This too.

I think this is where I am. I connected with the threshold post too. I've been thinking about where I am in recovery and about how I have been stuck. I am frustrated and tired of the same thinking patterns and behaviors. I'm ready to move on. On average, I am doing better. I don't binge as often as I once did, which was an all day event and I try to think about what I am doing. I still internalize everything, but I'm better at weeding out what is mine and what belongs to someone else. I am better at taking care of myself. 

Next month is the five year anniversary of my son's death. Five years seems like a long time to be stuck anywhere. My husband and I have been stuck in a painful dimension, trying to find our way out, trying to survive each day so that we could each come home. It worked for a time, but it doesn't work anymore. It makes me unhappy to be disconnected from myself, my body. In all honesty, I don't really know how to fix it because the desire to leave is stronger than facing all I need to do to stay present. However, I have important things to do at home. I have to be there for my kids. I've talked with my husband about this. Grief has given us some bad habits, they might be comfortable, but they aren't productive. We don't want to go anywhere or do anything. We are stuck, but I have motivation to get us out now. That's a positive.

I'm having a hysterectomy next week. It's necessary. It's the end of a part of me that has caused me great pain. I wonder what it will be like without all of those parts. I wonder if I will feel free or different. I will have some time off of work as a result and I keep thinking about the rest, but also about what I could do during those weeks to start my life on another course. I bought a personal retreat book. I've imagined using the treadmill once I am able. I've thought about visiting my oldest daughter in California. I know that I can do this.                              

Thanks Joanna. Happy New Year to all!