Give someone an inch and they take a yard...as they say!
I thought things had finally started to come right with my mother.
I realised that I have a core belief now, that I am an okay person, I am good enough, and it's seems quite firmly in place ...and I knew that re-engaging with my mother in any way, would be a test of that, of just how much I really believed it, or just how firmly in place and an integral part of me those beliefs are.
And I discovered that, yes, she's challenging, and often not nice to be around, but there is value for both of us in my being able to be around her enough for her to know that I do care about her, and for me to see that she also cares about me in her own kind of way too.
And I know now that no matter what she does or says thesedays, it will not break my belief that I'm a worthwhile person, and that my thoughts and beliefs about myself as a by no means perfect, but essentially good person, who has value and worth, are okay for me to have.
Her house move is progressing well, she's found a new home, close to her sister, but in the last week or so, I can sense her pushing me for more and more... the phonecalls are becoming daily, and she wants to know the details of my life so that she can give me the benefit of her advice one day, and then call me the next day to see if I've done as she suggested. Yesterday I had her and my auntie asking me if I would consider moving house too. They phrased it as would I like to/consider moving back to my home town, which as a town, offers things that this one doesn't, but there are pros & cons of both... so I didn't say no, I said 'possibly'...but what I realise from the phonecall today is that, that 'possibly' that answered in relation to my life and the things I need/want in my life, without any thought for my relationships with my mum and my auntie, seem to have taken by my mum as a positive sign that I want a more involved relationship.
And so I need to pull things back a bit.
I moved here to get away from her, because I needed that physical distance, to guarantee me some personal and emotional space, and yes she followed me here...and now she's gone back, but if I went back, I'd be going back there, knowing that I can maintain that emotional distance and sense of separate self now, without needing the physical distance to do that. Whereas she sees my willingness to move back as a willingness to become re-enmeshed with her.
And so I need to figure out how to deal with that...maybe buying a phone with a caller ID display so that I can actively choose when to answer it and speak with her (not the daily interrogation) would be a start?
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