Dear Kym, You are in a courageous struggle. Thank you again for writing here. You may have reached a developmental stage in your recovery where you are ready and need to shift to a different way of thinking. Your old way worked for you. Now you are going deeper and need to rely on a different kind of self perception and view of recovery. If you believe you might be numbing out feelings with recovery you need to redefine an outmoded view of what recovery is. Recovery is not feeling good. Recovery is being fully the woman you are and capable of feeling good and bad. Recovery means that you are developing a stronger and more reliable internal structure so you can bear what you couldn't bear before whether it be feelings, self knowledge or information about someone else. You seem to be at a time of crisis. Please don't be afraid of your fear. Many such times occur throughout eating disorder recovery. You are only feeling this now because you've gotten strong enough and healthy enough to feel what you couldn't feel before. Maybe you also know something that you couldn't bear to know before. Or maybe you are on the verge of knowing something. Please know that anything you may remember you already survived Anything that you look at now that you never looked at before has been here and didn't destroy you. You may be feeling something that is appropriate for what you experienced in the past but couldn't feel then. You weren't strong enough. Now you are. Use your support systems. Journal. Write down your dreams. Hang on. You will learn something important. You will move beyond this place by going through it. This is part of your journey, and it will make you wise and free.