Thank you shh

thank you shh for your sweet comments in an earlier post. I enjoy keeping up with how things are going with you. Barry Manilow- that cracks me up but I see it too lol.
seems like you are hanging in there!! You are such a good mom to your girls. I thought about you when I was looking at my little one this morning. I am struggling pretty hard right now but won't go into details as they could be triggering for others.

But as I was looking at her- asleep, sucking her thumb and even smiling at times- I was sobered by how important it is for us moms to take care of ourselves so we can be around for our kids. Sometimes thats all the reason we have as mothers with ED, but it's a very important reason and good enough for now. 

I am looking into the possibility of treatment..again. I feel like a failure. 
I come here to find positive and reinforcing posts and you consistently find something positive to say. Not that you don't struggle- but I'm so impressed by how far you have come. Some days you are my hero. Really. I know the struggles of being a single mom with an ED.

After I watched my baby this morning and as I took in the reality of my physical state right now, I was able to make a positive decision for myself. Something I was able to do at that moment to help myself. I keep my HHH book close by at all times. I'm hard headed. Im sick. I recognize this is beyond my ability to fix alone. I hope to be in treatment by next week but I think my insurance company is going to give me a hassle. I may have to do a day program instead. 

I realize that one thing I am struggling with is that my therapist is retiring in one year. Shh I believe you had this same struggle a couple of years ago. It's a year away but I already feel abandoned and helpless. I have been talking about this in therapy which takes a ton of bravery. I give myself props for this :)

I think its part of why my ED stuff is worse right now. Acting out is so mature, right? :/
I'm lucky to have my therapist. She's been amazing. She probably shouldn't have, but she did disclose some personal issues with past sexual abuse. We've been together 20 years and I think she was just sensing my desperation at the moment. It meant a lot that she shared that with me. I felt less alone. 
I had a recent episode with a male co-worker where some very inappropriate comments were made. Guys don't realize how things can be triggering for women. 

Anyway, just say a prayer for me guys. Please.  I want to get better. 
I want to live, despite how it looks sometimes. I know you all get it. That's why I'm grateful for JP and all of my friends here. 

I will keep you all updated on what happens with treatment. If you've ever been you know they limit your phone and computer time.  I am praying that God will guide the process and that whatever happens and wherever I end up, will be what is meant for me and I will make the most of it. 
Thanks friends!
tracy