Dear Kym, Would it surprise you to know that I feel joy in reading your post? You are expressing what is impossible to feel when you are deeply entrenched in an eating disorder. So the fact that you can hold conflicting thoughts and feelings in your mind at the same time means you are loosening the grip of your eating disorder and coming into your own more healthy way of being present in the world. Holding the healthy and the unhealthy ideas at the same time stretches your tolerance for difficult feelings. The more you can tolerate complexity the less you will need your eating disorder!!! Do you get this? I hope so. I'm so happy to see this recovery happening in you. Please remember, just because you don't feel good doesn't mean something is wrong. In fact, when you can feel bad, awkward, frustrated, sad, mad and not act out your eating disorder, you are on the mend. Brava and thank you for writing. Joanna