making sense of it all

Today I've seen several articles about how to talk to your children after this event, and Tuesdays event at the shopping mall here in Portland and I've realized some things tonight.  

First I realized how hard it is to feel safe when you can't make sense of it.  As an adult I can put my knowledge of satistics to work and add to my level of safety (although Tuesday's event was close to home and my middle daughter was on her way there when something told her it wasn't a good time to go), but a child doesn't get that. 

Second thing I realized tonight was that I've heard many timesthat when a child can't make sense of it, they tend to blame themself, and this weeks events have me thinking about my childhood events of sexual abuse.  At a candle light ceremoy tonight I re-lived my past confusion in trying to make sense of it; my tears went from just the children killed today to all the children, including little Kimmie, who have felt that confusion and fear of the world being an unsafe place.  

As badly as I as an adult want to know why and how this week's events occured so I can make the world safe for all the children in my life, I can begin to tap into the even greater need for a child who feels much less in control of their enviorment, must be feeling.  I have a new greater understanding of what little Kimmie must have been feeling during those times of abuse.  

Having this awareness tonight I think I'm feeling more compassion towards myself and I better understand why I felt the need to do self-distructive behaviors (such as my ED) to try to gain some control over those feelings.

Tonight I decided to take many of things Joanna and others have suggested for children and apply them to myself.  Before going to the candle light ceremony I went to visit the town's holiday tree and watched the children going to see Santa.  I also listened to wonderful music some teenagers were playing on the corner (looked they belonged to a school band) to make money.  I gave money  to them in hopes that they would feel a better connection to their community (adults caring for them).  I have to wonder if this week's young shooters' lives would have been different if they felt a better connection.  

I'm not sure if my words make sense, but I felt I had to try to express myself.  It's been a very hard week!  If you young children in your care, please sow them extra love and protect them!!