I took my youngest child and a co-worker's son to a Halloween party at my daughter's school last night. I knew that I would not be welcomed into the cliques, but I really didn't care. I hung out with the kids. I ate with the kids. I trick or treated with the kids and then we went home. I could have avoided the whole evening, but it meant something to them. I did it for them. I made the best of it. I ate well too. 

I have been working on my house as a hobby and a creative outlet. It's been a long process. We are finally getting going on projects again. I think it's easy to get caught up in what is popular, but much better to let that go. My choices are certainly informed by hours and hours of looking at home decor images in magazines, but I don't want it to be a showplace, I just want the details to feel and look like me. I want it to feel comfortable.

My husband and I have different taste. This is sometimes a challenge, especially when I feel that I should get my own way. I don't know why I don't trust him more. He rarely makes a bad design decision. I guess I want it to be what I want, not what he wants.

The hardest part of it though is the waiting. I'm always waiting for him. Waiting for him to agree on a paint color or a purchase. Waiting for him to call the electrician. Waiting for him to go shopping, etc. When I'm waiting, I feel as though what I think and/or what I want isn't important (my ongoing pattern).

If we go to Home Goods, you can be certain that he will be running around the store with the kids. He won't look at one potential item for the home and then we will leave without purchasing anything. 

I'm not dependent on him for money, just for permission. This really bothers me. He doesn't get involved in what I pay for in regards to the kids or the groceries, but he does where home purchases are concerned. I'm not choosing items beyond our means. I pay cash for everything. I don't know why I have been powerless to change this aspect of our relationship. I have talked with him about it, but it has more to do with him staying in control so that he doesn't have to face his fears about money.

The other day I heard a radio commentator refer to our society as an "amoral culture of death", that really disturbed me and it made me want to cry. Why spend your time spouting when you could spend it loving and helping others. It bothered me that he had nothing better to say about this beautiful life we are given. That commentator could better spend his time tutoring children, helping the elderly or breaking up fights in Home Goods...


If you love the orange, go for it Shh!