I guess patience is key
- Category: Unsorted Comments
I have been in a pretty strange place lately. I was really angry with some other people about some things that led me to stop communicating on this site for a while...I have been angry with myself for somethings I wont go into right now. I have not been very productive in therapy for several sessions. And now, I am binging and purging again...an activity that I had stopped for so long. I catch myself remembering how awful I felt before when I was engaging in such behavior. How much time and secrecy it took...how much shame is involved. I look back over the past year to see how my behaviors slipped from restricting to my current behaviors. I am not allowing myself to feel the emotions that are behind the actions, I guess. I often don't get to the "where am I now question", because I am so busy defeating myself with negative thoughts and actions, familiar places, if you will. I know that I have been avoiding talking about my abuse in therapy because I feel that I should just let it go. That perhaps it shouldnt affect me anymore. i am ashamed that it still affects me. my mind says "get over it already". My heart is ripping at the same time. I am afraid to keep talking about my abuse to my therapist. I keep thinking that maybe she doesnt want to hear about it anymore. (although, when I really think about how little i do talk about it, she would probably pounce on the opportunity). I am afraid to tell her that i am purging again. I am also abusing diet pills. I am afraid she will take away my anxiety medication..she has hinted that she would not give me something for anxiety when I am "knowingly" taking something that increases my anxiety. but i feel desperate. anyway, I am not trying to be negative and perhaps I have said too much and/or spoke of things I should not talk about. i know I am in an acting out mode. I have been in one for over a month now. I guess i need to figure out how to reign myself in and how to find this awareness (and stay with it).