Yes, the benefits of losing friends become clear as you move into more health and personal power.
Benefits of Losing Friends
“Want to go to a bar tonight, drink and pick up guys?” She hasn’t gotten that invitation in a long time. She hasn’t gotten a call or seen that person for a long time.
When a person is seriously ill with her eating disorder, many people are attracted to her and maintain a relationship with her as she lives and responds in life with her eating disorder intact. They are attracted to the needy, people-pleasing, high-risk-taking person who rarely says no. She's fun. She doesn't show her secret pain. She goes along to get along.
Being in recovery and in harmony with her true self attracts more healthy relationships and sends a wave of user repellent into the crowd around her.
Some people are in your life because they admire your strivings toward being your best self and your eagerness to learn. Others who suffer from their disorders appreciate being with someone who shares their symptoms.
Benefits of Losing Friends as You Change in Recovery
When you are deep in your eating disorder, your friends and associates have a relationship with a sick person. When you start to get well:
- Your attitudes, choices, and responses change.
- You are more caring and respectful of yourself.
- You resist sacrificing your resources (time, money, skills, energy) because you no longer believe others are more important than you.
- You begin to use your resources to make your dreams come true, dreams you didn’t know you had because the eating disorder buried them.
- You no longer engage in high-risk behavior for thrills or because you are going along with everyone else and are numb to your fears.
- You feel.
- You regain your mind.
- You have opinions.
- You have a point of view.
- You matter to yourself.
- You say an authentic "No," where you used to give an unwilling "Yes."
These qualities repel friends looking for a good-time girl, a pal who will share risky adventures, or simply go along with the program without speaking up. They will reject you after they fail to get you back to your fun-loving and agreeable self. Please remember, they are not rejecting you. They are rejecting your health and your emerging authentic self. You are showing yourself as a real person. They are rejecting that, choosing instead someone who follows a lifestyle you no longer can tolerate. You can see the benefits of losing these friends.
Quality Friendships
You have people in your life who appreciate your growing, healing, searching for answers, and living the adventure that brings you more healthy development and advancements in your life.
These are the people who saw through your symptoms and grew to love the woman you really are. They cheer your recovery. They are happy to spend quality time with you. They enjoy the gift of you that you share with them. The benefits of losing some or many of your old friends include the wonderful pleasure of letting new people and substantial people into your life. You discover the joy and pleasure of being with friends who appreciate the real you.
Objections to Recovery
The people in your life who were attracted to you with your eating disorder symptoms and, for reasons of their own, are psychologically matched to you based on those symptoms. They may object to your change toward health in your life (especially your learning to set boundaries!) . They can be ruffled, disappointed and then angry. They may argue with you or ghost you.
If they can grow themselves and accept your healthy attitudes, then the relationships change and grow. If they cannot grow and adapt, if they need a relationship with a person who goes numb, who says yes, who sacrifices and feels guilty and responsible for other people's needs, who takes dangerous and unnecessary risks, then they will grow both resentful and bored. You receive benefits from losing friends like this.
If you do not return to how you were when you were ill so that the relationship is the same as it ever was, it will fall apart. If you are truly in recovery, you will not or cannot return to your illness to support people who require a self-sacrificing person to fulfill their needs. And you will love the people who enjoy your recovery and share in healthy development more than ever.
Getting Better
As you live your life with more health, as you drop the eating disorder life symptoms, people who are attracted to health will be attracted to you. New people who have their own solid self-esteem and are willing to be responsible for themselves will become visible to you as you become visible to them.
Invitations are more personal based on what you and the other person care about. In recovery and growing health, you have more choices and can have more satisfying relationships based on who you are now.
How have your relationships changed as you progress on your recovery path?
Resources:
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Marion Woodman Books: Addiction to Perfection and The Pregnant Virgin
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Dr. Anita Johnston's Eating in the Light of the Moon: T.
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Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach:
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Brené Brown Books: The Gifts of Imperfection and Daring Greatly
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Kristin Neff's Self-Compassion:
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Geneen Roth's Women, Food, and God:
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Pema Chödrön's When Things Fall Apart:
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Caroline Myss Book: Anatomy of the Spirit
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Byron Katie's Loving What Is:
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The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk:
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Roxane Gay's Hunger:
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Michelle May's Eat What You Love, Love What You Eat:
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Judith Orloff's The Empath's Survival Guide:
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Gabor Maté's In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts:
Please share your thoughts in the comment section below.
Written by Joanna Poppink, MFT. Joanna is a psychotherapist in private practice specializing in eating disorder recovery, stress, PTSD, and adult development.
She is licensed in CA, AZ, OR and FL. Author of the Book: Healing Your Hungry Heart: Recovering from Your Eating Disorder
Appointments are virtual.
For a free telephone consultation, e-mail her at
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