PTC, you are asking the great questions.  The challenge is not to answer them too fast.  Let one question lead to another.  That's the way you go deeper toward questions you can't even ask yet.

Is it my heart"
Is it my mind?
Is it my body?
Is it my eating disorder?
Is it my fear?
Is it my healthy life force?
Is it my fantasy wish?
Is it my heartfelt wish?
Is it a mindless impulse?
Is it an impulse from my heart that is breaking through barriers?

Just keep asking your questions.  Write them in your journal.  See where they lead.

Great questions, PTC!