I didn't do so well today at therapy.  I wanted to talk, to share, to express myself better than I did.  My goal today was to start talking about how my past abuse has impacted my ability to be in relationships, or to enjoy intimacy with a partner.  I tried. I found myself able to say that I am angry because it seems everyone around me is partnered and seems so happy with their little families.  I told her that I feel so different from everyone.  But then I started to lose my sense of control.  I felt angry. I felt like I have before in situations like this...I felt like i wanted to hurl something at her window and break it....I felt like I was going to explode. Halfway into the session I told her that I was done, ready to leave the session...I repeated that I hate myself over and over and over...I felt so overwhelmed.  But I stayed.  I didn't get as foggy as I normally do, and that's good. I don't remember half of what she said to me, though...so I am not sure what I took from the session. I hope I am not wasting my time. I feel like I need to come up with another way to do this.  I don't think reading journal notes will happen...I would not be able to sit there and read something that is so traumatic...I would chicken out.  I thought perhaps I would email her the night before our next session, so that she could have it in front of her and it's "out there", even if I can't talk, or if I get stuck...how does that sound?  I know I am much better able to express myself on here.  Of course, I am not sitting in the room with my therapist face to face...I feel less able to express myself in that situation...I guess going back to the shame thing...I am upset with myself for how I handled the session today.  I usually go every week, but have decided to wait two weeks.  I was exhausted after today.  I just hope I can get this going...I would love to get some of this off me...for good...