Writing about feelings and pain is much more difficult than writing about ways to cope.  Listening to my pain and learning lessons from and through pain can also be daunting when I am always running from the feelings.

When I was recently left immobile for several weeks due to a herniated disk in my back, I had a lot of time to be still and "listen".  My eating habits were more pronounced because I was acutely aware that whatever I ate would not be burned off as easily as when I can get around.  Despite the knowledge that I should make better decisions about what I was eating, I found myself with a 20 lb weight gain in 3 months.  

I had a lot of time to sit with various feelings, both past and present. Some of my most pressing feelings are those of insecurity, fear, self-loathing and regret. The weight gain didn't help any of these.

I have constant chatter in my head telling me that I'm not as good as other people, that in fact, I am much less than. I constantly feel self hatred because I feel that I have no self control in regards to my eating and fear that dieting will lead to severe restricting. I have been all over the place with my weight. While I was laying on the couch hurting physically, I was feeling regret over how fat I was getting and how sad I was because I couldn't get to the gym, even if I wanted to.

I have had to face feelings of letting my kids down. The back pain and the weight gain have gotten me so sluggish that I don't want to do anything adventurous. We have season tickets to a theme park and have yet to go. I feel like a bad mom. I feel fat, so I don't take them to the pool. I feel like a bad mom. I am uncomfortable in the church auditorium seats, so we don't go to church. I feel like a bad mom. I feel too embarrassed to let the people at the gym see how much weight I've gained, so we don't go to the gym. I feel like a bad mom.

I could go on and on. I feel like I have recently turned a small corner, however.  Like you, Shh, I can relate to the tired body, sore knees, etc. The horrid heat and humidity on the east coast has made my joints ache. My feet are sore and my ankles are swollen.

I am finally listening to the pain. I am cutting back on the junk food and trying to eat more healthy. I know that I will feel better if I get some of this weight off.  So I am working on it. I don't want to talk numbers here, but I have lost a few and heading in the right (healthy) direction.