Your back, I'm back

I missed you so much while you were "gone" from the blog.  I am glad to have you back in our presence. 

I have been reading the recent blogs, just kind of hanging in the background. Not really feeling the motivation to write.  I am glad to see that you are in a place of serenity, and that you have been able to turn a rather heart wrenching and physically painful year into wonderful growth and insight.  It's heartwarming to know that we all have room to grow. 

  I stumbled upon this most recent blog entry this morning.  

I was able to only make it about a fifth of the way through before stopping the first time.  I began to travel to the room with my own therapist and I felt disconnected.  I know this is because I am struggling in therapy right now.  I am checking out before I even walk into the room.

 It's not so much my eating disorder as it is the sexual abuse history stuff we are working on.  I have to give myself some credit. I have come a long way since taking a leave of absence from work in April to meet more frequently with my therapist and to start EMDR therapy.  I have had "interruptions" in my train of thought as several physical issues have been present with me and have been a great distraction for my emotional pain. 

I can talk about my abuse in much greater detail than I have ever been able to do in all the years of therapy. 

Lately, however, I have been very stuck like I said.  When I got toward the end of your interview and the topic of childhood sexual abuse came up, I had a very hard time.  I forced myself to continue to leave the interview on, but my mind and body flashed back to those horrible years of abuse by my grandfather.  Yes, being abused by a family member is different than being sexually abused by a stranger. 

It was very powerful to hear you talk about splitting.  I had to do that.  I think because I didn't want to hurt my mother.  I didn't want her to know what her father was doing to me.  I cried very quietly while listening to you talk.  I then realized how hard I was breathing and realized that I was experiencing the exact same behavior as when I was with my grandfather. I had to be quiet then....I had to sob quietly as not to wake my grandmother.  (they slept in different rooms).

Tonight I sobbed quietly so I wouldn't wake up my children....Keeping quiet in different ways.  I have still never disclosed this abuse to my mother.  I imagine she knows.  I am sure she experienced the same. 

My eating disorder is in a strange place right now.  I don't weigh daily. I don't experience guilt when I eat. I am doing a lot of comfort eating - sweets mostly.  My weight is stable because I go some days with a very poor appetite which I connect to my pain issues.  My doctor believes that I am experiencing "extraneous" physical pain because I am using the part of my brain that would ordinarily help with pain gating by dissociating from my emotional pain.  If that makes sense.  (I'm trying to understand this myself). 

We are agreeing to disagree about the fact that I am on pain medication, something that she is strongly opposed to for treating long term chronic pain.   Perhaps I wandered from the blog topic, but it really does connect because of the thoughts and feelings it invoked within me. 

I am not upset.  I could have turned it off a second time.  But I am trying to force myself to get through my tough feelings without turning my brain off.  My brain only half turned off while listening to you, so that is a win.  

sorry I didn't separate my paragraphs better..I am struggling with a testy computer that has caused me to re-write this twice already. :)  

again, I am so glad to be reading your blogs again.  I can see the change within you. It's a peaceful, soul cleansing type of read I get on you.  Thanks so much for sharing your story like you did.  It is comforting and gives hope that I can recover as well.