Oh my

Talk about a dive into ones self esteem! I have been doing really REALLY well with my ED issues. I had a major hit today and need a little support. One of the nurses (who I love to pieces) walked up to me and said "did I offend you with what I just said?" I had not heard her. 

She proceeded to say that she had said something about not having interest in big men. She was talking with another nurse.  I connected that she felt she had offended me because I'm not skinny. Yes, I have put weight on in the last year. This comment bothered me as she continued by saying "but you are so sweet and I love you so much!"

i have totally gone backwards in my bad thoughts so fast I'm dizzy. 
my thoughts are bad, I'm hearing those "voices" in my head again.."don't eat...you're fat..."

ive worked so hard to get where I am. Now all I feel is guilt. It took one statement from one person to remind me how bad I must look.  I'm thinking about dinner and what to fix for my kids and I have that old familiar lump in my stomach that I thought was gone. 
my brain is calling me all sorts of bad names. 

I have recently lost 20 lbs from being sick from my chemo. I was not letting myself use getting sick from being sick interject itself into my ED. It has not. I've done so well. Now, I just feel ashamed of me. How bad must I look for this nurse to think I would be offended about her talking about large people?

also yesterday I heard a patient say (about me), "look at the size of that diamond on that big girls hand".  

so my thoughts aren't good right now. I have so much guilt. I didn't think I looked so bad.

i don't want to get sick again. I want to be "normal" with food. Now all I can think about is how small I used to be.