Swans mate for life. They are loyal in love and fierce when needed.
Love in Psychotherapy Is the Heart of Healing and Growth
Swans mate for life. They glide across the water in graceful pairs, loyal and bonded. But swans are not only gentle symbols of beauty and devotion—they are fierce when they need to be. They protect what they love. They defend their young. Real love—whether in nature, in relationships, or within ourselves—is not soft sentimentality. It is commitment, resilience, and strength. It is showing up, over and over again, even when it’s hard. This kind of love is also at the heart of psychotherapy.
We don’t often talk about love when we talk about therapy. We talk about “working on issues” or “getting help,” but love? That can feel uncomfortable—suspicious even. Yet, in my decades of work as a psychotherapist, I have found this to be true: Love in psychotherapy—expressed through trust, compassion, empathy, and deep listening—is what heals. Love is what allows us to grow and achieve emotional growth.
The Empty Echo of “Love Yourself” We hear it everywhere: “Just love yourself.” It sounds simple. It sounds good. But if you’ve never truly felt loved—if your childhood was marked by criticism, neglect, or conditional affection—those words can feel like a cruel joke. Or worse, those words are heard as attention, praise, seduction, and even the grooming techniques of a seducer. Without knowledge of real love, false substitutes feel normal.
How can you love yourself if you’ve never been shown what love is? For many people—especially those in their later years—the absence of love is not obvious at first. They come to therapy seeking relief from anxiety, loneliness, or burnout. They are exhausted from a life of people-pleasing and want to stop the endless cycle of giving everything to others while feeling empty inside. But underneath all those struggles is often a deeper wound: they don’t feel worthy of love simply for being who they are.
Developing self-worth in long-term therapy requires patience and guidance. The therapeutic relationship becomes a place to witness and repair the absence of love, offering a safe space to rebuild self-esteem and inner security.
Why Quick Fixes Fail Us We live in a culture hungry for quick solutions. We’re sold self-discovery retreats, magic supplements, weekend workshops, and spiritual awakenings wrapped in Instagram-friendly packages. These promises can be seductive, especially when you are desperate to feel better. Sometimes, they offer a brief “aha” moment. But the relief fades.
Why? Because love, the kind that transforms, cannot be rushed. It is not a product. It is a relationship. It grows slowly, through patience, vulnerability, and trust. Therapy is one place where this kind of love can begin, and it is within this setting that healing through relationships flourishes.
The Patient Who Did Not Trust I think of a woman who came to me after decades of caring for everyone but herself. She was exhausted—physically, emotionally, spiritually. On the surface, she was seeking help for binge eating and sleep issues. But I could feel the deeper ache beneath her words—an ache for recognition, for rest, for someone to finally say: You matter.
But in those early sessions, she was wary. She didn’t trust me—or herself. She answered my questions politely but cautiously as if waiting for me to judge her or give her a grade. She did not expect compassion. She did not expect to be heard. Because life had taught her not to expect those things. The role of love in psychotherapy for healing became apparent as our work progressed.
The Power of Being Truly Heard Trust grows in small moments. One day, she almost offhandedly mentioned that she loved the sound of birds as a child. She hadn’t thought about that in years. Weeks later, I told her:
“I was thinking about you this morning when I heard the birds singing. I remembered how much you loved birds as a child. Have you noticed them on your morning walks?”
She froze. Her eyes welled with tears. It was not because of the birds. It was because she realized—I had listened. I remembered. And for perhaps the first time in her life, she saw that someone cared about the details of her experience—not because she was performing, not because she was giving something, but simply because she was valuable. This is the essence of how deep listening builds trust in therapy.
Learning to Listen to Herself When I listen deeply to a patient, something remarkable often happens over time: She begins to listen to herself. She starts to hear that small voice inside—the one she buried long ago under duty, fear, and self-criticism. She begins to notice what she needs. She learns that her feelings have value. This is not instant. It is a slow journey—like a swan gliding across the water, steady and deliberate. Emotional healing through therapeutic relationships is built on this foundation of self-awareness and care.
Love as the Foundation for Change The work of psychotherapy unfolds in stages:
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Guarded Beginnings She arrives, polite but protective. She sees therapy as a transaction—paying for advice, not a place for love.
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Surprise at Care She notices that I remember her stories. That I think of her outside of our sessions. But she doesn’t believe it yet. She wonders: Why would anyone care about me?
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Trusting the Connection She begins to trust me because I kept showing up, session after session, on time, with respect and warmth. She sees that my care is not conditional on her being “good” or “perfect.” This trust becomes the bridge to healing.
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Feeling Valued Slowly, she sees herself through my eyes, someone worthy of attention and care. Compassion replaces self-loathing.
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Caring for Herself She dares to rest. She begins setting small boundaries that consider her needs and preferences. She speaks to herself with kindness.
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Living from Self-Love She starts making choices based on what she wants and needs, not what pleases others. She becomes fierce, like the swan—defending her worth. She chooses friends, work, and relationships that reflect her values.
This Is What Love in Psychotherapy Looks Like Love in psychotherapy is not a grand declaration. It is showing up. It is listening deeply. It is remembering. It creates a space where you begin believing in your worth.
An Invitation to Begin If you long to feel valued—not for what you do, but for who you are... If you are tired of giving everything away and being left with nothing... If you want to finally hear the sound of your own voice... therapy can be the place where you begin to come home to yourself.
Not overnight. Not with quick fixes. But with patience, trust, and love. I would be honored to walk that journey with you.
Joanna Poppink |
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Love is not a quick fix. It is a practice. A way of being.
And it is the heart of healing.
Further Reading: The Power of Love in Psychotherapy
Books:
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Healing the Child Within: Discovery and Recovery for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families by Charles Whitfield
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Healing Your Hungry Heart: Recovering from Your Eating Disorder by Joanna Poppink
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Coming Home to Myself: Reflections for Nurturing a Woman’s Body and Soul by Marion Woodman & Jill Mellick
Articles & Essays:
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“There Is No Growth Without Real Feeling” – Nurse The Soul
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“Love as Healing Power” – C. Sue Carter
Blogs:
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Therapist Uncensored – Exploring relational neuroscience
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Mindful Self-Compassion Blog – Practical insights on self-love
Poetry for Healing:
These resources offer valuable insights into healing, self-discovery, and personal growth.
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