Testing

I had my tests today and I have one more on Monday. It was a very full morning made up of poking ( my veins do not cooperate with IV's), ultrasounds, and imaging (I am claustrophobic). But I got through it. I won't have any test results until my cardiologist reads them. I should know something by mid week.

Driving to the test, I reflected on life and how poorly I have treated my body. There is a lot of guilt when I realize that I have put a ton of stress on my body first with anorexia as a preteen and bulimia most of the rest of my life to this point. 

It goes to show you how resilient the body is, however, I will no longer be taking that for granted. I can't leave my kids because I refused to take care of myself. 

Part of feeling bad physically over the past weeks has been a very low appetite and weight loss that has been unintended yet secretly enjoyed. I catch myself with thoughts like this and realize that this too must stop. 

My goal is to make sure my heart is ok and to STOP worrying about my weight and how I think I look. I was in the scan machine today and I was joking with the tech and said that I hope I fit. She gave me a strange look and said "you are bitty, this thing holds people 10 times your size". I still see the weird look she gave me and I guess I must have left out the part where I "joke" Because of course I really meant it and she knew it.

Well, I'm not bitty, but I really, really need a reality check and a new vision in the mirror. 

If everything comes back ok I am making a deal with myself to enjoy life. Oh how I just want to enjoy life!!!

i will keep you guys updated as I should know my results by midweek. THANK YOU for your concern and prayers! Love you guys!!