Tracy - I can totally understand that feeling of dismay when you had been doing so well in recovery and suddenly you realise you've relapsed, and must've been travelling down that relapse road for quite some time without even being aware of it ....it's such a horrible disheartening feeling.
I also get the thing about feeling like your body is a separate thing to your self too. I am happy to own my inner, but don't feel connected to my exterior very often. Sometimes when I work hard at it I start to gain a little acceptance, but following a relapse it becomes pushed away and disowned again.
I never made the connection before, but I'm realising that I connect with my inner self because it is a constant, consistent thing that is always there for me, whilst my outer changes a lot and drastic changes often happen over quite short periods of time.... through therapy I've learned to trust my inner self - it is like the consistent parent, the "secure base" as John Bowlby would call it, that I never had but really needed; whilst my outer body is like the unpredictable parent or later partner, where there was no consistency, and you never knew what you were going to get. I guess that means that if I can place myself in a stable environment with stable people/relationships that I know I can trust, then maybe I will find a stable outer body that I can trust and connect with too.
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