I know :/

thank you, Joanna. Yes, I know what to do..I will get my book out. It's easily found because I look at it often. It's not like I haven't been hurt by words before, just this time the "thump" was almost audible. It really shook me. My head tells me that purging is wrong but maybe if I just don't eat too much, then I'm not sick. I woke up today with the lump in my stomach I fell asleep with. 

I know what I need to do. I hope this bad feeling goes away soon. I love my girls, we have fun plans this summer, and I have no time for relapse.

something JUST occurred to me. My therapist is going on vacation Monday for three weeks. I usually see her weekly and we may email once a week on occasion. Perfect storm time as we are getting places in therapy. I do feel abandoned (of course I know she deserves a vacation), but I just realized something.
i purge when I'm angry and I starve when I'm scared and need control. I seriously just connected this.

so I guess I need to work through this. She'll be back. I was left "hanging" after a well needed and strong session on my abuse.  ok.  Makes sense.