-Compassion Heals Trauma

Just as important as fierceness is tenderness. In essence, tenderness is the act of being gentle with your wounds.

If fierceness is protection, then tenderness is healing.

Here are some ways tenderness might appear:

• Letting yourself rest without guilt
• Speaking kindly to your inner child
• Holding your pain without shame
• Giving yourself moments and then hours and days of joyful experiences

Additionally, researcher Kristin Neff points out, self-compassion is a measurable, effective form of emotional resilience.

Learn More: Kristin Neff, Self-Compassion – https://self-compassion.org

________________________________________

5. Integrating Fierceness and Tenderness for Sustainable Eating Disorder Recovery

To truly recover, one without the other is incomplete:

• Fierceness without tenderness becomes punishment.
• Tenderness without fierceness becomes avoidance.

Integration involves:

• Learning to discern which energy is needed when
• Being flexible, self-aware, and respectful of your limits
• In everyday practice, using the mantra: "This is hard—and I can do hard things."

________________________________________

6. People-Pleasing in Recovery: Replacing Fear with Fierce and Tender Boundaries

People-pleasing is not kindness. In fact, it's often a trauma-driven survival strategy.

Rooted in the fawn trauma response, people-pleasing may show up as:

• Overextending to avoid conflict show up as
• Losing your identity in service to others

In these cases, confusing compliance with connection becomes a way of life. Therefore, this distinction matters. Tenderness is not people-pleasing. Real tenderness doesn't erase your boundaries—it protects them.

Related Insight: Janina Fisher, Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors – https://www.routledge.com/Healing-the-Fragmented-Selves-of-Trauma-Survivors/Fisher/p/book/9780415708235

 

7. When Fierceness Rises in Eating Disorder Recovery

At some point in recovery, internal limits are reached. When that moment comes, a quiet or explosive shift happens:

Examples include:

• Leaving a toxic job.
• Saying no without apology.
• Walking away from a one-sided relationship.
• Recognizing sabotage and refusing to accept it.
• Being able to walk away when necessary.

You may not know why, but you know you can't keep going as you were. This is not rebellion—it's emergence.

 

8. Navigating Pushback: Fierceness, Tenderness, and Identity Shifts in Recovery

Inevitably, others may resist your shift.

Some common reactions include:

• "You've changed."
• "You're selfish now."
• "You're not who I thought you were."

In truth, they may never have imagined you had boundaries—or dreams of your own.

Remember: their confusion does not make your fierceness wrong. It makes it necessary.

 

9. Recovery Tools: Cultivating Fierceness and Tenderness in Healing

To develop these qualities, consider these simple but powerful practices.

To Embody Fierceness, try developing these habits:

• Fierce Stance: Push hands into a wall and affirm, "I will not abandon myself."
• Boundary Journal: Record each moment you honored or betrayed a limit.

When Cultivating Tenderness, you might begin with:

• Compassion Break (Neff): "This is a moment of suffering. May I be kind to myself."
• Letter to Younger Self: Acknowledge and validate past pain with kindness.

 

10. Reclaiming the Self: Becoming Fierce and Tender in Eating Disorder Recovery

Above all, you are not here to support others' dreams at the expense of your own.

It is not wrong to need boundaries. You are not broken for needing them.. You are not hard or cold or uncaring for saying no.

In truth, you are reclaiming the right to be whole.

FAQ

Q: Isn't fierceness just a form of anger? A: No. Fierceness is protective energy, not reactive aggression. It's grounded in values, not vengeance.

Q: I feel guilty when I set boundaries—is that normal? A: Yes. Guilt often accompanies healing when you challenge internalized beliefs that prioritizing yourself is wrong.

Q: What if I don't feel fierce or tender? A: Numbness is a typical trauma response. With time, safety, and support, access to both energies returns.

Q: Can people-pleasing be a healthy behavior? A: Empathy and kindness are healthy. People-pleasing driven by fear, shame, or a need to earn love is not.

Q: Where can I learn more about this?  contact Joanna Poppink, MFT; This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. for free consultation

• The Eating Disorder Recovery Podcast – https://recoverywarriors.com/podcast/
• Trauma Rewired Podcast – https://neurobiologyoftrauma.com
• On Being with Krista Tippett (especially episodes on self-compassion) – https://onbeing.org

For articles related to this topic on Joanna's site see:

• Self-Compassion and Emotional Healing

  • Self-Care Eating Disorder Recovery Plan and Q & A
    https://www.eatingdisorderrecovery.net/self-care-eating-disorder-recovery-plan-and-q-a

  • Self-Compassion: The Antidote to Emotional Overeating
    https://www.eatingdisorderrecovery.net/holidays-and-special-occasions/self-compassion-the-antidote-to-emotional-overeating

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  🔹 Trauma and Recovery

  • Reclaim Inner Freedom: How Authoritarian Systems and Trauma Limit You
    https://www.eatingdisorderrecovery.net/psychotherapy-and-recovery-work/reclaim-inner-freedom-how-authoritarian-systems-and-trauma-limit-you

  • Power vs. Control: A Life-Changing Distinction for Healing and Survival
    https://www.eatingdisorderrecovery.net/psychotherapy-and-recovery-work/power-vs-control-a-life-changing-distinction-for-healing-and-survival

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  🔹 Boundaries and Identity in Recovery

  • Reflections on Eating Disorder Recovery: Development and Narcissistic Abuse
    https://www.eatingdisorderrecovery.net/psychotherapy-and-recovery-work/reflections-on-eating-disorder-recovery-development-and-narcissistic-abuse-2

  • Getting Through Obstacles to Eating Disorder Recovery
    https://www.eatingdisorderrecovery.net/psychotherapy-and-recovery-work/getting-through-obstacles-to-eating-disorder-recovery

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  🔹 Psychotherapy and Personal Growth

  • Love in Psychotherapy is the Heart of Healing and Growth
    https://www.eatingdisorderrecovery.net/psychotherapy-and-recovery-work/why-love-is-the-heart-of-effective-psychotherapy

  • Psychotherapy Benefits: Psychotherapy and Transformation at Any Age
    https://www.eatingdisorderrecovery.net/cultivating-resilience/psychotherapy-and-transformation

Joanna Poppink, MFT, licensed in CA, OR, FL, AZ; private practice psychotherapy. For free consultation, contact her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..

For a free telephone consultation, e-mail her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.