Hi Joanna, it's Kym again. Sorry, but I

Hi Joanna, it's Kym again. Sorry, but I was drawn to this post again and I can't quite grasp what you're saying. I recently started restricting again and I've been able to identify the triggers. I understand when you say we reach for what filled the “blank” before....it's what I know. What I don't understand is the idea of “moved your life beyond your development.” I also don't think I understand exactly what “psychological strength and resilience” looks like. I have already discovered some things about myself these last few days.....things I'm not sure I would have come to understand if I hadn't messed up. Is that what you mean by moving beyond? Is it moving beyond what you currently know? I've come to recognize that I put all my daily behaviors into “good” or “bad” categories and then I judge myself as a person based on the behaviors I'm using. My old church use to tell me if I was good or bad, but I didn't realize that since leaving that church, I've carried on my own persecution. I've also prescribed my recovery as good only if it follows very strict “good behavior guidelines”; any faltering is seen as failing. Members of my support group can announce that they've purged __ number of times and seem at peace! I 'd get mad at them but then I've came to realize that I'm angry at myself for not being able to do that! I can't just let my recovery “be” what it's going to be.....to give myself permission to mess up and not feel like a failure. So last week I woke up one day and realized I had forgotten to drink a milk exchange the night before. In my mind, I blew it....no more counting days of “perfect” recovery (I do black and white thinking very well!!). I started restricting like crazy and the thing I've noticed is that when I'm not telling myself what a failure I am, I am actually enjoying being "bad"!!! I've been the good girl all my life (I was even in the convent for awhile!) and I am enjoying being deviant! I know I can't keep this up, but I have given myself permission to feel what "bad" feels like without judgment. I'm doing my best to not see myself as good or bad, but just as someone who has “fallen forward” and is learning something from it. I also want to explore being “deviant” in other ways.....at the grocery store today, I left the shopping cart in my parking spot!!! Anyway, I have an appointment with my counselor Monday and I'm sure I'll get myself back on the right track (see, again, I've labeled my current behaviors as the wrong track! Grrrr). I was just drawn to this post and wanted to make sure I was getting what you are saying as it seems so fitting in my life right now. Thanks Kym