Everytime I open this site this chapter excerpt is right there to the right and I can't help but see glimpses of what you have written. I had found myself from the beginning of your post, hurredly getting past this screen or scrolling down, or whatnot, to avoid the potentially triggering information. Having done this for close to a week has begun to enable me to build some courage to actually read all of what you have written. I know that for me, the subject of sex brings up strong feelings. Sex has never been something I enjoy. In fact, I cannot recall a time when I wasn't drunk or chemically impaired when I did have sex. I haven't had sex in years, because I rarely drink, and do not use drugs any longer. I avoid dating, because I imagine in my abused child head, that sex is the only reason a man would want to go out with me. I avoid going to the gynocologist because i do not like to be touched or looked at, or penetrated. It is too tramatic. I am too embarrassed to talk to my medical doctor about this, so I just rarely go. I know this is not healthy for me, and could lead to a life threatening situation if something is not caught early. When I was drunk or high, I could relate to many of the above situations. I found myself in "relationships" with no meaning, except that I was being used for sex. I cannot fathom being in a relationship without fear. I cannot imagine allowing myself to be loved for me. I don't even think it is possible that this happens for anyone. More than anything I want to find out that I am wrong about this. That all men aren't bad. But the more I put my toe in the water and think I may have found a decent guy, the more I find out that, again, all he wants is sex. I feel alone and I feel "different" than my friends. Not in a special way, but in an alone way. It is the cause of much of my depression. I don't feel that I have to be in a relationship, or married, to be a worthwhile person. But I also feel that because I don't have this, I am not deemed as worthy to have this. This whole issue drives my eating disorder, drives my feelings of self-loathing, and has at times been the precipitor of suicide attempts. It is just that strong and foundational to my whole being. It takes a lot of energy to pretend to be "normal". I just want, more than anything, to feel like I am just as worthy to be alive and on this earth, than the next person. Thanks for listening. Tracy