You've got me thinking about secrets this week and I've broadened my idea what a secret is. I think I've been mixing up lying with secrets.
I have been honest from the beginning of my recovery work, but I haven't always been opening up with things not asked about.
I have a recent example. For some unknown reason, my body has changed and for the last two weeks I've been feeling hungry as soon as I get up in the morning. Normally I get up at 5:30, drive to the town I work in, park, do my (approved) walk and then eat breakfast at 8:00 when I'm finally hungry.
Because that plan has been approved by my dietitian and has worked, I've ignored the early hungry pains and thought "I'm doing what I'm suppose to be doing." But this week, I started postponing my breakfast until 9:00, but still "doing the right thing" because I get all my exchanges in.
But the truth is, I've been enjoying the "high" from the hunger pains and my ED has been enjoying this little secret, making me feel powerful and in a false feeling of control (which I believe is the reason we keep secrets!).
Of course, I didn't mention any of this to my therapist when I saw her Tuesday because she didn't ask (she wouldn't have had any reason to ask!).
This morning I finally listened to my "wise mind" who told me that I'm playing with fire, and just a few hours ago, I told my secret to my dietitian.We came up with a new eating plan that will prevent me from temptations.
I'm not sure I would have seen this as a secret before your posts. Nor would I have seen it as an act of my ED but rather I saw it as a pleasant side effect and my role was to just passively let it happen while I pretend I'm "doing the right thing."
Thanks for helping me to open my perception of what a secret is!
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