oh, wow. I just wrote the previous comme

oh, wow. I just wrote the previous comment yesterday. Twenty-four hours later I am sitting here feeling very scared and in a much different place. I am becoming quite overwhelmed by this direction I am wishing toward recovery. I swear, I really have made some great strides over the past week. I am not going to give up, but I am so scared to let this go. I am so scared to gain weight, to fail, to give up control of this aspect of my life. I have allowed myself to go easy and have not beaten myself up for this past week, where I had decided NOT to "diet". I am starting to feel out of control, like I could just as easily start eating too much. I am working out most days, but I have seen a few lbs creep on. I feel in panic mode. I feel I should not eat....i start to degrade myself, call myself names, tell myself that I am bad. I can't do this to myself..I have to get better...I feel such a great pull today...instead of "tomorrow is a new day for recovery", my thoughts are "tomorrow is a new day to get back on track with weight loss"...I know this isnt supposed to be easy. I wish I could just be ok with being me. I know I am not the fat person I used to see in the mirror...I have come some ways with body image distortion...but I am so scared that I will let myself "go" if I recover. I don't want to be scared of this. Oh me...why? I want recovery. That pull is so very strong. Why does it have to be so strong? I will get thru this, I know I will..why tonight? what is going on? what is so wrong with gaining a couple of lbs? really? does anyone even notice? but I know. "you can't do anything right", "I told you that you would cave", "watch what happens now. you will let your guard down. You will get hurt, you wont be watching". these are my journal thoughts...I am so scared to let go and just be. I know that i am just so scared to let my guard down. i don't want to be hurt ever again. My thoughts are very juvenile right now. I almost want to erase this. but i wont because its exactly what I am thinking and first and foremost I want to be honest with this process. tracy