Dear Jan, You sound to me like you are making real progress. Your post shows greater awareness than you've had in the past. Before awareness good things come into your life and, without knowing you are barricaded, you don't take them in. With greater awareness you recognize good things coming into your life and you recognize that you don't take them in. This is the beginning of a major turn. When you feel rejected, alone, unqualified, unworthy, left out you now know that it could well be that you are not taking in the good that is offered to you from the world and from your own inner riches. It's painful to be aware of this, but it means progress and opportunity to put your energy where you really need it. Yes, this awareness is unpleasant. But..... and it's so hard for people to understand this...the fact that you can feel and tolerate the unpleasant means that you are tolerating feelings more. The more you can tolerate feelings the less you need your eating disorder. I'm so glad you wrote. warmest regards and respect for your journey, Joanna