I keep coming back to this blog, almost

I keep coming back to this blog, almost afaid to respond because I believe I'm on the edge of a couple slippery slopes. The first one is the idea of "normal eating." I've been doing some reading on the subject and my struggle is that I'd love to "listen to my body" and eat intuitively, but my wise mind knows that could just be a label or cover-up for my desires to restrict. I'm sure the concept of intuitive eating is a good one....but maybe farther down the road when my body's voice is louder then Ed's; it's just so hard to be patient when you so badly want to be "normal." My other slippery slope has to do dealing with something very painful right now. I've been dealing with the pain by focusing on how good life has been with recovery but now I'm thinking I'm only ignoring the feelings and pain I'm thinking I might be numbing out feelings with recovery? is that possible? And if it is, ED's telling me that it's no better then numbing out by restricting so who am I'm fooling. Ed is also telling me that no one would judge me if I relapsed now with what is going on; kind of justifying a little ED behavior, just to make it through this pain. My wise mind knows I won't stop at "just a little to make it through," but the slippery slope question is: isn't numbing out, numbing out no matter how it's done?