I will be seeing my therapist tomorrow. It is interesting that you posted this blog today, as I was thinking about tomorrow.  The past couple of months have been horrible.  I have had tremendous depression and anxiety.  Finally, after several med changes,  things are heading in the right direction. (praise God!)...

That being said, I don't think we will need to spend the session talking about medications, depression, anxiety or how suicidal I feel.  I think the pink elephant will be in the room...the pink elephant of my abuse and how it has impacted so many areas of my life.  I would love to be able to find a way to talk to my therapist without going numb or zoning out.  I didn't know it was shame...but I do feel embarrassed and guilty...so I would guess that is shame...just never put it in those words to myself. 

I do spend an enormous part of my life feeling less than others.  I don't feel equal to, or deserving of, a relationship that is healthy. I want this so very bad.  Not for the sake of being in a relationship, but knowing that I CAN trust someone and give to them completely and without hangups. 

I feel tremendous shame in relationships, or even about thinking about being in a relationship. I feel that people can see right through me and see the dirt and all the broken pieces.  I feel shame...who would want me?  I am a mess...is what I think...

I need to find a way to start talking to my therapist about this tomorrow...I don't want to sit in the chair and fidget and stare out the window...I want to make use of this time. I want to move foward...