I hope someone can relate to what I am a

I hope someone can relate to what I am about to say. Part of my stressful day today was that it was centered around food. My friends and I started a tradition a few years ago with our children, where we get together and bake tons of cookies and decorate them and then pick some to take home. My friend also made a huge lunch, which was probably the more stressful part for me, trying to feel safe with food and not draw attention to myself. It was also hard for me as my best friend invited her boyfriend and his kids. I had to watch them be a happy couple all day long. I am so happy for my friend as she deserves a decent man. But the hard stuff for me is that watching them brings up feelings of what I don't have. It's easy for me to blame my lack of long term relationships on feeling ugly and fat. But the true reason it is hard on me is because I am jealous that I can't feel comfortable in a relationship. My friend is quite overweight but exudes the confidence of a supermodel. I feel quite inadequate around her. Then I start with all the negative thoughts about myself. THEN !!! he comes up to me and asked for my blessing in his christmas eve proposal to her. I smiled as my heart sank. I truly am happy for her!! but i am sad for me. It's kind of like being the last kid picked on the playground. This sounds so immature I know. But I know the role it plays in my life. Ok the good news is that I managed to enjoy my day overall...I came home and ate my safe food, but I ate. I didn't punish myself by skipping dinner or binging. I do have enough insight into my ED that I know this engagement will be the perfect storm for me to buckle down and continue my (false) perception that I am "winning" because I have control over what I put into my mouth...that starving numbs me to feeling this rejection as badly as I could. That being thinner than my friend makes me the real "winner" here and she can have her husband...that I have "control" ..sounds quite sick, huh? but this insight is progress, and sharing it with all of you and looking like a jealous lunatic is also progress, believe it or not. ok, this is my rant for the day :)