Swans mate for life. They are loyal in love and fierce when needed.
Why Love in Psychotherapy is the Heart of Healing and Growth
Love. We talk about it, yet how often do we truly understand it? "Love yourself," people say, but these words often feel hollow, impossible, or even like a cruel joke for those who have never truly experienced what love means. We are suspicious of the topic: love in psychotherapy, yet it's crucial for deep healing and life progress.
We are bombarded by gimmicks and shortcuts promising a quick path to love and self-discovery—mind-expanding retreats in the wilderness, weekend workshops with shamans, magic pills, and trending techniques. But love, the kind that transforms and heals, isn't something you can rush or conjure with a formula. Authentic love develops over time. It requires commitment and courage to face challenges, just as psychotherapy does.
The Illusion of Quick Fixes
The dreams and love trap of advertising and social media
We could drown in the constant rain of quick promises of relief and solutions to our problems including the promise of finding love via advertising and social media. We might become so saturated with colorful and carefully crafted sales messages that we try to find the best of the lot instead of recognizing that they are sales pitches designed to pul in money and that none are about personally caring for you.
The Shallow Nature of Promises
These might offer insight and relief, some giving you an aha moment. They may touch a yearned for desire. But love cannot grow in shallow promises. The seducer or exploiter you may meet also offers bright and shiny promises of love at first sight or grand adventures. These promises are just as shallow.
Love is a journey not found in quick promises or a longed-for destination.
True love requires patience, persistence, and the willingness to show up for yourself and others, even when it’s hard. It’s a slow unveiling, a lifelong practice of coming home to yourself and creating genuine connections.Love in psychotherapy is part of that coming home.
Love as Growth
Marion Woodman, in Coming Home to Myself: Reflections for Nurturing a Woman's Body and Soul, writes:
"There is no growth without real feeling. Children who are not loved for who they are do not learn to love themselves. Their growth is an exercise in pleasing others, not in expanding through experience. As adults, they must learn to nurture their own lost child."
Woodman’s words express an essential truth: love is the foundation of authentic growth. Children who grow up without unconditional love become adults who struggle to find their worth. They learn to base their value on external validation—on pleasing others—rather than on a deep sense of their intrinsic value.
Without love, personal growth becomes a performance, not a journey. If we were not loved for who we were as children, the healing path of our lives involves learning to nurture the neglected parts of ourselves. It makes sense that love in psychotherapy is vital for healing and healthy development of people deprived of love.
Deep Psychotherapy: Love in Action
While we often think of therapy as a place for talking about our problems, it is, at its core, an act of love.
My commitment to my patient is beyond techniques or theory; I became a psychotherapist because I love the human potential to heal and grow. Over time, my love generally becomes specific to the patient I am working with. I listen and deliver my interpretations, suggestions, and support based on my training, compassion, and caring for the patient and her situation. In this way, my patient receives information, a new perspective from me, and greater self-understanding and acceptance.
In the early stages of therapy, my patient is oblivious to my love. She may not have ever been in a relationship where she was loved, and she may not recognize it. I've had patients who seem to notice the love in our relationship and spring back from it as if they had touched a hot stove. The little they know of authentic love is painful.
My patient struggles with being honest and vulnerable in our sessions because, in the early stages of therapy, I have not yet earned her trust. As our relationship develops, she notices my respect, care, and understanding, even if she doesn't believe it. This often marks the beginning of a gradual shift.
Phases of Healing Through Love in Therapy
1. Obliviousness
My patient usually starts therapy, not realizing that love is a key ingredient. She may struggle to see herself as worthy of care or attention.
2. Noticing but Not Believing
As sessions continue, she notices my caring, but she still doesn't believe she deserves that attention. If I mention a book I read or a film I watched that made me think of her, she is surprised to know I think of her outside of our appointments.
3. Beginning to Believe
As she begins to accept that my interest and caring are real, she trusts our process more. She may not be convinced of her worth, but she is learning to respect me, and that leads to her trusting that if I respect her, then maybe there is something about her worthy of respect. That's when love in psychotherapy becomes more influential.
4. Trusting the Therapist Because of the Love
She starts to trust that the therapist’s care is real. This trust becomes a foundation for healing, allowing her to open up, be vulnerable, and explore deep wounds they carry. If I say, "I was thinking about you this morning when the birds were singing. I remembered how much you enjoyed singing birds when you were a child. Have you noticed any birds on your morning run?"
The first time I say something like this she is visibly shocked and moved. I said something that connects her past with her present, her feelings or level of awareness. She knows I remember what she says, value it, and will bring it to her for us to explore. She's not accustomed to someone gladly being involved with the details of her experience.
Love: natural, at ease, honest, sharing, doesn't need words, what love in psychotherapy can bring.
5. Beginning to Feel Valued and Then Valuing Herself
My love and respect stir her to feel valued for who she is, not for what she can do or how she can please others. This shifts her perception of herself.
