Somehow it's easier - not easy, but easier - to write about blatant secrets like affairs with married men than it is to write about little secrets like needing to chew 16 times before swallowing or hiding dirty dishes in the oven before guests arrive.
Of course, the main secret is about all the activities required to keep an eating disorder going. But I don't want this chapter to be a list of secrets.
The point of this chapter is to allow you to discover at least one secret you can claim as yours so you feel understood and can find a way to begin or go deeper your eating disorder recovery work.
Right now I'm wondering if the big dramatic secrets are less powerful than the myriad of little ones, or if secrets themselves are of equal value regardless of drama because they all erode your spirit, your energy and intensify the need you have for your eating disorder.
I'm also wondering about the impact of secrets in terms of their age. Do old secrets fade in their power or do they burrow into your soul undermining your sense of worth over time the same way the ground squirrels burrow into the side of our Palisades cliffs until the structure, your own psyche or the cliff walls, collapse.
I thought I finished this chapter. But my discerning editor asks questions for clarification. And when she is confused about what I am saying I know I have to get into the material again. Sometimes copy editing is about grammar and sentence structure. But tonight its about rethinking and rewriting.
What bothers you the most - your big secrets or your little ones - your new secrets or your very old secrets?