Separation

I struggle so much with separation. I can remember struggling with it in high school when my good friends who were seniors left. I remember after college when my best friend and I had to separate. All very traumatic. I've always had this feeling of terror with separation. I wonder if I always will.

My eating disorder came into it's glory during a time when my relationship with my long time T was not working and I was sure she was going to fire me. When I left her and went to my new T, I started having a terrible time w/the 10 minutes before the end of every session. That was a year and a half ago. I still struggle with those last ten minutes. I even kind of do anticipatory grieving of the goodbye even before the hello. I rarely restrict or skip these days but when it does happen it's almost always after seeing T. There is something about the parting that gets to me even though I know I can call, email, probably even make an appointment the next day if I wanted to. It would be nice not to feel that terror or feeling that something really bad is happening.

The structure in my life right now is mostly around work and appts with my team. With work, I feel like I have to please -- so it's not really a safe place where I can be myself and I won't be "left". Last week two of my colleagues' positions were eliminated and they were forced to leave w/out saying goodbye. It really shook me. I am lucky to have good insurance right now so I can see all my providers. I do feel like it's conditional though.

I can see how building in other kinds of regular support and activities that are not so conditional or treatment related would give me more of a feeling of stability.