Joanna, so much to process in what you

Joanna, so much to process in what you wrote. I had to read it several times to take it all in. When you say integrate, do you mean bringing the child me and the adult me together to form one whole person? I do feel that I am two people sometimes. I respond to this frightened child as if she is not inside me, but some external entity who is far away and unreachable. There is often no "bridge" set up to cross over the chasm that separates me from her. I feel guilty because I can't help her. I feel guilty because I let bad things happen to her. I think she is mad at me. I do know she is very confused. No one helped her then and no one is helping her now. Perhaps if I starve myself she will disappear, perhaps if I run fast enough I will lose her far behind me. But..she IS me. So I am doing this all to myself, here and now. I don't want to recognize her or claim her at times. Not because she is bad, but because she represents bad things. Ironically, I feel that I am the bad one. But we are the same person, so how can that be? Her eyes are so dark and brown...deep penetrating gaze. I can see through to her soul. My eyes have not changed. You could never mistake me from a childhood picture. Large, brown eyes, empty and sad, yet begging silently for help. No one heard. I was strong enough to live thru that time as badly as I sometimes prayed to die. I am still alive. So the frightened child and the frightened adult need to find a way to integrate...what do I do with this child? How can she help me now? And how do I turn these awful images into something positive, healthy, and useful? My abuse wasn't positive, healthy, or useful, so I don't know how to do this. ? I guess my first step toward working with these images would be to extend a hand to this child, but I don't want to touch her. I don't know if this makes any sense at all. oh, she is so mad at me, so hurt that I won't come get her. tracy