thanks, shh :)I did look up the toxic shame poem. Someone got that right! I hear you about ingrained feelings. I guess I know that they will always be there, ready to bring me down when I am feeling weak. I have to say that since starting therapy again and joining this site, and beginning to read HHH, I have felt more hopeful. It is soooo therapeutic to write out my feelings on here, knowing that other people actually understand my thoughts on a very personal level. I don't feel that I have to be fake or pretend everything is ok when it is not. I don't even care if no one reads what I write, I am getting it out!! (it is nice, however, to get feedback..but you know what I mean)...and even though I am as rigid as ever with my diet, I think the seeds are being planted, and the soil is being watered. I guess I am like a tulip bulb...opportunities to bloom come up more than once, but timing and conditions are crucial to its growth. I hope its time.