6. Beginning to Care and Love Herself
As she feels valued and nurtured, she cares for herself in new ways. Because of the love in psychotherapy with me she dares to bring caring, protection, and kindness to her vulnerable self, something she may never could do before.
7. Making Life Decisions Based on Self-Love and Respect
As therapy progresses, she makes decisions based on self-respect and genuine self-love. She drops people-pleasing choices and looks within to see what she wants, feels, and cares about. She values herself. She will not accept a person or situation where she is demeaned or neglected. She honors her true worth, which she didn't know she had until now.
This includes choosing friends, dates, spouses, clubs, careers, and invitations that align with her newfound sense of value.
The love offered by a therapist—one who is not only skilled but deeply empathetic and nurturing links with developmental healing, awareness, and learning. Because her therapy is connected with love and respect, a new self-worth is born.
Over time, she carries this love forward, making decisions that reflect her deep respect and care for herself. Self-destructive or people-pleasing behaviors at the cost of her well-being dissolve.
The Truth About Love
Love is not a one-time revelation or a sparkly ideal; it is a practice of showing up forourselves and others. It takes root in the mundane moments of life—in the choices we make to care for our own needs and listen deeply to others and ourselves. We can forgive but not forget. We know when to keep trying when things get hard and when to let something or someone go.
Without love, we cannot become our true and whole selves. But with real, patient, enduring love, possibilities abound. We learn to grow, heal, and connect with the world around us in deeply fulfilling and profoundly human ways.
If you are struggling to have peace and fulfillment in your life, if you want to stop self-destructive behaviors, if you want more financial success or to make strides in your career, if you want to stop sacrificing your energy to others, if you want to stop feeling guilty about not doing or being enough —whether in relationships with others or within yourself—consider the transformative power of deep, caring psychotherapy. With the guidance of a skilled, compassionate therapist, you can begin the journey to self-love, self-respect, and, ultimately, a life that reflects the love you deserve.
Joanna Poppink
Books
- Coming Home to Myself: Reflections for Nurturing a Woman's Body and Soul by Marion Woodman and Jill Mellick
This book provides reflections aimed at helping women connect with their feminine essence. - Healing the Child Within: Discovery and Recovery for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families by Charles L. Whitfield
Discusses the concept of the inner child and offers guidance on healing from childhood trauma. - Healing Your Hungry Heart: Recovering from Your Eating Disorder by Joanna Poppink
- Healing Your Hungry Heart: Recovering from Your Eating Disorder by Joanna Poppink
A compassionate and insightful guide for individuals on their journey to recover from eating disorders, offering practical tools and personal reflections including the healing power of self-love and self-compassion.
Articles
- There Is No Growth Without Real Feeling
Published on "Nurse The Soul," this article discusses the importance of genuine emotions in personal growth and references Marion Woodman’s quote. - Navigating Tough Blocks on Your Twin Flame Journey
Found on the "Sacred Twins Union" website, it addresses challenges in the twin flame journey and offers practical advice - Listen, Love and Bloom, Shows with story how healing and freedom come through love, patience, and listening.
Blogs
- Therapist Uncensored
Explores relational neuroscience and offers insights into healing and personal development. - Mindful Self-Compassion Blog
Provides practical tips and insights for cultivating self-love and emotional growth. - Eating Disorder Recovery
These resources provide valuable insights and practical tools for personal growth, healing, and understanding the role of love in psychotherapy.
Essays on the Healing Nature of Love
- "Love as Healing Power" by C. Sue Carter
This essay examines how love influences all aspects of human existence and serves as powerful medicine, protecting against disease and restoring the body in the face of illness.
- "The Healing Power of Nature and Romantic Love"
An essay discussing how nature and romantic love serve as states of mind that contribute to healing and personal development.
- "Love as the Ultimate Healer: Exploring the Essence of ‘Love Medicine’"
This piece delves into the concept of 'Love Medicine,' exploring the idea that love, in its various forms, is a significant healing force.
- "Essay: The Healing Power of Nature"
Exploring how nature's beauty and tranquility can serve as a healing force, reflecting on personal experiences and observations.
- "Love For Nature"
An essay emphasizing the importance of loving nature, discussing how this love brings about hope, healing, new discoveries, and a better future.
Poetry on the Healing Nature of Love
- "Phenomenal Love" by Rupi Kaur
It is a poem that explores the journey of self-love and healing through the lens of relationships, emphasizing the importance of loving oneself first.
- "Rebuilding Love: Poems that Mend Broken Hearts"
A collection of poems likening love to a tapestry, emphasizing the intricate and delicate nature of the healing process.
- "Poems about Being Saved by Love: Finding Redemption in the Arms of Love"
A selection of poems highlights how love mends hearts, bringing light to the darkest corners of our souls.
- "The Power of Love: Inspirational Poems that Touch the Heart"
It is a compilation of poems that capture the transformative nature of love and its ability to inspire and heal.
- "36 Memorable Healing Poems"
A collection of poems that delve into themes of healing, hope, and the restorative power of love.
These resources offer diverse perspectives on how love serves as a healing force, both in personal relationships and in connection with nature.
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