Hi Diane, You are on the path. The struggle you describe is a necessary part of the journey. As hard as it may be to accept, you are giving yourself the opportunity to integrate. What happens, from my experience, is that integration isn't what we think it is. One and one is two. That's combining, but not necessarily integrating. Adding or mixing together isn't it either. You are on track when you talk about allowing yourself joy for the small steps. Spiritual insights can be wonderful. They can be like a lightning flash on a dark night where suddenly everything is illuminated. So we get a quick glimpse that can guide our thinking, our behavior and influence our emotions. We still have to live out the many little moments of our life. We have to reconfirm, nourish, honor and tend what we experienced in that flash. And that we do in the many little small steps, the many small tasks, even tiny tasks we don't even acknowledge yet. It's a challenge to write or talk about these things. Sharing nonverbal experiences takes a lot of words! Creating art is a way of resting in the not-knowing. You can create based on your feelings, principles and your knowledge of the medium. So your energy is directed. Yet the finished work can often be beautiful and a surprise because so many elements came together in ways that were not in your conscious awareness. That's when you can get a clear experience who you are and what you can accomplish while you are in the not-knowing and not even know you are in the not-knowing. Does this reach you? It's such a challenge to talk in an understandable way about these things. warm regards, Joanna