So I'm rereading this blog after a couple months and seeing something totally different this time (you've warned me about that!! ). You speak of recovery as not needing my ED to handle stress. Last night I was struggling with losing my ED idenity. I've heard many people and have thought myself, that my ED makes me special, but last night I felt for the first time that it's not that I fear the lose of "specialness" but rather I'm scared of having to really be human. Healthy humans handle their feelings and know how to take care of themselves in stressful times and last night that seemed so far out of my reach! I cried myself to sleep and wondered if healthy humans cry themselves to sleep!? ED gives me the ability to numb my feelings and an excuse for my failures; But with recovery I'm expected to be self-sufficiant and able to handle life. That scares the hell out of me right now. I've some really bad things happening at work right now and although on the outside I've been able to hold it together, I feel like the broken and weak Kym who relapses during times like this. I haven't yet, but it's shown me that being Human can really suck!!!!