"there was that moment just before you begin to eat it which was better than when you were"...those are my AH HA moments. Those all too brief feelings of comfort and hope of better times when my eating disorder did not consume my life. They feel so good and I sit still and cling to them, because if I move they will fly away. Those moments when I didn't have a care in the world what I put into my mouth nor feel "self-eroding guilt and shame". I can connect past abuse to feelings of unworthiness as a teen, and later to feelings of discomfort and distrust in romantic relationships. I can connect my current restrictions to two badly ending relationships back to back recently which "must have been my fault" as I am not "worthy" "attractive" or "slim enough" for someone to actually want to be with me. So I think I know why I am lost in this eating disorder. Now I just need to learn to trust the recovery process because it takes away the wall I have up, designed to protect myself. But will I need to do the trauma work and put some closure to my past before the recovery process is possible? Or can they go hand in hand?