anxiety reinforced

I was supposed to go out with some friends tonight. I even initiated the reunion. I have not seen these friends in about 10 years. This morning, at the 11th hour, I backed out by texting them that I have a sick child and could not make it.  the reality?? Dread.  Dread and anxiety of seeing people who I fear will look at me and see how bad I look. But I am relieved...so relieved that I am able to just tuck my head back into my shell and not exert the energy to deal with the challenge. I know this is not right, but I live my life with the slogan over my head that reads "AS SOON AS I FIX THIS, THEN I WILL DO 'THAT' "
this is a very frequent type of thing i do...in fact, my best friend, who was going to babysit for me, told me that she KNEW I was going to back out. I feel dissapointed in myself for letting my friends down, but I also feel relieved.