this blog made me feel sad for all the times I have allowed my ED to rob my spirit and my soul, taking precious opportunities from my relationship with my girls that I cannot get back. And not just my ED, but my relentless depression and self focus. That being said, I want to also express my gratitude for this reminder. I have posted recently that I am trying very hard to work on my ED issues and to stop sabbatoging efforts in that direction. I genuinely want to get out of this trap. I think that Christmas has actually provided me with the opportunity to take a breather, permission to enjoy watching my kids look at lights, visit with santa, make sugar cookies and learn to play christmas songs on their keyboard, which they present to me so proudly! I really have had a better week with my food. I have not counted calories for 4 days straight. (atleast not on paper~but this is good!) Like Jan said on another post, the holidays present us with so much food. I also feel I am "overeating", when in fact, overeating to me is very little to someone else. BUT, I am allowing myself to taste a little bite of this or that. I am giving this as a gift to myself. Yes, I weigh myself daily..I do stay on top of things... Guys, I want to share something that I think has been monumental for me over the past couple of weeks. REACHING OUT! not just to my therapist, not just on this site, not just with a best friend or support group. I mean reaching out to others that I need support, that I am not too proud to admit my life isn't perfect. If someone asks me if I am ok, I often tell them "no". depending on the circumstance I may share more or less information, but I have begun to take off my mask..you know, the one with the fake smile..the one where the mouth is smiling, but the eyes aren't? I want help. I want those close to me to know I need them right now. Not in a "I am gonna suck the life out of you" kind of way, but in the sense that I am tired of doing this alone and I need someone to walk with me kind of way. I am somewhat anxious for the holidays to be over as I have really used this time to be kind to myself. I am afraid of getting back to the grind...and maybe this post christmas adjustment can be something we can talk about in a few days.