i have read and re-read this post, not understanding all of it completely, but knowing that I have been retreating into myself a lot lately when it comes to discussing my eating disorder. I don't even like to talk to my therapist about it because I don't feel worthwhile. I did get hurt and became very angry recently over something that I realize I must let go and have confidence in myself that I am not a bad person.
I realize lately (with the help of my therapist), that i am using my eating disorder to distract from the issues of my abuse, as i numb my body with food, and, alternately, restricting.
I know the only way to bring this to better consciousness is to be brave and talk about my issues with my abuse to my therapist. I also know that I have very deeply imbedded issues with my mother and how she raised me not to have a voice for myself.  How my thoughts, feelings, beliefs were discounted and ignored if she didn't feel the same. If I am in a situation that triggers similar feelings, I run. I have not really wanted to post on here lately, rather find it easier to just lay low, but have felt increasingly led to comment here. thanks.