I think traditionally as we approach Christmas we tend to 'take stock' and think what we might do during the following year. Well I have been taking stock today... and it's actually been a bit of a blow. I already knew that it wasn't feasible for me to follow my career path of choice just yet, I have got as far as I can go in terms of having the qualifications and other pre-requisites, but the next stage involves a combined doctorate and internship, which can only be completed in certain locations and on a full-time+ basis. Geographically this would mean 12 hour days for me with the travelling, plus study on top - I can't do this, it's too much, it's just not workable, especially now I'm on my own with my two girls. Knowing this I had decided to follow a complementary career path for now, one which I could combine more easily with motherhood. I realise today though, that even this path is no longer feasible in my current situation. as it required me to rely on someone quite heavily to help with the girls, just for 2 years; and now with the ex unwilling to help out in that context, and my eldest unwilling to see her father; and my relationship with my mother a) not at that level and b) I don't think spending that much time with her would be healthy for my girls, I feel like I've hit a brick wall. It's too much of a commitment to ask other friends to take on and would not be feasible for most anyway, and runs outside the hours of locally available paid childcare...

...it's not something I plan to give up on, but I think I need to shelve it for a few years until I'm a bit ore adept at sailing this ship alone and have figured out finances and new sources of childcare help. but in the meantime, I guess that means I need to re-invent myself and find something new to make a career out of that fits in with my needs.

To be honest, I feel a bit daunted by it, I have no idea what I could do or would like to do, that would be fulfilling, child-friendly, and generate some income (no matter how small). I could get quite stressed about it, but I'm determined not to let it take hold to such a degree ...I do however need to get my thinking cap on and see what ideas I can conjure up