My dread is a daily thing. It is a relentless feeling with varying degrees of severity. Sometimes I can name my dread (like dreading my job), sometimes I can't put a finger on what is the exact thing that is causing the feeling of dread at that particular moment. I think staying busy keeps those feelings at bay. Slowing down somehow allows my mind to ruminate on all of the things in my life that make me feel unhappy or insecure, or scared, etc. I am glad you wrote on this topic, Joanna, because I really need to learn how to be content in my skin. I think my major dread comes from feeling like i am a failure. A failure at motherhood, at friendships, with my body, with relationships in general. I told my therapist today that I am so angry, ANGRY with my grandfather for taking away my ability to feel loved. For taking away my ability to feel comfortable when a man touches me, or complements me, or looks at me. So I dread a future of being alone. I dread the thought that others will find out that I am not the person they think I am. That my competence and "normalcy" are hard fought, and that I cry a lot, that I feel sad often, that I have an eating disorder...that I have thoughts of dying sometimes. I guess I dread all the work it takes to look fairly together on the outside. I dread the days that are good, because they are inevitably followed by those that are not so good. I dread not being the daughter my mother wants me to be. I dread the fact that my kids are growing up in a country that is fast losing it's rights. I dread what they will face in their futures. I dread that they may not have one.
How do I work on this? With my therapist and by journaling and talking things out with close friends. By reading this blog and seeing how others cope with similar issues. Coming here helps me realize I am not alone (one of my key elements of dread). That is all I can think of to write for now, but I am hopeful that there is a solution.
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