Dread

I'm new to this site, but I have been in the process of therapy/recovery (binge eating) for four years. I was interested in the topic of dread because I recall feeling this once in the car very distinctly as I was going to the airport to pick up a significant person in my life. Someone I love.

I could barely sit up in my seat while driving. I had to rest my head on the window. I  had to drag myself into the terminal. I felt that it was wrong to feel that way, but I couldn't remove the weight. What I found most interesting today was the list of behaviors related to supressed dread. I feel like this almost daily. I don't know why exactly, but I need to work through it. 

Since December, I have had to adopt dietary restrictions (protein, salt, potassium) related to a genetic kidney disease. I've never been a restricter, but I find that restricting is a blessing for me in regards to my behaviors.

However, it doesn't change my thoughts. It sort of forces me to manage what I put into my body, but as a result, I am more concious of my feelings that I must sit with until they pass. I sit with them. They sit with me. I can't move. I distract myself in the evenings, but I don't do the things I need or want to do. I just sit alone shutting everyone else out in my family.

For me, eating was a pathway to unconciousness which eventually became a form of punishment. I'm wondering if sitting/feeling/not moving is also a form of punishment so that I feel a sense of dread because dread is familiar and uncomfortable. I don't really know the answer yet.

My mental self, spiritual self and physical self have been living in separate compartments for years. I'm trying to learn how to be present in my body now. I don't really like being present, because my body has a habit of betraying me. However, it's my goal to integrate.

It's my goal to live, not just to exist. When I manage to do something that's positive for my health and recovery, I feel hopeful. I'm really glad I found this site. I just ordered your book. I look forward to learning more. Thank you so much for your commitment.  jmk5