I often allow myself to feel "special" because of my "self control" around food. I let myself become disgusted by looking at others who are seemingly out of control with food, (or perhaps just eating like a "normal" person should eat), and therefore I fuel my stamina to continue to restrict. It is a facade, because underneath, of course, is my disgust with myself. Lately, as I have restricted much less, but have increased my excercise, I find myself feeling "superior" to those who do not have the "self-discipline" to take care of their bodies by working out. This is not reality, however. Like you say, it's just a cover for my insecurities and wishing I could have "normal" feelings surrounding food and excercise. Of course, I don't REALLY feel special. I feel very un-special. If I really thought much of myself, I wouln't treat my mind and body as I do. Today I saw a couple in a hotel lobby. They looked so happy. As I often do, I caught myself comparing my body to her body. I found myself thinking that while she was not thin, she was very pretty and healthy looking. I caught myself thinking that I could never have anyone love me the way her boyfriend appeared to adore her. Things like this are triggering events for me. Relationships in general, watching other people seem so happy and in love...I don't understand how people genuinely love one another..I don't believe they can. I know for sure that I could not accept this from someone because I don't feel that I am worth loving. I would love to be able to break down this fear, this wall. It's not about hating myself..it's more about feeling that I am totally insignificant and not worth someone'e time. I feel I would disappoint them. So..i guess to keep going, I have to have something built up in my mind that puts me on even playing ground with the rest of society...so..if I can't be loved, then atleast i have self control. so there. (the "so there" is added for emphasis of how I feel toward the rest of the happy, in love world). tracy