Yay (for today)

I want to share that I had a good day. I made a healthy decision today but it was hard for me. it was a decision that most people don't give thought to each day, much less spend most of the day agonizing over. I hate being cryptic but I don't want to trigger anyone in a similar situation.

I hate having an eating disorder. It's unfair. I didn't ask for this, and despite what uneducated people may believe, it's not something a person can just "snap out of" or get over easily. I'm sad because I've spent 34 years with some form of an ED.  I'm smart, educated and know that eating disorders are serious business. 

despite my setbacks, I really want to be healthy. It saddens me that so many people die from ED's every day. I don't want to be a statistic- so I'm working my butt off to do the right thing. I'm sick of focusing on numbers. I threw my scales away recently but I work in a hospital so there are scales everywhere. It's a little harder, though, because I don't want people thinking I have issues because I weigh myself daily. 

Im going through a very stressful situation at work, which makes it sometimes harder to treat myself right. My ED is making me very tired and there are days I'm lucky I don't run off the road driving. My vision has become very poor as well. My hair is falling out...all this to say you would think I would tell myself to get it together- and listen!! But ED's don't work that way as we all know. They are sneaky little liars. We sometimes fall into the trap of believing it's all about how we feel we look or how we feel others perceive us. But it's so much more than that. 

I first stopped eating because my mother told me I had baby fat to lose. She meant 5 lbs. I took it to 25. I was 12. I was sexually abused for 7 years by my grandfather. My ED was and remains a way that I express anger, sadness, lonliness, grief....this has to stop. I have to get past all that sh-- and take care of me. 

So I am embarking on a new adventure in healing. I want to share my journey in case it helps someone else. I have found a weekend intensive ED program about an hour away. I can stay or drive back and forth. I'm able to step my weekly therapy up when in a crisis. I am starting with a nutritionist, and I'm getting an endocrinologist to treat my diabetes- someone who will see through my bull crap and call me on it. Of course, I have to show up. I have to participate. 

i chose this over inpatient care because I think it's the least restrictive choice as I am a single mom. I also don't want to have to explain to my kids exactly where I would be for several weeks. I'm already trying to figure out how to divy out my weekend responsibilities so my kids don't miss their Gymnastics and dance lessons. 

I feel guilty for being away from my responsibilities to my family as I take care of my mom (dementia) on Sunday's to give my dad a break. 

But my huge epiphany today was that if I don't do these things I won't be here to do anything. I think that this trumps the rest. Sooooo today I chose to do something healthy for my body. I hope tomorrow is easier. Keep me in your prayers as I do all of you. 

as I'm sitting here I can see my very dogeared HHH book. I think I need a new copy Lol. This one looks like it's been through a war. But I guess it kinda is. My journal sits underneath- not as worn as I've lapsed periodicaly. But journaling is so important. I just need energy. I need good sleep. I need to eat better and take my meds❤️