thinking about it

I think of these things also when I allow myself to roam around in my head.

I can relate to what you said Shhh. It's the perception of failing and being found out that drives some of my avoidance behavior. It's eating everything and then waiting for my pants to catch on to what I have been doing to myself.  I'm failing. I'm not doing well. I can't manage. What will people think. But the whole time I'm having this conversation in my head, I forget that people can actually see me struggling and some of those people chose to love me anyway.

My twenty-seven year old daughter (a student of Tibetan Buddhism) recently reminded me that whatever the problem is, it is just a moment that is passing. We are in it and if we don't move, it passes us by. We can watch it pass. It doesn't have to take us over and we don't have to stay stuck in that moment. I think it's a good thing to remember. I wish I could remember this when I am in such moments when I am feeling something fearful or unpleasant and I wish to escape. The moment is escaping. I don't have to go anywhere. I'm okay where I am. I can just stand there and breathe.

I finished my project and I should feel a sense of relief, but mostly I feel tired. I feel a little bit fearful too, that I might have made a mistake or that somehow I will be used as an example in the future. Meeting with my friend/coworker who was unkind to me, I decided not to react to what she did and just be.

She said something and started the momentum for a situation that created a great deal of hurt and fear in me. She took her personal frustration from an unrelated event out on my situation and turned me in to my new boss for being behind. My new boss called me at home before I got out of bed and tried to reprimand me, but I was farther along in the project from where my coworker lead her to believe. I was almost finished. There wasn't much she could say, but she said it anyway.

 I hope that my coworker/ friend spent the same amount of time trying to undo what she said to my boss today after I turned the project in. She was talking about the positive points she was going to make to the boss on my behalf. However, she didn't say she was sorry. I took the spin she was creating to be a type of apology. I say spin away if it changes the perception she created about me. I have to let that go now.

Yes, I created the problem by falling behind. I have many valid reasons why it happened, but I didn't make a plan, create a structure or ask for help. I tried to hide what was happening as the snowball was growing. I tried to hide it from myself by avoiding how I felt about it. But, I couldn't hide it. That annoying part of me just kept punishing me for it. Even though the punishment was unkind, I continued in my pattern of punishment and escape. This is true for every area of my life.

I don't know how this plays a part, but I care very deeply about doing things well, yet I manage to behave in such a way that is contradictory to what I believe. This goes way back. I want to change this.

What I think I learned this week-- is that one way I can help myself-- my work life and my family life is by creating a structure to live in. I have no structure. I exist in space and try to survive. I'm not living. I'm not doing the things I want to do. I'm in my own way. If I had a structure for living, things might get better.

I'm sure I'll have more on the subject tomorrow.

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