grieving

So very sorry to hear of the losses above. Losses are difficult.   When the loss is a death, this is particularly hard to accept and understand. You really do learn who is there for you, and, you learn how to be there for others.

When I was really down and out with my back I needed help. I got help, but not always from whom it was expected. I did learn through the process, how good it felt to be thought of and remembered, and cared about. I can say, that since then, I have made it a point to take meals or at least, email friends and acquaintances when I find out they are not doing well.  This process is healing for everyone involved. In fact, I think I get more out of giving then receiving.

One problem I do have, however, is not asking for help in the beginning. I tend to wait until things are really bad before I will ask that anyone "put themselves out" for me.  Like I am not worth helping.

It has been a really hot and humid week for those of us on the East Coast. Numerous people have died from the heat. The heat index is in the triple digits and it's almost impossible to be outside longer than to just get to your car and into a building. Being at the pool is pretty bad, if that tells you anything. This being said, I was "taking care" of myself by drinking lots and lots of water earlier this week.  I forgot that what goes in, must come out, and that what comes out must be replaced ie, minerals, vitamins, etc.

I found myself quite dehydrated by mid week. I was waking with muscle cramps from my hips to my toes. I have since been to the doctor who did some blood work and recommended a regiment for getting my electrolytes back on track. (I had to convince him -and others- that I was not throwing up or using diuretics), nonetheless, I am on the mend.  However, the cramps have left me with very, very sore calf muscles. I had to call out of work today because it is hard to walk.

During this most recent process of pain, I found myself fantasizing about someone taking care of me.  "don't get up, let me help you...you are in pain...let me take care of the kids...let me get your dinner, let me fluff your pillows..."  This makes me laugh because it will never happen. But then I wonder if I would even let it happen. I am so used to taking care of myself -from a very young age- that I get embarrassed and uncomfortable asking for help.

My point here, finally - lol - is that I need to learn to let others help me.  The ones that will, the ones that want to. I think that I have been my own worst enemy at times with subconsciously pushing help away. I don't always have to say I don't want help, sometimes it's written all over my being. Then I get mad for not getting help.  Most of my friends have told me that the thing they admire most about me is my "fierce independence"....that's quite odd to me, as I feel anything but.  Funny how we can emit vibes contrary to how we really feel on the inside. 

Tracy