Thank you Joanna. I am so thankful for you.
Shh, I think you are amazing and I wish that I lived next door to you so that we could be friends. I think your desire for solitude is coming to the surface because you need that quiet space. Not so much to isolate, but to grow into your new self. You have a new life. You might be finding that some old "stuff" doesn't fit you anymore. You have to figure out what you want and what you don't want. You have to give yourself permission, to let go of what isn't you. I've never seen you, and I don't really know you, but I'm pretty certain that you radiate love and beauty because of your soul. You could only be beautiful. Try to see yourself the way God sees you.
That being said, I am not qualified to give advice, but I like to give out hugs in the form of advice when I can. ;)
Solitude for me is a comforting place. On some level, I like being alone. I don't have to answer to anyone and I am free to roam around in my head. I'm a thinker, a dreamer. I have to remind myself that I have other abilities. I need to balance all that thinking with some action. If I could do a little of both, I would feel more connected to my life.
I internalize the comments of others, I wonder why they can't see me, but their lack of vision, heart and imagination has everything to do with them and nothing to do with me. I've been judged for my weight. Most people can't get past it --why a woman with a pretty face would choose to be overweight is beyond their comprehension. I've listened to the commentary about the flaws in my character, my sinful nature.-- The well meaning concern of people who don't believe I have an eating disorder. It makes me angry that weight should be so important, so limiting to my relationships with others. Yes, they have a problem with me. I have a problem with them. I have a problem with me. I'm the only one who can fix all of it and it is overwhelming at times, but 2014 is going to be a positive year. A year to show up and change what I can, little by little.
I fluctuate between believing I can recover and believing that it is too hard to deal with my world as it is without the disconnect. I think it's a comfort, a way to detatch, but underneath that, I know that it is a form of punishment for me. I must stop punishing myself for my imperfections, mistakes and the negative opinions of others (real and imagined). I have to stop disconnecting from who I am. Who I am is just fine. I have to walk with my beauty and see myself the way God sees me.
Solitude is a better word.
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