thanks for hanging in there with me guys :) several days into my med changes and I feel a bit better. Somewhat slowed down, less anxious, and better able to concentrate. I have to admit my HHH had begun to collect dust over the past two weeks because I couldn't focus or process anything for any good length of time. I want to share a very meaningful part for me of the chapter on secrets. "Shame, guilt, and fear stop you from recognizing your ability to discover your strength, resiliency, stamina, courage, and determination. If you recognize these qualities in yourself and had access to them, you could expose your secrets and challenge the system that limits your life...your eating disorder is part of that system." I often do not trust in my ability to have the strength and determination to get through this part of my life. Laura, I too, often feel "crummy" and that there is little joy in my life. I think I am too scared to feel good. It is safer to just hang back in the shadows with my eating disorder so no one can trick me into exposing my vulnerabilities. It hurts to feel "crummy", but it hurts more to deal with the issues. I guess sitting with our feelings is not a strong thing for us. It feels soooo uncomfortable. I guess it's necessary. I guess it gets easier as you do it..and as you journal your thoughts in the process. and you should see my journal....it only makes sense to me at times..seemingly disconnected thoughts, fragmented sentences, words and thoughts crammed into the margins, arrows and underlines. Looks like a roadmap....but..perhaps it kind of IS a roadmap....never thought of it like that..hmmmm tracy tracy