All types of pain

I'm glad you are on the mend Joanna. I checked back often because even though I have only been here a short time, it has been valuable time for me.

I'm learning about pain daily it seems whether it is physical, mental or spiritual pain. The pain caused by others and pain caused by myself. I'm learning about what you can endure, what you can overcome and what you can forgive.

When my son died, I learned that most people think that you are so overwhelmed with grief that you won't notice their absence. This is not true. You are overwhelmed, but you notice every detail. I noticed the light and love in the eyes of some of the nurses. I noticed who sat with me in my pain. I noticed who was at the funeral and who was not. I remember who sent cards and thanked them personally. I know who showed up for me. I know who didn't. I forgive them, but I don't need them in my life. I let some close friends go during my time of grief. Sometimes I miss them, but most of the time I do not. I suppose some people would like to put a limit on your feelings or pain. My pain made me think of all the times that I was unaware or said something insensitive to someone in some type of pain. I hope I don't make that mistake again.

Physical pain forces me to be in my body, something I struggle with. Something I still try to avoid with food or other mind numbing distractions. I should want to change that more than I want to stay the same.

When I avoid something because I don't want to feel, I make the situation worse, I make it harder to endure and harder to overcome. I make it hard for the people around me. It snowballs out of control. I created some big problems for myself that I am having to endure and fix. It has been hard for me emotionally and physically. I haven't taken care of myself during the process, letting old habits take over to reduce the pain. The pain won't reduce.

I'm trying my best and I am working hard at fixing the most pressing problem, but I have a friend who would like to punish me for it, repeatedly, by condemning me or shaming me. I don't know why this person is doing this. My problem is making me confront all of my painful feelings and shortcomings, but I have to accept that this is the way it is. I haven't done anything horrible. I just created a time consuming project for myself that leaves all other responsibilities waiting. I have to change, because in reality, I might be doing better, but I'm not doing well. There's plenty of room for improvement. 

The thing is, I need help. I don't mean professionally, I go to therapy as I should. I need help with all of the day to day pieces that I can't manage. That I pretend I am managing. When I tell someone that I am overwhelmed and I need help, like my husband, his reaction isn't supportive, its more blame. How do I decrease the problem when everything needs attention and I am so overwhelmed? Why are people giving me such a hard time when they see how hard I am working? Why am I doing that to myself?

What was the question again? lol